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It was late and pitch black out. The lights on the highway looked like a bunch of blurry, illuminated lines. I blinked several times to see straight.
I’d just gotten off the Long Island Expressway when the headlights of an oncoming car came into focus. Suddenly, it seemed like the car was headed straight toward me.
Shit!
Gia.
I swerved, nearly losing control of my Mustang. And then it was over.
Gia.
What just happened?
Did I almost just get hit head-on?
My heart was practically exploding out of my chest. My body was shaking.
Gia.
It was still unclear to me whether the car was headed into mine, whether I was the one at fault, or whether I’d just overreacted. All I knew was that for a split second, I felt like I was going to die. And in that moment, it was Gia I thought about.
Well, isn’t that an eye opener.
Keeping my speed down, I wiped my forehead with my sleeve and continued to drive while trying to grab my bearings.
Everything on the radio was pissing me off as I kept flying through the stations, giving each song a two-second opportunity to win me over before rejection.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I finally shut it off.
My phone started ringing. Glancing down, I saw that it was my mother.
With my heart still thundering against my chest, I answered, “Hey, Ma.”
The television seemed to be on in the background as she said, “You sound out of breath.”
I exhaled. “Yeah.”
“I had a strange feeling that something was wrong,” she said. “So I decided to call you and check in. Are you okay?”
Chills ran through me. She had a strange feeling? If that wasn’t creepy, I didn’t know what was. This night just kept getting weirder.
“You freaked me out just now,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“When you said you sensed something. Because I’m pretty sure I might have almost died. Either that, or I’m losing my mind.”
“What?” She sounded panicked. “What happened?”
“I’m fine. I didn’t mean to scare you, but I just averted a head-on collision. At least, I think I did. It happened so fast, I’m not sure if I overreacted, or if I was really in danger of getting hit. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. All I know is…I’m sweating like a motherfucker right now. Excuse my language.”
“Thank God you’re okay. You’ve been under too much stress.”
“I’ve always worked well under pressure. Not sure why all of a sudden it’s catching up with me.”
“Well, you just answered your own question. Everyone has a breaking point. You’re allowed for once in your life to lose it a little, son. But please be careful, and try not to drive when you’re tired if you can help it. I hope you learned your lesson.”
“You want to know the kicker? As this car was supposedly careening toward me, all I could think about was Gia.”
“Oh, Heath, what does that tell you?”
I sighed into the phone. “I know what I feel. I just don’t know if that’s enough.”
“The right decision will come to you, Heath. But you need to take care of yourself before you can think with a clear mind. It’s okay to be worrying about everyone else, but at some point you have to take care of your health, too. Look at what you’ve been through in just a matter of months. You fell in love for the first time in your life, found out she was pregnant, then found out the unimaginable about who the father of the baby is. Not to mention, the only real father figure in your life passed away, and your actual father was near death.”
Damn, when she put it like that, it sounded crazy as fuck. “Thanks for the reminder, Ma. Now I need a cigarette and a drink.”Once I arrived back at my place, the reality of what might have almost happened tonight hit me. I could have died. Then what? Who would look after Gia? That was a screwed-up thought to have when I hadn’t fully committed to her—to them. A part of me knew that even if I couldn’t go through with being a father to Elliott’s child, that I was going to protect them somehow, even if from afar. She felt like she needed to prepare for a life apart from me, but I would find a way to take care of them no matter what.
But what happens when she finds somebody else?
Because she will find somebody else. You gonna take care of her while she’s with someone? How does that make sense?
Fucking some other guy?
The mere thought of that scenario made me ill beyond comprehension.
I threw my keys down and opened my fridge. Nothing seemed appealing. Opening the freezer, I spotted an old carton of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey that had been left over from the last time Gia was here. That seemed like ages ago.
