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I felt like I was gearing up for war. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m still in love with him. He’s the love of my life, and I think he’s still in love with me, too.”
I felt nauseous. “Have you told him all this?”
“We only saw each other for the first time in a long time earlier today. I told him my engagement was over, but I didn’t tell him how I feel. He knows nothing about my feelings.”
“Why are you telling me all of this right now?”
“Because I think you should know I do plan to tell him. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not during this difficult time. That wouldn’t be appropriate. He needs time to heal. But I’m going to tell him soon.”
When someone walked in, her head turned toward the door. “Please don’t mention we had this conversation. It will stress him out, and I don’t want that right now.”
A woman came between us to wash her hands. After she left, Mallory said, “Did you know Ryder’s dad?”
“No.”
“His father was his entire world. It’s going to be a long time before Ryder can deal with anything else. So again, please don’t mention we had this conversation.”
Before I could respond, she walked out. It took me a few minutes to regain my bearings enough to return to the main room where Ryder was waiting.
“I was starting to worry you weren’t coming back,” he said. “I thought maybe I’d hallucinated you coming in the first place.”
“Sorry. There was a wait.”
“No worries. I still can’t believe you’re here.”
Mallory had given us space, choosing to sit with the others who’d already made it through the line and given their condolences.
My feelings were very revealing. I’d always told myself I was going to lose Ryder, that our lives were too different for things to work out. Yet at this moment, I felt completely sideswiped, devastated, like all of the hope had been sucked out of me—hope I didn’t even realize I’d been hanging on to. So maybe I had thought things might work out with us.
Until now. Now I was terrified of losing him, and my hands were tied. Bringing it up with him would have been an asshole move, given the circumstances.
“Have I told you how happy I am you’re here?” Ryder whispered in my ear before greeting yet another person in line.
I stood by his side for a while. At one point, Mallory approached us and hugged Ryder goodbye. Every second of that hug was painful for me.
Then she left, and I felt like I could breathe—for the time being.
The funeral director came by and told Ryder he’d closed the door to stop anyone else from coming in.
A half-hour later, the line finally came to an end.
Ryder grabbed me by the hand and led me out a side entrance, where a driver was waiting for us. It felt like we were jumping into a getaway car.
The second the car door closed, Ryder buried his face in my chest and started sobbing. It was the first time I’d seen him cry all night. He’d apparently been holding it in and waiting for this moment—when people were no longer watching him—to let it all out. My own tears fell as I held him, his shoulders shaking in my arms.
His crying eventually wound down into heavy breaths. He whispered over my skin, “Nothing and no one can make me feel better, but when you walked in, it was the first time I felt alive again.” Ryder softly kissed my neck. “How long can you stay?”
“I’ll be here for the funeral tomorrow. My flight is the next day.”
“So, who exactly is taking care of Ollie? You said a friend?”
“My friend Camille. She offered. She works with me at Ellerby’s.”
“Is she responsible?”
I smiled at his concern. “Yes. She watched him once before.”
“Whoever she is, remind me to give her a big kiss for allowing you to come to L.A. I could never repay her for letting me have you right now.”
“I’m so glad you wanted me here.”
He once again brought me closer to him. “How could I not want you here?”
“I just wasn’t sure if it would be…too much.”
“There’s only one thing I need tonight, Eden.”
“What’s that?”
“I want to take a hot shower with you, bury myself inside of you, and forget about everything else. You’re all I need.”
For the time being, hearing that was all I needed.
“We can do that.” I held him tighter. “Are you okay?”
Seemed like a dumb question, considering the circumstances, but it escaped my lips before I thought better of it.
“No,” he answered. “It’s gonna be a while before I am. It still hasn’t sunk in.”
“I know.”
“But I’m the best I could possibly be right now with you here.” He straightened up to look at me. “I know you’re probably wondering why Mallory was with me when you arrived.”
