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“Now, you listen to me, Elijah Davenport. You aren’t anyone special in the guilt department. We all carry guilt from our past. I felt guilty because I didn’t want my baby. Was sure that was why I had lost her. Only through love and time did I accept and move on. I can help you if you’ll let me. We share the same type of guilt. You don’t get to wallow in it as if you’re the only one who has ever felt it. I have. Tens of thousands of others have.”
He snarled, “It’s not the same. Because of me my mother has never recovered. She lives in a broken marriage.”
“Your mother is a grown, intelligent woman. She makes her own choices. Has stayed with your father for her own reasons. You can’t carry that blame.” To her credit, her voice stayed even. She believed what she was saying.
“You can’t tell me how I feel!” he roared.
“I’m not trying to. What I’m doing is letting you know that you aren’t the only one who feels that way. We all make mistakes. You were young. If you don’t move on, you’ll live in pain forever. Never find happiness. What you don’t get is that you’re not to blame. I saw you with your brothers and sisters. You treated Miranda as if she was a member of the family. They were happy to see you.
“You’ve lived with your anger and disappointment in your father for so long it has grown into a monster you keep feeding. Don’t you get it? Your father is the one who should be ashamed. You were a kid. I can’t imagine how shocked and hurt you were to find out what your father had been doing but to have him ask you to keep it secret was unspeakably wrong. You were asked to choose sides between your mother and father. That’s wrong on every level. But you’re letting that one decision ruin your life. You won’t allow anyone in. Shallow relationships are safe.”
He shook his head. “It’s no good. I won’t disappoint anyone, especially you. I won’t take that chance.”
“Now we’re not talking about guilt. We’re talking about fear.”
She was right, but it didn’t change anything. He’d lived with secrets, disappointment, and no real example of a loving marriage for so long he’d decided not to have anything to do with it. The insecurity was too ingrained.
His family was taught not to show emotion. He’d learnt the lesson well.
Elijah had known devastation emotionally, only this was much worse. But with Helena he was doing the right thing. He was thinking about her welfare. He had to find a way to get through to her. Make her understand. “You seem to have all the answers for me. What about yourself? You should have found your dream life long ago. Why haven’t you? My guess is that you’re just as afraid as I am. Running in your own way. For someone who says we have to move on, have you? I might run from real relationships but you have stayed in one place, hoping for that perfect one. There are no perfect people and no perfect relationships. Life isn’t a fairy-tale. Now that I think of it, I’d bet anything that you did a little running of your own when you moved up here so far from home. From your past.”
The stricken look on her face made him want to hit something, especially himself.
“You may be right but at least I haven’t closed myself off from the possibility of finding love. Or in your case not accepting it. I guess you’re better off by yourself. Have a good life, Elijah.”
As she turned to leave there was a knock on the door. It was a unit secretary. “I know it’s time for you both to leave but you’re needed. And we’re covered up.”
Helena was out the door as if any place was better than where he was. Elijah followed a few seconds behind her. Regardless of how much he might want to hang onto Helena, he couldn’t. She’d given him a glimpse of how good life could be—that morning alone had proved that—but she deserved more. Someone who could be there emotionally.
He looked longingly at her back. Was he allowing fear to rule his life?
* * *
Helena didn’t know how she was going to get through another minute of working with Elijah. All she wanted to do was head home and crawl into bed. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea. There would be too many memories of Elijah there. Her uncomfortable couch was a better choice.
She couldn’t believe she’d bared her soul about the loss of her baby, only to have him use it against her. Where was the man she’d known, the one who had shared love and compassion so tenderly only two nights before? How could he have changed so drastically from that morning? Was it because of his parents’ visit? Or was he feeling something that he didn’t want to acknowledge? Whichever it was, he’d quickly become someone she didn’t recognize.
Only by force of will and training did she manage to see about her patient. Her first inclination had been to run and hide, if she’d had a chance. No such luck. When she and Elijah reached the desk, they were each handed charts. She was to see an elderly woman complaining of fever and a cough.
