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“Yeah…you mentioned that. What does your other sister do?”
“Claire. She’s a teacher. The three of us couldn’t be more different.”
“In what way?”
“Well, Claire is the oldest. She’s the sensible one. Never got into any real trouble. Married her high school sweetheart. Jade is the youngest. Tall, model looks, overachiever, outgoing—complete show off. She’s funny as hell, and I’m closest to her. Then, there’s me. I’m the short, crazy one in the middle and neither sensible nor outgoing. Just…” I hesitated.
Damien answered, “Quirky and sweet…adorable.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.”
“Well, that’s my take.”
“I suppose you’d also say a little perverted.”
“No.” He winked. “I’d say a lot perverted.”
We ate the pizza on the living room floor while Dudley sat between us. He was finally getting his appetite back and ate some of our scraps. The television was on, but we weren’t really paying attention as we chatted, making easy conversation about our families and the latest happenings with the tenants in the building.
Everything was kosher until our attention turned to a graphic sex scene that was part of the movie that we supposedly weren’t paying attention to. Things started to get really awkward fast. Damien grabbed the remote and changed the channel as quickly as he could.
I got up off the floor. “I think it’s time for me to head next door.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Dudley had other plans. As I made my way to the door, he started to whimper.
I scooted down. “I’m sorry. I have to go, buddy.”
He began to lick my face as I scratched his head.
“I know you don’t want me to leave.”
I snuck out fast, but as soon as I returned to my apartment, the howling started. Dudley wasn’t letting me off easy.
My phone rang. It was Damien.
“He started to really freak out after you left. Do you think you can come back? Just for tonight. He’s all fucked-up.”
“It’s really late.”
“You can sleep in my bed with him.”
“Where are you going to sleep?”
“On the couch.”
“I guess neither one of us will get any sleep if I don’t come over, huh?”
“I’d say that’s a safe bet.”
“Okay, let me just change into my pajamas.”
Damien let out a breath into the phone. “Thank you.”
The idea of sleeping over there didn’t sit well with me. Here I was trying to get over my feelings for him, and I was about to spend the night at his apartment for the first time with him there. It was for Dudley’s sake, but still.
After brushing my teeth and changing into my pajama shorts and long-sleeved cotton sleep-shirt, I returned to Damien’s door.
“You look comfy.” He smiled. “Thanks for coming back.”
“I’m gonna go straight to bed,” I said, walking past him and toward the bedroom.
Dudley followed me, seeming to understand exactly why I’d returned. Damien had folded down his sheets just right for us and turned on the small lamp. So much had happened between us since the last time I’d slept in this bed. We’d had that amazing kiss, but he’d also managed to destroy most of my hope.
I really wanted to go back to my apartment but couldn’t do that to Dudley.
I slept on my stomach while the dog nestled himself at my side. Damien’s smell was all over the pillowcase just like I remembered, but it no longer gave me pleasure to inhale him. It made me feel nothing but sadness and painful longing.
I hated myself for being unable to shake this, for my inability to just appreciate him as a friend. Maybe I was too vulnerable for a friendship with a man because the wounds from my breakup with Elec were still fresh. Maybe if this were another time in my life, I could’ve handled the situation with Damien better.
Damien had gotten up to use the bathroom that was right outside his bedroom. Listening to him pee, I tossed and turned.
He must have heard me because he stopped in the doorway. I could barely make out the silhouette of his bare, sculpted chest in the darkness.
His voice was low. “You need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Dudley’s out, huh?”
“Yes.” My answers were short to match my odd temperament tonight.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I didn’t answer.
Rather than returning to the couch, Damien approached the bed and sat down at the edge. He placed his hand on my head and ran his fingers slowly through my hair. That simple gesture was my undoing.
“Please don’t touch me.”
Seeming shocked at my abrupt reaction, his hand stilled. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to do anything Chelsea. I was jus—”
“Oh, I know you weren’t. Believe me, I know that.” He went quiet, and I continued, “You keep sending me mixed messages, Damien. For the record, I love it when you touch me, but it’s better for me if you don’t. You’ve been very upfront with me. You’ve made it clear that there’s no future. I appreciate your honesty so much. But I can’t handle it when you touch me. I just don’t understand why I can’t ignore these feelings despite everything you’ve said. Sometimes, I honestly think it would be better if…”
