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“Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t give you all of me, isn’t it Liam? Considering you’ve been giving it to Connie,” I mumble.
“That’s bullshit. You can be pissed about it, but you know Connie meant nothing to me, Ice. You also know that I have never wanted anyone but you. I saw you almost five years ago and all other women ceased to exist for me. You’re it for me, Ellie. You’ve always been it. You’re the one always running away. You’re the one holding pieces of yourself away from me.”
“I told you, Liam. I’m just not ready for a baby. There are things we need to—”
“Then stop putting it off, Ice. Tell me what I don’t know. Let it out.”
“I can’t, Liam.”
“You need to, Ellie. Tell me and we’ll deal with it.”
“Okay, I can, but I don’t want to.”
“Why, Ice?”
I swallow, my mouth suddenly feeling dry. I sit down on the bed, suddenly tired and feeling all alone. I look up at Liam and I know he can see the pain on my face. I don’t try to hide it from him.
“I don’t want to tell you, because once I do, you’ll kick me out and you’ll never take me back.”
“Now you’re talking crazy, Ellie,” he dismisses me, but I don’t blink as I look into his eyes.
“No, I’m not. I betrayed you, Liam and I know you well enough to know that you will never be able to forgive me.”
I see the shock on his face. My nerves are churning in my stomach and I fight the urge to be sick. I hold my head down, suddenly wishing I could take it all back and keep my secret.Fury“What are you talking about, Ellie?” I ask, not sure I want to know the answer, but knowing that we can’t move forward unless I do.
Of all of the things I thought Ellie would say, I never once thought she would tell me she betrayed me. She hasn’t said what it is. It could be anything and the first thing that comes to mind is that she slept with someone else. Did Ellie cheat on me back then? If she did, can I get over it?
Fuck.
I watch as Ellie looks at me. I see her nerves. I see the way she’s trembling. Whatever this is, it’s big. I want to scream at her not to tell me. I don’t know if I’ll survive losing Ellie forever and suddenly that feels like what this is.
“Do you remember the week before you left to hunt down Vicki, Liam? Do you remember how sick I was? We thought maybe I had picked up the stomach virus from Ryan.”
“I remember, Ellie,” I tell her, because I do. It was one of the reasons that I didn’t truly want to leave. It was my job and my responsibility, but I would have rather stayed home, making sure my girl was okay.
“I took a home pregnancy test, just on a whim. At the time, I remember thinking it was silly, but I did it and…it was positive.”
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
“You were…” I have to stop, I clear out my throat try again, rubbing the side of my neck as I realize what she just said. “You were pregnant? Then, where’s the baby, Ellie? Have you kept my child from me all of this time? Is that why you said you betrayed me?” I can’t keep my voice steady, or the accusation from sounding harsh. I feel like I’ve been thrown in some fucking alternative universe, because this can’t be coming from my wife’s mouth.
“No,” she cries. “I’d never keep your child from you, Liam, no matter what.”
“Then, I guess you’re going to have to explain this to me, Ice, because I’m fucking lost.” I mutter, still unable to process what she’s saying. There’s a part of me that is upset there’s not a baby and I can’t begin to explain how fucked up that is.
“It turned out to be a false positive. I went to the doctor, because I wanted it confirmed before you left. I wanted to surprise you. I was crushed when I found out that I wasn’t. I had already begun planning the nursery. I got my hopes up, even though I knew I shouldn’t.”
“Ice, I don’t understand, what’s going on here. Why didn’t you tell me back then? What the fuck is this about?”
“I was going to tell you about the test, ask you if you could stay home at least one more day, because I was so crushed. I needed you to hold me and tell me it would be alright. But, you let it slip what you were doing, and what your job was.”
“Fuck.”
“You remember our fight,” she murmurs. “I was so upset, Liam. My head wasn’t in the right place. Then, I come to you, only to have you tell me you’re off to end the life of a woman who was just trying to hold onto her son. I didn’t like her, but I understood the need to hold onto her baby, because in that moment I wanted a child, I wanted the chance to be a mother, I wanted…so much.”
