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There is so much I don’t know about my own family, but I am learning. Finally, the pieces are falling into place. I understand now why Luke and I always felt like outsiders. Our mother rejected us even when we were babies. No wonder I am so afraid of love. And perhaps it was why Luke turned to drugs. There is something missing inside us.
When Nan puts the buns in front of me I realize that I am actually starving. I hardly ate on the plane and I haven’t eaten a proper meal since my dinner at Shanghai Lily.
That night I stay over in Nan’s house. Uncle Seng, an old friend, comes for dinner and we eat noodle soup with fishballs and Kitato playing in the background. Uncle Seng is funny and Nan laughs a lot. It gives me time to lean back in my chair, sip my white tea, and feel the loss of Jake by my side. Uncle Seng leaves early and I go into the kitchen to wash up. I tell Nan to relax, but she comes and helps to dry the dishes.
‘You must be tired. You better go to bed,’ she says, hanging up the towel.
‘Yes, I suppose I am. Goodnight, Nan. Thank you for today,’ I say and bend to kiss her.
‘You won’t tell your mother I put you on the cabinet, will you?’ she asks.
I laugh. ‘Why did you do it, anyway?’
‘Because you used to look so cute and solemn up there.’
‘Oh, Nan, how I love you,’ I whisper, and hug her small delicate frame tightly. Her rib bones seem so small and birdlike.
‘Sleep well, little Lotus.’
I climb into my old bed and fall asleep almost immediately. I dream of the crows. They come bearing gifts. Their unrelieved blackness is neither startling nor offensive. I open my arms and receive them gladly. They are my special friends from another time.
FIVE
Lily
I left my keys to Jake’s house in his suitcase before I left the Hard Rock Hotel, which means I won’t be able to let myself into his house if he is not in. Fortunately, standing across the road from the house I see that his car is parked close by but in a different place from when we left for Vegas. So I know not only that he is back, but also that he is in. I do not know what kind of reception I am going to get, but I know he won’t turn me away.
His body won’t let him.
Maybe that is why I have not called first. Calling would mean our bodies don’t get to talk. I cross the road. At the bottom of the steps I stop, courage suddenly deserting me. It is startling just how nervous I am. My organs feel like they are floating inside a hollow space. I take a deep breath. I think I am afraid of what he will be like without the alcohol.
Come on, Lily, just a few steps more. You’ve come this far. It’s not like you ran out on him or anything like that. You left a note. You just needed a bit of time to think.
I look up at the sky. It is a hazy white.
I want to take those last few steps and ring the bell. I want to see him again, but I am terrified I will see a stranger with cold, mean eyes. I debate the matter. What’s the worst that can happen? He slams the door in my face. A small voice speaks, I’m not prepared for that. I can’t go back to what I was when I lost Luke. This is a bad idea. Maybe I should leave and then call first. Prepare him. My body starts turning to walk away when in my peripheral vision the curtain twitches. Oh God in heaven! He has seen me.
It galvanizes me. I don’t want him thinking I’m a coward. I run lightly up the stairs and ring the bell.
The door opens almost instantly and my voice dies in my throat. My eyes widen with shock and I feel my soul shrivel. This I had not prepared for.
‘Well, well, look what the cat dragged in,’ Andrea Mornington drawls as her eyes travel down my body derisively, while she stands in Jake’s fucking shirt! The buttons have not even been done up. She has just thrown it over her naked body and is clutching the edges together. Underneath the shirt her legs are long and bare and her toenails are painted a pretty peach.
Fuck him.
He went back to her!
Just like that.
The sensation of shock is so immense that I feel physically ill. I want to vomit. I am jealous, horribly jealous of her standing in my man’s shirt. At that moment I don’t think of what I have done to him or how I have betrayed him. I just feel betrayed. Utterly and completely. I really believed we had something rare and special. A kind of deep connection that I have not had with another human being.
Her eyes note my suffering with great satisfaction. There is not an ounce of pity in them. I see her clearly then. She has never in her life sung the song of pain, or had the branches torn from her tree. She is one of those lucky women. Bestowed with everything.
I open my mouth and no words come out!
‘It’s always a good idea to call first,’ she advises insolently.
It is not rage I feel but pain. Such pain that I don’t want to punch her, or scratch her eyes out. I just want to run away somewhere no one will see me and howl in pain.
Some part of me refuses to believe what I am seeing. What if she is tricking me? What if he is not in? I force the words out.
‘Is he in?’
‘Obviously,’ she says, with an amused smirk.
I won’t scratch your smug, spoilt face, but I’ll leave you with this: ‘Tell him… Tell him his wife was here.’
Without waiting to see her reaction I whirl away from her, and lurch toward the steps. But my legs are so unsteady that I miss the first step and, with arms flailing and an involuntary cry starting at the back of my throat, I begin flying face first toward the hard, concrete pavement below.
Oh shit! Now she will witness my utter humiliation, too.
My descent is stopped suddenly by an iron hand. Wet and strong, it curls itself around my forearm and jerks me backwards. The force is so great I slam into a hard wall of solid muscles running with water droplets. The clean smell of soap and shampoo envelops me.
In a daze I feel myself being pulled through the entrance past an open-mouthed Andrea. I turn my shocked face to the owner of the hand. His hair is plastered to his head and rivulets of water are still running down his face and neck. My stunned brain makes a mental note: he was in the shower. His only covering is a small, white towel slung around his delectable hips. He must have just pulled the first thing that came to his hand, and run down the stairs when he heard the doorbell.
Did he know it was me ringing?
He propels me into the living room, and keeping a firm hold of my hand turns to glare at Andrea. She has followed us in and is standing at the door watching. An odd, unfathomable expression crosses his face. He shakes his head slightly to himself, part irritation, part exasperation.
‘Get back into your own clothes and leave, Andrea,’ he says tightly.
‘What about lunch?’ she asks sulkily.
‘What about lunch?’ It is obvious that he is finding it difficult to keep his temper in check.
‘You promised to take me.’
‘And I will, another time… If you get out of here right now.’
Huffily, but with impressive flamboyance, she flings his shirt to the floor and in her underwear stalks to a sofa where her clothes are. The bitch! She had wanted me to think she was naked underneath Jake’s shirt. That I had interrupted them at an intimate moment. Jake turns his gaze back to me. I have so many questions eating at me, but I am too frozen to say anything. My mouth is still hanging open.
I clamp it shut—I can wait until she is gone before I go ape shit.
She shoots daggers at me before bestowing a fake, happy smile on Jake. ‘See you later, then,’ she calls and flounces out of the room.
We hear the door close and Jake says in a weary voice, ‘Don’t make me come there and put you out, Andrea.’
There is a muffled sound of outrage and then the door slams hard.
‘How did you know she hadn’t gone?’
‘When things don’t go Andrea’s way she tends to slam doors.’
My mind is a seething mess of emotions. How dare he? How dare he act so cool?
‘What was she doing here?’
