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As was usual around Bianca, my body was beginning to betray me. My erection grew harder with every second that her eyes remained fixed on my body. I couldn’t even be certain whether I could have stopped myself if Bianca told me she didn’t care about the repercussions. If she told me to fuck her then and there, I honestly didn’t know how I would have reacted. That was how desperate I felt.
I led her over to the couch. As I lay back, she reached out and hesitantly placed her hand on my abs. Even though she looked reluctant, it was clear that she’d been dying to do it.
“It’s okay. Touch me. We won’t take it any further. Just touch me.”
She ran her hand along every inch of my chest as I closed my eyes and relished her touch. She then lowered her head and lay down on my heaving chest. I was sure she could feel my heart beating right into her eardrum.
“I don’t want to give you up,” she whispered over my skin.
Running my fingers through her beautiful dark hair, I said, “Can I tell you a secret?”
Her voice was barely audible. “Yes.”
“I have to tell this to you now because the way I see it…anything I say now could be construed as okay since we don’t know the truth yet.”
She lifted her head and sat up to look at me. I was glad she did because this was important.
I took the opportunity to return that focused attention as I stared deeply into her eyes. “I won’t ever stop loving you. Even if it turns out we’re blood-related, I will still love you. I may not be able to admit it to you anymore then, and I may not be able to express it to you physically, but I won’t stop loving you. I need you to know that. You will move on eventually. You will meet someone new, but I will still never stop loving you. I might meet someone and marry eventually, but when she’s walking down the aisle, make no mistake, I’m going to be thinking of you and wishing things were different. Because I will never stop loving you. And whether you’re my lover or my sister…you will still be the most amazing woman I have ever met. No matter what, Bianca, you are the love of my life. No one will ever replace you.”
Her face was covered in tears. “I love you so much, Dex.”
The need to feel her mouth on mine was unbearable. “I really need to kiss you right now.”
“Kiss me. Please…kiss me,” she breathed.
And so I did. With the same intensity with which she’d begged for it, I kissed her harder and with more passion than I ever had before. If it was wrong, I didn’t want it to be right. Like Jelani said, ignorance was bliss. My compromise was that I wouldn’t sleep with her, but I was going to damn well kiss her. Maybe it would have seemed more salacious if we hadn’t done it countless times before. But it felt so natural, so familiar. Like breathing. If I was going to hell for continuing to do what felt natural, then so be it.
In fact, I’d turn myself in.I hated that Bianca had to leave.
The next afternoon, she’d flown out for an assignment down in Virginia. I’d lightly suggested that she reschedule the interview, but Bianca had said she needed to work to make the time pass or she’d go crazy. I could understand that, but I hated that she would be sitting in a hotel room hundreds of miles away for two nights, thinking the worst was going to happen. Not to mention that two nights away from her seemed like an eternity. And while we spoke on the phone every morning and evening, I felt her slipping away from me again. Physical distance made her overthink things. Her voice was sad when I called to check in on her that afternoon.
“How did your interview go? Did you get everything you needed?” I asked.
“I think so.” She sighed. “To be honest, I don’t have any idea. Thankfully, I grabbed my recorder at the last minute before I left—something I never really use—because I’m pretty sure everything he said went in one ear and out the other.”
“It’s to be expected. You’re under a lot of stress.”
“You want to know something funny?”
“I could use funny right about now, yes.” I leaned back into my office chair.
“I woke up in the middle of the night with a mini panic attack. I couldn’t fall back asleep right away, so I got out my Baoding balls while my mind was racing over everything from the last week.”
“I might have laid in bed last night playing with my own stress balls and thinking of you, too. Let me ask you, have you ever tried inserting them and wiggling around? I think that might go a long way toward stress reduction.”
