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Rock stops in the doorway. “Ready, Heidi-girl?”
“Yeah.”
I glance at Teller. “I’m going to walk down with them. You cool?”
He nods. I still stop in the waiting room and ask Trinity to go sit with him while I’m downstairs.
“Rock, hold up,” I call out, jogging down the hall to catch up with them.
They stop and wait by the elevator.
“I can carry her if you want,” I offer. Heidi gives me a brief smile and lets me take Alexa. As if she knows how much trouble I’m having letting both of them go.
Hope and Rock make superficial small talk with Heidi. About her flight and what her plans are for the week. Crap that makes me want to yell, “Why are we all pretending like this is okay?”
The pressure in my chest only gets worse as I walk them out to the parking garage. “Hey, I have something for you. Let me go grab it?” I ask Heidi.
Rock takes Alexa from me, and I jog over to my truck. I dig out the bag and when I turn, Heidi’s standing behind me.
“Oh, you didn’t have to follow me over.”
“No. It’s okay. You’ll…I know you’ll take care of him, right?”
I almost want to tell her I’m scared shitless he’s going to have nothing to look forward to now. But, the last thing I want to do is heap a bunch of guilt on Heidi’s shoulders. Especially since I don’t think it will make her stay. “Of course I will. If you need anything, you know you can always call me, right?”
“I do. Thank you.” She nods at the bag. “What’s that?”
“Uh, here. Spur of the moment purchase.” Okay, that’s a total lie. I’d never been to a baby shop in my entire life before yesterday. “For Alexa. For the plane. You know to keep her busy.”
Her eyes widen as she takes the bag and pulls out the plushy lion. “It has a mirror and all these different textures on his paws.” I shrug, feeling a bit silly. “You know, stuff to keep her entertained,” I explain. Reaching over, I pull the other item out of the bag.
Heidi’s smile makes all this awkwardness worth it. “Keys?”
“Motorcycle and keys,” I correct, pointing at the loop full of colorful plastic keys.
“She’ll love them.” Her arms wrap around me and I hesitate before hugging her back. “Thank you, that was really sweet.”
Somehow saying good-bye feels worse than when I had to sit through her wedding, and I can’t pinpoint why.
After saying goodbye, I trudge back upstairs.
“You all right, bro?” Teller asks when I sit down next to his bed.
I don’t know what to say. We haven’t spoken about Heidi’s situation much, but Teller and I don’t lie to each other. “I hate that she had to go back.”
He doesn’t give me shit. “Me too.”
We don’t talk about much else until Hope comes in about an hour later. She looks as twisted up as I feel.
“What’s wrong, Hope?” Teller asks.
“Nothing.” She flashes a fake-as-fuck smile. Hope would be a terrible poker player. She can’t bluff worth a fuck.
“Rock dropped me off and ran up to the clubhouse.”
“Is he coming back, or do you need a ride?” I ask and she shrugs.
I stand and offer her the chair next to Teller’s bed. After taking it, she leans over and taps his hand. “How are you feeling?”
He rolls his eyes and pulls a half smile. “Come on, Hope. You ask me that like ten times a day. Tell me about my sister. She make it to the airport okay?”
“Yes. We waited until her plane took off. She promised to text me when she lands.”
I cock my head and stare her down until she fidgets. “Come on, something’s bothering you.”
She blows out an exasperated breath, and I fight the urge to shake the information out of her. Her gaze darts between me and Teller.
“Listen, she specifically asked me not to tell you two. You can’t say anything to her.”
Teller sits up, clearly agitated. “What’s going on, Hope?”
I drop into the chair on his other side and wait.
“She…” Hope hesitates, and I know it’s probably killing her to break a promise to Heidi. Hope’s usually locked up tight like a vault. “This morning she admitted how unhappy she is in Alaska.”
“Aw, fuck,” Teller mutters. “I knew it. Knew she wasn’t right.”
“Axel’s away working and she’s alone with the baby all the time…” Hope’s voice trails off. Teller and I share a look. My chest aches for Heidi. I know how much she hates being alone and cut off from family. She already spent so much time alone as a kid. Everyone abandoned her. Now, her husband’s doing the same damn thing. It pisses me off so much, I’d pound the shit out of Axel if I got ahold of him.
