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I sat in Mom’s bedroom and looked around at all of her things, the clothes hanging in the closet, the bunny figurines on the dresser. Easter was always her favorite holiday. She’d have the entire house decked out in pastel-colored eggs, little furry chicks, and bunny figurines. Easter was going to be tough this year.
Every day was going to be tough.
I knew eventually I would have to pack this stuff away so I could sell the house and move on with my life. There was only one thing I was sure of: moving on involved taking the next step with Anna. She was my family now.
“Let’s move in together,” I suddenly said.
Her eyes widened. “Where did that come from?”
“It comes from the fact that I love you. I want us to start our lives together. Mom would want that.”
Anna and I had planned to get an apartment together in California before our move was canceled. She’d continued living with her father while commuting to school.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Of course, I am. It’s long overdue.”
Before she died, my mother encouraged me to someday sell this house and use the money to buy Anna an engagement ring, along with a place for Anna and me to call our own. I planned to fulfill those wishes.
“I would love nothing more than to move in with you, baby,” she said.
“It’s settled, then.”
The brief high that came from thinking about shacking up with Anna was quickly replaced by another wave of emptiness.
She could see that my fleeting moment of happiness was gone.
“What can I get you?” she asked.
“Why don’t you go home?” I told her. “You’ve been by my side for three days straight. You need a break.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“It’s okay. I promise, I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m positive.”
She embraced me. “I love you so much. I’m just gonna check in on my dad. I’ll come right back tomorrow morning.”
Anna was about to get up off the bed when I placed my arm on hers to stop her.
“Thank you for everything.” I wrapped my hands around her cheeks, pulling her in for a kiss. Her warmth comforted me. Maybe tomorrow I could bury myself inside of her and forget this pain.
“You know you’re not alone, right?” she said. “You have me.”
That was probably the only thing I could count on. Anna had been my rock throughout my mother’s illness, and now in the aftermath of her death. Anna was my everything.
But right now, I did need to be alone. I’d somehow managed not to lose control yesterday, kept my tears at bay at the service because I didn’t want prying eyes witnessing my grief. Being back in the emptiness of this house, staring at the bed where my mother took her final breaths with hospice by her side, was proving more difficult than I’d imagined. I needed to let go, and I wanted to do it alone.
As soon as Anna left, I collapsed onto Mom’s bed. Her pillow still smelled like her perfume. I buried my head in it and finally wept.***Screw this. I jumped out of bed, conceding to the fact that I couldn’t sleep. Throwing on my clothes, I decided to get some air.
I put one foot in front of the other and eventually ended up at the hospital. Not the most obvious place to go in the middle of the night, but nevertheless, here I was. Even though Mom wasn’t here anymore, it felt like this was where I needed to be. I’d gotten so used to visiting that it sort of felt like home, though it would surely be different now.
I headed down to the pediatric unit and wandered the desolate halls. The door to one of the rooms was open. I noticed a kid who was wide awake and sitting up in bed. I’d definitely never seen him here before. He must have been new and looked about thirteen.
He turned when he noticed me standing there.
After a few seconds, he asked, “Who are you?”
Who am I?
That was an interesting question, since lately I’d been trying to figure that out.
“I’m Hollis.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing. I’m lost, I guess.”
“Pretty sucky place to get lost. Are you sleepwalking or something?”
“Something like that.”
He gestured to the chair next to his bed. “You should sit. Take a load off.”
I shrugged. “Alright.”
The second my ass hit the seat, there was a loud vibration from beneath it that resembled the sound of flatulence. I shot up and saw it: a deflated whoopee cushion.
Little bastard.
The kid started cracking up. “I’ve had it there all day, and you’re the first one to fall for it.”
“I guess I should check where I sit from now on. Glad I could entertain you, though.”
“I gotta entertain myself, dude. No one else is gonna amuse me here, least of all those volunteers who come in and try to be funny. They’re not. You can’t make me laugh when you’re trying to make me laugh, you know? That’s so lame.”
