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She spent a horrible evening, crying, and compounded it with tossing and turning before emotional exhaustion took her. Who did Payton think he was talking to? How had something so wonderful turned so ugly with only a few words? Payton had real nerve. Had she misjudged him just as she had another man she’d cared about? She’d been right about him in the first place.
As if the fates were ganging up against her, one of Larry’s children had a school field trip and Larry had asked Payton to switch shifts with him. China managed to make it through the shift without interacting with Payton except when it had to do with a patient. He didn’t seem any more eager to speak to her then she was to him.
China looked at her wristwatch. Only thirty more minutes. Her nerves were strung out tighter than a banjo string. She’d even snapped at Doris, which had got her a look of surprise. Thankfully a patient had come in and prevented Doris from asking questions.
At one minute to two China had her purse under her arm and was on the way toward the back door. She needed to plan something. Clear her mind. Figure out how to deal with Payton. How to fix things between them or at least learn to work with him without the burning hurt boiling over. Maybe she needed to see about transferring to the hospital.
“Yes, I understand.” Payton’s voice drifted out into the hall as she passed the office door.
She’d planned to keep on walking, not glance in his direction, but couldn’t help herself. His shoulders were slumped and his elbows were propped on the desk with his dark-haired head in his hands. Something was wrong. Was he sick? Had he gotten bad news? She couldn’t leave without knowing. They might be through but that didn’t stop her from caring.
With her heart racing she asked from the doorway, “Payton, what’s wrong?”
He raised his head. “Nothing.”
The shadowed look in his eyes told her differently. She stepped further into the room. “What’s going on? Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“It doesn’t look that way.”
He stood. “I’m fine, really. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings yesterday. I’m sorry if I’m hurting them now. But I think we have run our course.”
She jerked back as if he’d slapped her. She’d expected this. He wasn’t saying anything she didn’t already know but she didn’t like hearing it verbalized, especially in such a cold voice. She known it was over the second she’d seen that look of disbelief on his face. Not wanting to admit it, last night she’d had no choice but to face the facts. That didn’t mean it didn’t feel like her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces and being flung to the ends of the earth.
Refusing to run and hide, she choked out the words, “I agree.”
For a second had there been hurt in his eyes?
“To make things easier, I’ll see about transferring to another clinic or to the E.R.”
Unable to say more, she nodded. Her greatest fear had come true. She didn’t measure up. He’d said he didn’t want her.
“I’m sorry.”
China nodded again. With a force of will she hadn’t known she had, she made her feet move. In a daze of pain, anger and disappointment and holding back the tears that threatened, she stumbled out the back door.
* * *
Payton closed the door to the office and sank into the desk chair. His head dropped into his hands. He’d been sick after chemo but he’d never felt as nauseated as he had when he’d seen the look on China’s face. He’d known what he’d had to do, but that hadn’t made it any easier. His bloodwork had come back abnormal. He couldn’t, wouldn’t take her on that ride with him if cancer had returned. China deserved a better life. A more secure one. She would spend her days caring for him, and he couldn’t have that. He wouldn’t let her sit by his bed and worry. His parents would be bad enough.
China would move on from him soon enough, he decided, but he wouldn’t be so lucky. She wasn’t someone he’d ever get over.
CHAPTER TEN
CHINA COULDN’T REMEMBER feeling more miserable than she had been in the last week. The only upside was that she didn’t have to hold it together in front of Payton. He hadn’t been at the clinic and she’d refused to ask why. She’d just figured that he’d managed to get a quick transfer or had taken a few days off.
She looked awful. No matter what she did—cold water to the eyes, drops, even cucumber slices—she still couldn’t get the puffiness to recede from crying herself to sleep. She missed Payton’s arms around her, his hard body against her back, his wit, his smile.
Doris and Jean had given her puzzled looks but hadn’t asked questions. Robin wasn’t as tactful. She cornered China in the supply room.
“So, what gives with Payton? You know where he is?”
China opened a cabinet and pulled out gloves, tissues and tongue depressors to replace those used in the exam rooms. “No. I haven’t spoken to him.”
“I thought you two were tight.”
“Tight?”
Robin gave a disgusted snort. “Don’t play dumb with me. We all know you and Payton were having a thing. You could see it any time you two were together.”
China suppressed a groan. Had they been that obvious? She closed the cabinet. “Well, if we did have a ‘thing,’ we don’t anymore. I’ve not spoken to him in days.”
“Jean did let it slip that he’d gone to Chicago. You think he’s moving back there?”
China gathered the supplies in her arms. “You know, Robin, I really have no idea,” she said, as she left the room.
Entering an exam room, she pushed the door closed with her elbow. She dumped the supplies in a heap on the table, sank into the chair and put her head into her hands before all the pain she felt flowed out. Some time later, she wiped the moisture away with the back of her hand and straightened her shoulders. It was time she pulled herself together. Got her life back to normal. Learned to live without Payton. She done it before he’d come to town and she’d do it again. Her parents were expecting her to cook dinner tonight, she’d focus on that.
China finished cleaning off the table and straightening her parents’ kitchen. Her father was in his chair with the news on the TV but the volume down as he read the paper. Her mom focused on one of her many craft projects. There was no interaction between them or even China. They hadn’t even asked about Payton. It was as if they were going through the motions of life but never really living it. She wanted more than that. Had lived it with Payton.
When had her family dynamics become so twisted? Was that why Kelsey never visited? Maybe it was time to ask her? See if she could reestablish some kind of solid relationship with at least one member of her family.
It had taken some persuading on China’s part to get Kelsey to agree to meet. She’d not out and out said no. Instead, Kelsey seemed to have an excuse for being busy on every date China suggested. When China finally said, “This isn’t about Mom and Dad. This is about me. Things I need to know,” Kelsey agreed.
China watched Kelsey pull into the parking spot from the front window of the tearoom on Main Street.
Where China had dark hair cut conservatively, Kelsey was fair-haired with a trendy cut that stuck up on her head. China was petite and Kelsey was tall with an athlete’s body. They couldn’t be more different yet they had shared the same upbringing.
China stood as the bell on the door tinkled, announcing Kelsey’s entrance. Opening her arms in welcome, China saw Kelsey’s second of hesitation before she stepped into her embrace. They released each other. China smiled. “Thank you for coming. I’ve missed you.”
Kelsey gave her a weary smile as they sat down in the antique wooden chairs at their table. China ran her hands across the tablecloth, as if smoothing out a wrinkle that didn’t exist.
A middle-aged woman wearing a white ruffled apron came to take their order. After sh
e left Kelsey said, “Please don’t try to convince me I need to see Mom and Father.”
“Like I said on the phone, I won’t do that, but I would like to ask you some questions about them.”
“China, I don’t want to talk about them.”
“The questions have to do with me. You’re the only person I know to ask. I need to know.”
Kelsey’s brow wrinkled and she twisted her mouth upward. “What’s going on?”
“I need to know...”
Kelsey put her elbow on the table and leaned toward China.
“Uh, a friend of mine said I act differently when I’m around Mom and Dad. Do you think that’s true?”
“Hell, yes, you do!”
China jerked at the force of Kelsey’s reply.
“I hated the way they treated you but I think I hated it more that you let them treat you that way.”
“I didn’t see it,” China said softly, “until Payton pointed it out.”
“Payton?”
“A friend.”
The woman returned to serve them their tea then left silently.
Kelsey nodded. “Something happened to you after Chad left. You couldn’t do enough to make Mom and Father happy, especially Father. You never stood up to them, no matter how unreasonable they were. You were always trying to make things better, smooth things over.”