“Nothing like Christmastime in the city,” Elijah murmured as he looked at his chart. “It isn’t complete without a visit from Santa.”
Helena refrained from calling him Grinch and left to see her patient. Twenty minutes later, on her way back to the desk, she passed the doctor who was to relieve Elijah. With any luck she could be out of there soon. To her relief, Elijah was nowhere to be seen. Her patient would be admitted. As soon as she was done here, she would be gone. If everything went her way, she wouldn’t run into Elijah.
Taking a seat at the unit desk, she concentrated on her report. Just as she was about to finish, Elijah appeared. He looked as stricken as she felt. She didn’t miss his hesitation, but as a nearby doctor gave them a curious look, Elijah took the seat beside her.
Her hand shook over the keyboard before she made herself concentrate on what she was doing. Typing quickly, she finished the report and stood.
“Goodnight, Helena,” he said quietly as she left.
She didn’t make eye contact as she gave some unintelligible response and fled. They were already acting as if they were strangers. The irony was that she knew every inch of his body. She wanted to blame him for the tenseness between them but she couldn’t. He’d been straight up with her all along. Had explained what to expect. Yet she had gone and done the unpardonable. Fallen in love with him. Now she would have to live with it.
The walk to the subway was dark, rainy and cold. It matched how she felt. She’d been asking for heartache when she’d become involved with Elijah. Through she’d gone into the fling with her eyes wide open, she had still fallen for him. Blaming him wasn’t the solution. What had she been thinking? She hadn’t been, especially when he’d been kissing her. She’d cheerfully chosen the road to heartache.
CHAPTER TEN
FOR ONCE IN his life Elijah gave some serious thought to calling into work sick. The only thing that pushed him toward going in was the fact he was acting department head and the chance to see Helena. But that was a double-edged sword. His body, as well as his mind, was begging for a glimpse of her, yet it would be difficult working beside her without touching her.
He’d never been more miserable in his life. Not when he’d discovered his father’s affair, not when the media had blasted it all over the place. Never.
Helena had been long gone from the hospital before he’d got away the night before. He’d gotten tied up with a patient, leaving him no chance to see her again, which was fine. Their few moments together at the unit desk had been enough for him. He’d hated to see the light go out of her eyes. The one bright spot in his life had been that smile from her, even before they had started their fling. It may have been a lustful rendezvous at the beginning but it had quickly turned into a love affair.
Love. He would have never thought it possible but he had fallen in love. Shock then warmth filled him, followed by grief. He was in love with Helena. But nothing could come of it. He had to let her go, even if she would have him.
In a few short days, and even more wonderful nights, Helena had
wrapped herself around his heart. Now he had to live with it. Deal with seeing her almost daily at work. Life looked bleak from where he stood. That’s what he deserved for having a fling with someone he worked with. It was Charles’s damn wedding that had caused these feelings. That soft, dreamy look in Helena’s eyes that evening. Or had it been the snow drifting down around her? Or that kiss? He made a disgusted sound. It was all those feelings and yet it wasn’t. Beyond them lay the common denominator, Helena.
Forcing himself off the sofa, he headed for his bathroom. That was worse. Everywhere he looked reminded him of Helena. When he’d broken off with other women it had not affected him. He’d made the fatal mistake of inviting Helena into his home. Now she permeated it. Nothing he could have imagined could be this hard. Still he stood firm on the belief he’d done the right thing. Had been thinking of her.
He made his shower cold and short.
Leaving the building, he glanced at the diner. Helena had even managed to ruin that for him. He would have to find another haunt. Standing in the staff entrance to the hospital, he took a deep breath and opened the door. He was determined that he and Helena could return to their professional association without being edgy around each other. In that he would take the lead. Hopefully the time they’d shared could become a pleasant interlude he’d thought it could be in the beginning. He was fooling himself, but keeping that idea in mind was the only way he could face her.
He bypassed the lockers and went straight to the unit desk. Plastering a smile on his face, he prepared himself to see Helena. Disappointment washed through him when she wasn’t there. On Saturday mornings the ER was usually slower but not today. There was already a waiting room full.
