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I feel bad, though, because Maverick was right. I always hide in one of three spots, and usually under River’s bed. But I’d already hidden in all three, and Mav is good at finding me, so I did something different this time.
I want to ask about Kodiak, but I don’t want to make River more upset. Sometimes they don’t get along, and I know it’s because of me. Kodiak and I understand each other. We both have worry monsters that live inside us. He likes to be perfect at everything. Sometimes when he makes mistakes, he can’t handle it. That’s when the monster inside gets so big, it takes over.
Even though we’re twins, River doesn’t understand what that’s like. He wants to, but he can’t, and that makes him angry.
“Is everyone else okay?” I ask.
River shrugs. “Mostly. Lovey and Lacey were really upset and wanted to see you before they left. BJ too. Kody had a big meltdown ’cause Daddy was so angry.”
A spike of panic makes my throat tight.
“He was okay before they went home, though. I know he was just trying to help,” River rushes on, his eyes darting away for a second. “Everyone was okay, just worried about you and feeling bad ’cause you got stuck.”
I nod and yawn. I’m so tired, and all the worries seem to be seeping back in. I want to fall asleep before they make it impossible.
River goes back to his own bed, flicks off the lamp, and we lie facing each other. I close my eyes and focus on trying to sleep, but the dark reminds me of the closet, and the panic makes it hard to swallow. And I’m worried about Maverick now too. River’s breath has evened out. He never has trouble sleeping.
I slip out of bed and push the door open. I check over my shoulder to make sure River is still asleep before I pad down the hall toward Maverick’s room. I have to pass Mommy and Daddy’s room on the way. Their door is open a few inches, a light still on.
“It’ll be okay, Vi.”
“I don’t know if it will, Alex.” Her voice cracks, and she sucks in big breaths. She’s crying. Because of me.
“We’ll call Queenie in the morning and up Lavender’s sessions with her.”
“She was so scared, Alex.” She hiccups.
“Shhh, baby, it’s okay,” Daddy says. “It’ll be okay. I’m sorry I lost it. I just thought . . . I don’t know what I thought. It took me right back to when she went missing.”
I peek through the crack in the door, my body full of energy I don’t like. Daddy keeps wiping Mommy’s eyes. He looks so sad. They both do.
“It was exactly the same for me. All I could see was what she looked like when you found her. I feel so awful. Kody was just trying to help. That poor kid. Those poor kids. River was losing his mind.”
“I know, but he’s okay. They both are. We’re not going to fix the problem tonight, Vi.”
She’s quiet for a few seconds. “I want to protect her from everything. I want to keep her safe from the world and everything that can hurt her.”
“We all do. C’mere, baby, let’s try to sleep.”
The light extinguishes, and the sound of sheets rustling follows.
I don’t go to Maverick’s room. Instead, I head back to River’s. My parents’ conversation makes me uneasy. I don’t like it when they talk about the night at the carnival.
I crawl back into bed and try to sleep, but the dark makes me feel alone, even with the sound of River breathing close by.
All I want is for things not to change. But they always do. And every time, I lose something. Pieces of memories disappear, and new fears creep in and live in those holes. I can never get a handle on things. I can’t keep up. And no matter how much I wish time would stand still, it keeps moving forward, pulling me and everyone else along with it.Chapter EightMisinterpretation Nation
Lavender
Present day
“HOW WAS YOUR first day of classes?”
I adjust my laptop monitor so my therapist isn’t looking at my rack and neck. “Clusterfuck would about sum it up.”
Queenie nods slowly and folds her hands in her lap. As a kid, when I used to see her, I’d stay busy with my hands, working on some kind of art project while we talked. But now that our sessions are less frequent, I try my best to stay in the moment, even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes. We’ve been working together since I was four years old. Even though she’s still in Seattle with her family, she’s always made time for me.
There have been times when I only needed to talk once a month, but we decided since I’ve moved away from home, we’d start my first month with weekly sessions and adjust from there. This is the one relationship in my life no one is worried about me being too dependent on, myself included.
