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That was hard to hear, and I didn’t really have an answer. Matters of the heart weren’t always logical or easy to explain.
That afternoon after Jade and I got off the phone, I made some coffee and sat at my window. Damien was painting in the courtyard. I knew this was the time of day when the sun was just right when he usually worked on his art. I wasn’t normally at home at this time but had taken a personal day.
I sat and watched him for almost two hours as he painted a mountain with a sunset behind it. It was amazing how something that started out as a series of sprayed lines could be transformed into an image so realistic with the right blend of colors.
I wondered what he was thinking about and what made him decide to draw a mountain and a sunset. The dogs were sitting down watching him with their tongues hanging out, and that made me smile. It took everything in me to stop myself from going out there and joining them, but I didn’t want to disrupt him or worse—upset him.
My phone rang, interrupting the stalking session. It was Ariel from the youth center.
“Hey, Ariel. What’s up?”
“I was looking for you, but you’re not in today. You said I could call you anytime if I needed you, right?”
“Yes. Of course. What’s wrong?”
“Promise you won’t get mad at me?”
“I promise.”
“I had sex with Kai.”
Shit.
“Wow. Alright. Are you okay?”
“I think so. I mean, it wasn’t that great.”
I laughed inwardly. “Yeah, first times usually aren’t.”
“I see that now.”
“What made you decide to take that step?”
“I was curious. I wanted to see if it brings us closer. And I love him.”
“Well, as long as you’re okay with it and didn’t feel forced into doing something you weren’t ready for.”
“It’s too late now anyway, right?”
“It’s not too late to stop having sex moving forward.”
“I just thought I’d feel different…better about things…and I don’t.”
“Sex sometimes only complicates things even further.”
God, look who’s talking. It was like I needed my own advice.
“I almost feel more afraid than I was before,” she said.
“Since you’re being so honest with me, I’m going to tell you something very personal.”
“Okay.”
“You asked me a while back if I’d met anyone since Elec. At the time, there wasn’t anyone, but since then, I have met someone. He became my really good friend, but the problem is, I ended up developing strong feelings for him.”
“Did you have sex with him?”
“Well, that’s the thing. Even though we’re adults, which makes it less risky than it is at your age, he doesn’t want to take that step with me. It’s not because he’s not attracted to me. The temptation is there. But for some reason, he doesn’t feel that he can commit to me in the long term. So, he made the decision to not let things go any further, because he understands that sex does complicate things, and he’s trying to protect my feelings. He’s right, because a sexual relationship is not a step that anyone should take unless they’re sure. Even though I wish things were different, deep down, I respect his decision. I respect him so much for not using me or taking advantage of my vulnerability and for not wanting to hurt me.”
In an odd way, it made me love him even more, which was so fucked-up.
“Are you crying?” Ariel asked.
Wiping my eyes, I chuckled through my tears. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“See…sometimes, adults need to talk, too.”***Everyday I would tell myself that today was the day I would go over to Damien’s and apologize, and each day, I would let the opportunity pass me by. It never felt like the right time.
Sometimes, life doesn’t wait for the right time. Sometimes, a sudden situation brings people together whether they are ready for it or not.
One Wednesday, upon arriving home from work, the building super was standing outside with one of the dogs—but not both—which seemed odd. Upon closer look, I realized he was with Dudley.
“Hey, Murray. What’s going on? Where’s Damien?”
The look on his face worried me. “Drewfus was hit by a car today.”
My stomach sank. “What? Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure. He took him to the animal hospital. Boss was pretty shaken up.”
Dudley would normally be jumping up and down around me, but instead, he was quiet and didn’t seem himself.
“Did Dudley see it happen?”
“I think so. I wasn’t here. I guess Drewfus just took off suddenly, and it all happened so fast.”
My heart was aching for Damien. The dogs were his life. Filled with dread, I took out my phone and sent him a text.Is Drewfus okay?It was several minutes before he responded.Damien: He’s in surgery. Some broken limbs and internal damage. I won’t know more until he’s out.Breathing out a sigh of relief that the dog was alive, I typed.
