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After the show, Jade took me to dinner with the cast. We went to a Japanese restaurant and bar called Sake Sake. Between the drinks and the loud conversations, I’d almost forgotten about Damien for a couple of hours. Almost.
When we got back to Jade’s tiny apartment, though, thoughts of him were back in full force. It was the first time I had an opportunity to tell Jade the news of my discovering his heart condition. Since I knew I was coming to Manhattan, I’d waited to talk to her about it in person.
Jade sat on the floor with her legs crossed. Her face was still in full makeup. “Wow. I’m just…I’m speechless.”
“I know.”
“It’s like everything I thought I knew about this situation just went out the window.”
“What changed?”
“Well…” she said, “There was always a part of me that felt despite what he was telling you, that his feelings for you weren’t as strong as yours for him. But this news is a game changer. He really was trying to protect you from getting hurt. I do think what his brother said was right, that he’s in love with you and truly feels like he’s protecting you.”
“I won’t believe that he’s in love with me until I hear it from him. As much as I want to be with him, more than anything, I just want him to be okay.” I glanced out at the city lights. “Bet you never thought I’d be in New York without a single mention of Elec, huh?”
“Well, that is the only great thing about your Damien woes.”
“Seriously.”
“Are you gonna call him while you’re here?”
“I’m trying not to. I’m supposed to be giving him space. The ball is in his court. I can’t force him to be with me. He said he had to go away for a few days to think.”
“Where did he go?”
“Home to San Jose. His mother lives there.”
“Well, then let’s just try to get your mind off of things. I have the day off tomorrow. We’ll go shopping, go see a show—one that I’m not in—and have a nice dinner.”
“That sounds awesome.”***The week in New York City flew by. It was my last night, and I was alone while Jade was performing. My flight was scheduled for the next morning. As I waited for her to return so that we could have a late dinner together, I impulsively picked up my phone and decided to text Damien. Something about being so physically far away from him gave me a false sense of courage. My emotions just came pouring out.This is bullshit. Of course I’m terrified to lose you, but I am way more terrified of living without you while you’re alive and well. For the record, I would rather have a single day of truly being with you than twenty thousand days of going through the motions with someone who doesn’t have my heart. I don’t care if I never have the chance to grow old and decrepit with you. I want today. I want to watch creepy movies with you and the dogs, burn toast in your apartment. I want to feel you inside of me. I want to experience everything with you while we’re both alive. WE ARE BOTH ALIVE. A good life is about quality, not quantity. I just want to be with you for however long that may be. But I can’t force you to see things the way I do.When I hit send, I noticed that the message was faded and didn’t say delivered. I had no clue whether or not it went through. Maybe it was an omen signifying that I had made a dire mistake.
Not knowing if it was my phone or an external issue, I decided to call him. I really needed to get everything off my chest one way or another while the words were fresh in my mind.
Damien’s line rang, and my heart nearly stopped when a sleepy female voice answered, “Damien’s phone.”
Shock paralyzed me, so I said nothing for several seconds.
She repeated, “Hello?”
Swallowing, I said, “Who’s this?”
“It’s Jenna. Who’s this?”
“Jenna…” I paused, dumbfounded. “It’s Chelsea.”
“Oh. Well, Damien’s in the shower right now.”
“What are you doing there?”
“What do you think I’m doing here?”
I quickly hung up.
Fuming, I grabbed my coat and ran out of Jade’s apartment to get some air. Weaving through crowds of people on the busy streets of Times Square, I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to even realize how far I’d travelled. I didn’t even know where I was anymore, both literally and figuratively.
While I was here in New York, still pining over him, he was apparently fucking his ex-girlfriend?
After about an hour of wandering around in a daze, I took my phone out of my purse and texted him.You’re a fool.I kept waiting for him to respond. The minutes went by, and nothing came back from him.
