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“I didn’t say that I believed you would bail. I just…can’t believe that you can say with one-hundred percent certainty that you know how you’ll feel until the baby is actually here.”
He looked so angry and frustrated with me for my lack of faith. “This is my fault,” he finally said. “It’s my fault that you’re still doubting us. I led you to believe I couldn’t handle any of this. And maybe it’s not fair of me to expect you to feel confident overnight. I’ve done nothing to really prove anything to you, except give you my word. Time is what we need. So fine…keep the apartment if it makes you feel safer. I’ll pay for it, and you can have it as a safety net. But you’re not going to need it.”
I straightened up against the headboard. “I’m not letting you pay.”
“Gia…this isn’t up for argument. You’re keeping it because of me, because I made you believe you needed to. I’m paying for the damn apartment.”The next afternoon, Rush and I packed a bunch of my things into the Benz and drove them to his house.
I waited in his bedroom as he brought the boxes inside one by one. As I looked around at the massive space and the ocean just outside the French doors, there was only one word to describe how I was feeling: undeserving.
Rush walked over to his closet and started pushing his clothes to one side. “I obviously wasn’t prepared for all of your stuff. But we’ll figure it out. I can move my shit to the downstairs closet if this is not enough room for you.”
“You shouldn’t have to move anything anywhere. This is your house.”
He stopped moving for a moment, then turned to me. “That’s where you’re wrong. As of today, it’s our house.”
He was now unpacking my ugly dolls one by one and placing them all in a row on the top shelf of his closet. Something about that touched me so much. To see my dolls taking permanent residence in Rush’s closet was a very emotional experience.
Rush could see that I was starting to tear up and stopped what he was doing. “You know what? Let’s forget about unpacking for a while. The sun’s about to go down. Let’s go chill outside and watch it.” He reached his hand out to help me off the bed. “Come on.”
Turns out, gazing at the sun setting over the ocean was just what the doctor ordered. My mood improved significantly with each minute that Rush and I sat out on his balcony and took in the salty air. The ocean was the best medicine, and I knew I’d be spending a lot of time out here in the coming weeks.
“I have an important question to ask you,” he said suddenly.
My heart was pounding. Please don’t let it be a marriage proposal. I could never accept that now. Not until the baby was born, and I knew things would be okay. I really didn’t think that was what it was, but my heart and mind were racing nevertheless.
I cleared my throat. “What is it?”
“You know…this place is beautiful…but it’s never really felt like home, because living alone never feels like home. It was just a house. And after I met you, it started to feel even emptier whenever I was here by myself. Because in contrast to how I feel when I’m with you, everything is empty. The only way this house could ever be a home is with you in it.”
I squeezed his hand. “Thank you.”
“Here’s the thing. This house could burn down tomorrow, right? Anything can happen in life. We just don’t know. I was up last night trying to figure out all of the ways I could convince you to trust in me, to believe that I don’t have any intention of walking away. And I came to the conclusion that I was approaching it the wrong way.”
“What do you mean?”
“To expect to be able to prove something a hundred percent is stupid. Even the smallest shred of doubt is still doubt. And it’s normal to have doubts, because there is always uncertainty in life. We live every day knowing that there’s a possibility we could die. Yet, we get up every day and do what we need to do anyway. Life shouldn’t be about constantly trying to prove that we’re safe from getting hurt. Life should be about living with uncertainty while we watch beautiful sunsets with the people we love.”
Man, that was beautiful, and it made so much sense. I was waiting for something I would never really get: certainty. I’d probably always fear losing Rush. It was something I had to learn to live with.
“So, my question to you, Gia, is this: will you be uncertain with me?”
It was amazing what a difference a new perspective could make.
