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Phoebe bowed her head against the wind that was picking up as she walked along Ryan’s street. Like the first time she had visited him, she had practiced what she was going to say on the tram ride there. She was going to demand answers. More than that, she was going to get answers.
Would Ryan be home? She’d thought of calling first but had been afraid that he would make some excuse as to why she couldn’t see him. She would have none of that.
She had accepted Joshua’s decisions. Knowing what he did was important hadn’t disguised the fact he’d been more interested in fighting wars than being with her. She wouldn’t let Ryan put her to the side. She’d stay at his place until she knew what was going on.
Phoebe walked past Ryan’s car. He was home. She climbed the steps to his door and groaned. Her back was killing her. The baby had grown so large.
She hesitated. Would Ryan answer if he realized it was her? It didn’t matter. She was staying until she found out what his problem was, even if she had to sleep on his veranda all night. That wouldn’t happen. No matter how hard Ryan was trying to push her out of his life, he was too kind and tenderhearted to leave her out in the elements.
To come all this way and not knock was ridiculous. She was no longer the woman she’d been when she’d shown up on his doorstep last month. With or without him, she would have this baby and the two of them would make it. It would be wonderful to have Ryan in their lives, but if not, she and the baby would still survive. That much she did know.
Lifting her hand, she boldly knocked on the door. Seconds went by with no answer. There was no sound from inside. Again she knocked. Nothing. Maybe Ryan was in the basement and couldn’t hear her. She turned to descend the steps and search for a way around back when the door opened.
Ryan looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. There were dark circles under his eyes. His hair stood on end. He was still wearing his hospital uniform and it was rumpled, as if he’d been too distracted to change. Her heart went out to him for a second and then she reminded herself of why she was there. Life hadn’t been kind to her since last Thursday, either.
CHAPTER TEN
PHOEBE.
Ryan’s heart skidded to a halt then picked up the pace double-time. What was she doing here?
How like her to show up unannounced on his doorstep. Was that how they had started out?
She looked wonderful, irritated and determined all at the same time. He had missed her. There had never been another time in his life when he’d longed for someone like he had for Phoebe.
“What’re are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.” She stepped forward, leaving him no choice but to move and let her in.
“Talk?”
She whirled to face him with surprising agility. “You mean after your performance the other day you don’t think we need to talk?”
Ryan closed the door. He really didn’t want to do this. “Performance?”
“Really, Ryan? You don’t think you owe me an explanation for your behavior at the clinic?”
“I did my job.”
“Job? Was it your job to take pity on the poor widow woman and go to bed with her?”
Ryan flinched. That hurt. Yes, she was hitting below the belt but he deserved it.
“What I don’t understand is why I let you get away with acting like there was nothing between us. Or why I’ve given you so many days to explain yourself. I didn’t expect a public display at the clinic but I did expect you to act as if I had some importance.”
“Stacy was there—”
“That’s your excuse for going AWOL on me and not hearing from you? You know, I would never have taken you for a coward.”
Ryan winced. That’s what he had been. If he ran, then he wouldn’t have to face what he’d done and how he felt about Phoebe. He sat in his chair. Phoebe’s glare bore down on him. “Look, you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand. This is all about you hiding from the world, the things you saw in Iraq and your feelings. If you don’t let someone in, then you don’t have to worry about them dying, like your friends did. Like Joshua.
“You live mechanically. You just go through the days. Look at this place.” She swung her arm around, indicating the room. “You just exist here. No pictures, no rugs, a sofa and a chair. Your bedroom is a step better only because of your woodwork. It shows some warmth. The one place where you actually look like you’re living is ironically in your shop, and it’s underground. You come up and do what you have to do and then disappear again like a mole that’s afraid of the light, but in your case you’re afraid of feeling anything for someone. You care more about that furniture downstairs than you do people. In fact, those inanimate objects in your bedroom have received more love than you show the rest of the people in your life.”
She was right. There was nothing he could say to defend himself.
“You’re afraid that if you care too much you’ll lose part of yourself. But you’ll never be happy that way. You have to let people in. Let them see the person I see. The warm and caring person. The fun and humorous one. The person who gives despite any pain to himself.”
Ryan raised a hand with his index finger up. “Hey, don’t be putting me on a pedestal. I’m not one of your fairy-tale knights on a white horse, riding in to save the day.”
Phoebe looked at him. Was he right? Had she tried to make more of their relationship than there was? Had she been so desperate that she had clung to Ryan? Needed anyone to rely on? To fill the void of loneliness?
“I haven’t.” Her remark sounded weak even to her own ears.
“Haven’t what? Become self-contained, built your own perfect little world where Joshua came home as the hero, loved you and left to return again? Where you were willing to accept a small piece of his life just so you could have someone to share that perfect life? Except it wasn’t all that perfect, was it? You wanted more. A family, but you couldn’t or wouldn’t tell him that it was time to think of you.”
She cringed. Was that what she had been doing? “You’re wrong.”
“Really? Did you ever once ask JT to take an assignment that would bring him home for longer than three months? Did you ever ask him to choose you over the army?”
She hadn’t.
“I can see you didn’t. What were you afraid o
f? That he would leave you all together? As strong as you act on the outside, you’re a marshmallow of self-doubt on the inside. You don’t understand why you weren’t good enough to make JT want to stay at home. You feel sorry for yourself but cover it with acting as if you can handle everything on your own. No matter how hard I might try, I could never fix those for you. That’s something you have to recognize and do for yourself.”
All Ryan’s accusations hit home. A number of them she didn’t want to face.
“Phoebe, I can’t be someone that I’m not. Seeing what humans can do to each other makes you stop and think before you get involved. I cared then and what did it get me? All I wanted was out.” He spoke to the floor, then looked at her.
“That’s understandable. But look at you now.” She lowered her voice. “You help bring life into the world. You sure picked a funny occupation to not care about anyone.”
“That was part of the appeal of being a midwife. I’m only involved in a patient’s life for a short time. After the baby comes I’m done.”
“How sad. You know you brought warmth and joy into my world. I came to your doorstep lonely, sad and afraid. For heaven’s sake, I was weeks away from having a baby and I didn’t even have a room ready. I was going through the motions, just like you, until we met. It was far past time for us both to start living our lives again.”
“I have lived like that. I’ve had friends. Joshua was a friend and look what happened to him. You say that I’m afraid but you are afraid of something, too, and that is being alone. You’ve lost your parents, you brother is nowhere around, Joshua is gone, his parents are jerks and now you’re clinging to me. People leave and die, it’s a part of life.”
Phoebe stepped forward. “I’m well aware of that. The question is, are you? People die. Do you think I don’t understand that? He was my husband. My parents are gone. Even my brother is halfway across the world from me.”
Ryan jumped up. Phoebe stepped backward. He move forward and glared at her. With his hands balled at his sides, he barked, “And I’m the man who slept with his best friend’s wife.”
