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“That must have confused him. He knows I’ve never done the online dating thing.”
“Yeah, he was totally confused.”
I looked over at the clock on my phone. It was getting late. My time here was almost over, and it made me panicky inside. Ryder could apparently see that in my face.
“What’s wrong? Something else is bothering you. I know it.”
“No,” I lied.
“Eden…”
I couldn’t let myself bring up Mallory. It was too much. So I did my best to relay my feelings without getting into a messy conversation about his ex.
“I know the next several months are going to be hard. I just want you to know I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need me. I don’t expect anything in return. You need time to figure out what direction your life is going, and that includes how I fit into it. That also means I need to proceed with caution, knowing that—”
“Are you trying to break up with me or something?” The look of concern on his face was growing by the second.
Like I could ever willingly let you go.
“No. I care about you so much…and that’s why I want to give you time without pressure to figure out what you really want.”
“I want you.” He grabbed my hand and threaded his fingers through mine. “Where is this coming from?”
“My logical mind? I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t bring up our relationship while I was here. It’s not appropriate, given what you’re going through. I don’t think we should be talking about this right now.”
“Don’t worry about that. I can handle it. And don’t ever apologize for telling me what’s on your mind. I’m just trying to figure out exactly what you’re getting at.” Ryder sat up, then lifted me to straddle him.
I looked deeply into his eyes and said, “After all of the time we’ve been seeing each other, we’re no closer to knowing what’s going to happen between us long-term. I’m really scared to lose you, but at the same time, I want to be realistic. We can’t live with our heads in the sand. At some point, something’s gotta give. Being out here has made me realize how much of your life I miss out on—pretty much all of it. It’s just not possible to keep doing what we’re doing forever.”
His expression became less rigid as a realization seemed to come over him. “You’re right. This isn’t really fair, is it? I’ve never promised you anything…because a part of me is afraid I can’t live up to what you need. And with my father passing, it’s just made my future even more unclear. The only thing constant is how I feel about you. And I want that to be enough, more than anything.”
If only that were enough.
“I have no doubt that you want to be with me,” I clarified. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I know you need time to figure out your life. And I want to give that to you without you having to worry about losing me. I’ll be here for you until you figure it out. I don’t expect that to be tomorrow, or next month, even. But we do need to figure this out. We can’t live in limbo forever.”
Plus, the longer I have you, the harder it’s going to be to lose you.
He placed his hand on my chin and caressed it with his thumb. “You’re right. It’s not fair. I promise to figure it out. I just wish I knew what that entails. Thank you for giving me time.”***I opened my eyes at 5:30AM. Ryder had a tough time getting to sleep last night. He’d finally fallen asleep around three in the morning, and he was now completely out.
I couldn’t get our conversation out of my head. He’d vowed to make a conscious effort to figure out where things stood between us. And I believed him. But that meant the clock was ticking. That terrified me, because I couldn’t see any conclusion that wouldn’t mean me getting hurt. It felt like the end of us was near.
Since I wasn’t able to sleep, I slipped out of bed and headed downstairs. I hadn’t spent any time outside on Ryder’s property, and I thought it might be nice to watch the sunrise over the city in the distance. Because Ryder’s house was up high, you could see the Los Angeles skyline.
After making some coffee, I took it outside and sat on a grassy hill out back. I closed my eyes and let the morning breeze blow into my face. It was so quiet and peaceful. Ryder had a gorgeous garden featuring rosebushes and exotic flowers, along with some sculptures. If I lived here, I would be outside every day, meditating and soaking in the beautifully landscaped scenery.
A rush of emotions hit me. More than anything, I wished I could stay here. It killed me that I couldn’t continue to be here for Ryder when he needed me—especially this week when he’d be bombarded at work. I knew he was still so confused and stressed about what to do with the studio.
