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It starts so fast that I don’t know what’s going on, but she does. She must, because suddenly she isn’t kissing me. She presses her cheek to mine like she used to and moves onto all fours—elbows and knees—above me, and she wraps her forearms and her hands around the top of my head.
It’s some magic, like she’s pulling something out of me. My face flushes. My throat feels too full. Something throbs behind my eyes, and that’s when tears start dripping down my temples.
“I’m here because I wanted to see you. And I don’t think I’m being so good.”
I sit up abruptly, jostling her off me. She touches my hand. I pull it away.
“What are you doing, Elise? Go home.”
My words hurt her. I can feel it in her posture, hear it in the way she breathes. I can’t see her face because I’m holding my head now.
“Why?” she whispers.
“Do you want to hurt yourself?”
“I’m not doing that.” Her words are so soft. “I’m healing you, and I can feel how much you need it. Don’t lie to me now. Don’t be a coward, Luca.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“With you?” She laughs. “I know exactly what I’m doing. Do you think I’m scared? I am, but it’s worth it. Even if we’re twisted up, like you said.”
I look at her. “Why?” I close a hand around her shoulder, shake it lightly. “Why is it worth it? What do you get, rosa?”
She laughs like she thinks I’m crazy. “I get you.”
“For a night?”
“Even for an hour, Luca.”
I swallow, and she takes my face in her hands. “I make my choices. And I want this. For an hour or a night, I want to be here with you.”
“You don’t.” I shut my eyes so I don’t have to see her as I say, “You wouldn’t, if you knew what I am.”
“What are you, some kind of monster?”
“I’ve killed people.”
“Yes, I know already.”
“Does that get you off?” I open my eyes again to find her face taut.
“Don’t be this way. You’re just scared. You’re crying.” She wipes my cheek, and it’s just too fucking much. I get off the bed, feeling like my guts are hanging partway out.
“Who’d you kill, Luca? Why don’t you tell me all the stories, help me see you how you really are, if you’re some kind of crazy killer.”
I throw open the bedroom door. “Do you hear this conversation? It’s time for you to go.”
“No, I want to know. Tell me how many, tell me who they were. Tell me your made-up reasons for pushing me away. So when I remember this with you, this time I’ll understand.”
My heart beats harder.
Now her eyes are shining like she’s trying not to cry. “Did you know I still remember every word you said to Becca? Every word. You told me you loved me this morning. Was that just bullshit?”
I turn toward the door, my chest aching like it might split open. I hold my head, breathing slowly so I can get through this. “They were…a salesman, and a video game fanatic. Young guy. He wanted to do game designing. Then a guy who was going to harm…someone I had to protect.” That one was her father. The Bellinis—the ones who run New Jersey—had a young guy that got pissed off, heard E’s dad was inside at the D.A., leading some kind of investigation against them. He wasn’t. But this young dude panicked, tried to hunt him down. When he got too close, I did what was needed. Noah Bellini was grateful I took care of the guy.
“After that, two guys tried to sink me with some cargo. You know what they say…sleeping with the fishes.” Somebody was gonna die that night. It was me or them. Got the two of them with one bullet. Unintentional—but one was standing right in front of the other. “One of those guys was young, though. I felt bad about that.” I tug at my hair, taking another deep breath.
“The next two also were in a pair. You kill one, you’ve gotta get the other. Can’t have any witnesses. You know how that is.” I don’t hear a fucking thing. I tell myself that’s good, even as my heartbeat quickens. Not like this was going to work out. “Next—”
“What did they do?” Her voice rings like a bell in the quiet. “What were they doing when you killed them? The two you just said, who were somewhere together.”
“They were kicking someone’s ass.” My brother’s. Really hurt him. He was in the hospital for nine days—his only crime behaving differently than other kids at community college.
“The next three were fucking liars. We were” —I clamp my molars on the inside of my cheek— “making an exchange.” That was some H—the first time I was in the role Alesso fills now: overseeing. I remember it was cold that morning down at the warehouses. Dark night. Right near Valentine’s Day. They were thinking they could fuck me over. Figured I was just some new guy, didn’t know which way was up. “Anyway, that was the last of them. I didn’t want to do it that time, but I also wasn’t gonna die.”
