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“It’s your eyes. You don’t see it, but whenever I mention him, they change. I can’t explain it, except to say I can see your sadness.”
Blowing out a long breath, I realized I might have been more transparent than I thought. Caleb’s name felt like a knife to my heart, a reminder that he was out there somewhere, no longer part of my life, and I might never see him again. After he left, I’d realized even more how much I cared about him.
She hopped up from her seat. “I have to run. Late for work. But think about this weekend, okay? I’ll send you a link to Ethan’s profile so you can look through his photos and tell me what you think.”
No way.
I rolled my eyes and pretended to play along. “Okay.”***I don’t know what made me check Archie’s Instagram that night. Caleb’s friend was also back living in England now. My understanding was that nothing ever became of his relationship with Angela from Boston. They’d just cut ties, apparently.
Okay, I know why I checked Archie’s Instagram.
Kai’s bringing Caleb up earlier had opened up some kind of emotional wound. I’d spent the rest of the day thinking about him—more than usual. I knew Caleb never posted much on his own accounts, aside from stupid memes. I’d be more likely to see something about Caleb through Archie’s page. I’d checked there before, and most of the time, there were just shots of Archie out and about on the town or various meals he’d enjoyed. But when I checked tonight, I hit the motherlode.
I started shaking as I looked at the most recent photo he’d posted. My heart. God, my heart. It felt like it might burst out of my chest. Or maybe it was breaking. My eyes stung with tears. I wiped them away so I could examine the photo. Next to my Caleb was a gorgeous brunette with her arm around him. She kissed his cheek as he flashed a sly grin. There was nothing hesitant or regretful about his expression. He didn’t look like he had a care in the world. Archie had captioned it: At least someone is getting some tonight.
Jealousy mixed with pain mixed with hate roiled inside me. Okay, it wasn’t quite hate—because can you hate someone if you still love them? Three months. Was one summer enough time to have mourned our relationship? I felt everything rising up in me, and I barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit out what felt like my entire soul.
After I came up for air, I noticed my phone was still open to the photo. Exiting Instagram as fast as I could, I threw my phone across the room. My hands trembled. It was an odd sense of despair, because in the back of my mind, I also knew I had no right to be upset. Caleb and I had never agreed to keep our relationship going. He was one-hundred-percent free to pursue anyone he wanted, to do whatever or whomever he wanted—and yet I’d hoped he’d pine for me a bit longer. I had certainly continued to pine for him.
But that stopped now, whether I wanted to do it or not.CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE* * *TEAGAN
TWO MONTHS LATER“You okay, baby?”
Ethan and I had just been messing around in my bed. We hadn’t had sex yet, but we’d done everything else. Unlike other guys I’d dated before Caleb, I actually found Ethan attractive. We’d been having an amazing time together, for the most part. Ethan worked as a computer programmer in Cambridge. He’d moved out of his parents’ house into his own apartment near work, but often came to Brookline to hang out with me when I had to get up early and didn’t feel like venturing to his side of the city. He was not only charming and funny, but super patient. He had his shit together, and I really liked him.
Once again, though, I had to explain to him why I’d become closed-off right at the point where it would have seemed natural to have sex.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why...but I’m just not ready.”
He looked worried. “You know I’ll never pressure you, right?”
“That’s one of the things I appreciate about you.” I sighed. “I want you to know it’s not you, okay? The last relationship I was in hurt me pretty badly, so I feel like I need to go slow this time.”
I’d told Ethan everything about Caleb, so he knew exactly whom I was referring to. Even though Caleb had moved on, I still couldn’t. Ethan probably wished he could strangle Caleb.
I had to give it to him, though. Ethan was always great about moving on from my awkward rejections.
He changed the subject. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. Luke and I were thinking of going camping up in New Hampshire. What do you think? Just Luke, Kai, you, and me.”
