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“I don’t agree. It’s the thought that counts, no matter how much money you have. You’re a good guy, Rush. And you would give anyone the shirt off your back if they needed it. I’ve only known you for a short time, but I have no doubt about that.”
His ears seemed to turn red. I was learning that Rush wasn’t comfortable taking compliments.
He stopped for a moment. “Anywhere you want to go before we head back?”
Starting to feel tired, I said, “I think I’d just like to go home. I have to write tonight.”
We started walking again when he asked, “How’s it coming anyway? The book?”
I sighed. “It’s not really…coming.”
His mouth twitched and he looked tense.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“You said coming. I lost my train of thought for a second.”
“Forgot I have to be careful with my words around you.” I winked.
“Seriously, though,” he said. “Why do you think you’re having so much trouble focusing?”
“I just can’t stop the self-doubt. I second-guess every word and erase what I wrote half of the time. It’s awful.”
Rush scratched his chin. “Why don’t you try to write as if no one is going to read it? Just say fuck it…and stop overthinking it. I bet if you go back and read what you wrote afterward, you’ll find it’s not even that bad. Having something down on paper is better than nothing at all.”
I pondered his advice. “So, pretend that no one will ever see it…”
“Yeah. If you find yourself stopping to think too much…just keep going…push through it. Worry about it later. Write the first thing that comes to mind and trust your instinct. You’re probably a way worse judge of yourself than anyone.” He nudged me with his shoulder. “Anyway, who cares what people think? Write what you like…I bet it will turn out that’s what other people will like, too.”
Nodding, I considered his advice. “I’ll try to adopt that approach.” His words repeated it my mind and prompted me to say, “But that’s pretty ironic coming from you, don’t you think?”
“What part is ironic?”
“‘Who cares what people think?’ This from the guy who refuses to date an employee for fear of what everyone will think?”
He slowed his pace, looking a bit pissed at me for bringing this up. “It’s not about what people think, so much as the principle of the matter. As a business owner, you don’t date someone you employ. It’s unethical. It’s also ripe pickings for a lawsuit and that’s a headache I sure as hell don’t need.”
“But it’s okay for you to sleep in my bed?”
That comment seemed to anger him even more. “No, that’s not okay. That was a mistake.”
The question that had been on the tip of my tongue somehow slipped out against my better judgment. “What if I got another job? Would that change things?”
He seemed to be struggling with how to respond to that. I braced myself because I knew the answer to that question was a game changer. It would prove his true feelings once and for all.
Rush reached into his pocket for a cigarette before lighting up. It had seemed like he was making a conscious effort not to smoke up until I drove him to it just now.
His eyes almost looked pained when he said, “I like hanging out with you. But I’m not right for you, Gia.”
“Then the boss thing is just an excuse? It’s really not the reason you won’t date me.”
“It’s not the only issue, no. The issue is me…not you.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not you. It’s me. What an original line! I should put that in my sucky book.”My little interrogation must have angered Rush more than I knew, because he was quiet the rest of the walk to the parking garage.
Once we got to the car and on the road, the silent treatment continued as he proceeded to just smoke the entire time.
I was mad at myself for bringing up the subject of our relationship. He’d made his intentions clear, and I had to accept that. But there was still the fact that I wasn’t sure if I fully believed he didn’t want more with me. He was clearly attracted to me and protective of me. Was he scared? Or just not interested? It didn’t matter. As soon as he’d pulled the old “it’s not you, it’s me,” I was done.
I couldn’t stand the quiet anymore, so I was the first to speak.
“You said we were gonna play fortunately-unfortunately on the ride back.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not in the mood right now.”
Ignoring him, I said, “Okay…I’ll start. Fortunately, one of us doesn’t stay angry for very long and knows how to break the ice.”
He gave me side-eye and surprised me when he started to play along. “Unfortunately, Gia decided to break the ice by reminding me of this stupid game.” He shook his head and blew smoke out the window.
