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As painful as it was for her, she needed it. Melinda has spent her adult life holding it all in, trying to look like the perfect wife and mother who can handle anything and everything. Most people never knew she was “handling” it by drinking as much as three bottles of wine a day.
“You’ve been sober for three weeks now,” I say to Joe. “How does that feel?”
“It’s good. It’s difficult, but I feel like I’m finally going in the right direction.” His voice breaks with emotion. “I miss my wife and kids. I can’t wait to get home to them. My wife’s been handling everything herself with some help from her folks. It’s hard not talking to them.”
“You’re here, putting in the effort and hard work that will allow you to be there for them for many years to come,” I remind him.
He nods, looking somber. “I’m dying to go back to them and scared at the same time. I’m afraid to fail. I’ve quit drinking so many times, and I always relapse. My wife told me this is my last chance.”
“Don’t set yourself up to fail, man,” Alexei says. “You gotta believe you can do this.”
“I want to.” Joe buries his face in his hands.
“You have more to focus on than just yourself once you go home, but you also have a lot of motivation,” I say. “If you have photos of your family in your wallet, take those out and look at them when you need to remind yourself what sobriety is worth to you.”
He nods, and I take a deep breath before diving into the main topic for our group session today. Only Alexei and I will know how ironic it is that I’m bringing it up.
“If you have a romantic partner and you get clean, you have to make a very important choice. Does that person support your new life? If you’re with someone who’s drinking or using, you’re setting yourself up to fall back into your old behavior.”
“My wife’s nothing like that,” Joe says. “She’s a saint.”
I nod in his direction. “Good. But…there will still be a lot of hard times ahead. The sober partner of an alcoholic may have resentment and trust issues. Sometimes they don’t even realize how dysfunctional things were until their partner gets clean. I very strongly encourage my single patients to remain single for at least nine months after getting clean, preferably a year. A romantic relationship often complicates things, and the first year of sobriety is statistically the hardest by far. But when you’re already in a relationship, you can’t just focus on yourself.”
Alexei clears his throat. “Uh…are you saying nine months without sex?”
My heart hammers just from hearing him say the word, but I keep my cool. “Ideally, yes.”
“Who is that ideal for?” His eyes are full of disbelief.
My personal and professional sides collide as I recall Alexei telling me he used to wake up in strange women’s beds on the regular when he was drinking. Inside, I’m burning with jealousy and longing.
“It’s best to keep your focus on your recovery,” I say smoothly. “Create new healthy habits and routines. That takes time. And like we’ve talked about, you don’t want to replace one addiction with another. Sex is an easy replacement, and it’s not a healthy one.”
He shakes his head. “Not always. Great sex with the right woman is good for body, mind and soul.”
I can’t quite put my finger on the way Alexei makes me feel when he says that. I’m annoyed that he affects me this way, and that he’s challenging me during group after he said he’d be all business here.
“And when is the last time you had sex with the right woman?” I ask him pointedly. “Or sex while sober?”
He shrugs and says, “It’s been a while.”
“Sex is part of your drinking routine,” I remind him. “You’ll want a new routine that supports your sobriety.”
“You could take up knitting instead,” Gia says, her tone laced with sarcasm. “That’s what Dr. Wells does when her girly parts start tingling.”
Alexei narrows his eyes at her. “Why are you such a raging bitch?”
There are a few seconds of silence as everyone takes in his question. I could intervene here, try to deescalate the tension, but I don’t. Alexei’s asking something I’d like to ask Gia myself, but I can’t.
She shrugs. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Too late,” he fires back.
Melinda jumps in. “You seem to have anger issues, Gia.”
“At least I’ve never murdered anyone.”
I’m on the verge of telling Gia to leave the session, but then I look at Melinda’s expression and I change my mind. She doesn’t look hurt or angry, but rather…resolved, which is new for her.
“The difference between you and I is that I accept responsibility for what I did,” Melinda tells Gia. “I’ll live with it every day for the rest of my life, like a thousand-pound boulder on my back. But you’re selfish, careless and mean. I’d rather be trapped in this room with a venomous snake than you.”