“That motherfucker. He promised me. Promised he’d take care of her,” Teller grinds out.
“He’s trying to take care of them the best way he knows how. Working and earning money,” Hope says. Although, by the look on her face, I don’t think defending Axel agrees with her.
“Fuck that. He didn’t need to drag her up to Alaska,” Teller snaps. “What about Penny? She any help?”
“Not really. Heidi made it sound like when the guys are away, Penny likes to go out and party. Heidi can’t do that with a baby at home.”
Teller curses. “She’s got people to help her here. Why didn’t you make her stay?”
Hope glares at him. “I can’t force her to do anything. She’s married now. I told her she needs to work on her marriage, maybe find a counselor.”
Teller’s making a fuck-that face similar to mine. The only “counseling” Axel needs is an ass kicking.
“I suggested she talk to Axel about changing his schedule.” Her mouth snaps shut after that.
“What else,” Teller demands.
“I can’t…she asked for my legal advice, so I can’t violate her trust more than I already have.”
Teller curses and I think about the implications of what Hope’s saying. They must have discussed Heidi’s options for divorce. It’s the only thing that makes any sense.
Holy shit.
Maybe deep down, there’s a part of me hoping Heidi chooses option B. Mostly though, I’m overwhelmed with how much I hate knowing Heidi’s alone and unhappy.
“I gave her my advice and told her I’m here if she needs me. What else could I do?”
Teller keeps glaring at her, so I’m the one who answers. “Nothing, Hope. You’re right.” I flick Teller’s side. “She’s a wife and mother now, bro. You can’t boss her around. She has to figure it out on her own.”
“Fuck that.” He slams his fist into his leg, making Hope jump. “I feel so fucking useless. I can’t do anything for her. I hate this.”
“That’s why she didn’t want me to say anything. She wants you to worry about getting better.”
Teller mutters a few more curses and Hope rolls her eyes. “She’s a smart girl. She’s capable. A good mother. But, they’re both so young. Newlyweds. A new baby. New job. A big move. Any one of those things would stress a couple out. All of them together?” She shakes her head. “That’s rough.”
“He treat her okay when he’s home at least?” Marcel asks.
“Yes,” Hope answers, a little too fast for my liking. “I specifically asked about that. I wouldn’t have let her go back if I thought he hurt either of them.” Marcel accepts her answer with a nod.
We don’t talk about much else after that. Dex and Swan show up with dinner.
“They let you in with that?” I ask, nodding at the bag Dex has.
“Sure.”
“You should have seen him sweet-talk the nurse into looking the other way,” Swan says, making Teller pull a half-smile.
“Come on, Hope. I’ll give you a ride home,” I say, holding my hand out for her. She leans over to give Teller a hug. Before she leaves, he grabs her hand and pulls her to him.
“Hey, I’m sorry I was being a dick. Thank you for lookin’ out fo
r her and being someone she can talk to.”
Her eyes well up, but she nods. “Of course.”
We’re silent as we walk down the hall, but once the elevator doors close, I turn and face Hope. “Tell me the truth. I saw your face when Teller asked if Axel’s treating her right.”
Her face pinches in anger and she puts her back against the elevator wall. “Listen, Murphy, I already feel horrible for the way I broke her trust back there. Don’t make me feel worse.”
“Hope, you had to tell us something like that.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t understand, Murphy. She broke down in tears this morning.” Hope’s eyes glisten and I reach out to wrap my arm around her. I’m gutted finding out Heidi’s so unhappy. “I feel so guilty for not doing more to stop their wedding,” she says miserably.
“What? Why?”
“You can’t tell Heidi I told you any of this. She’ll never trust me. And if she has no one to confide in, it will make things worse for her. You get that, right?”
“Yeah, Hope. I get it.”
“She let it slip before the wedding that Axel wasn’t happy about the baby. And now it sounds like they probably argue a lot and he’s no help with Alexa when he’s home.” Her fists ball up at her sides. “I should have said more and stopped her before the wedding—or convinced her not to go to Alaska. Rock and I tried to offer our guest room, but—”
The elevator dings and the doors open at the parking garage level. She shakes her head and pushes off the wall. “I hated sending her back. But I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Nothing you could do. She made her choice.” I feel like a bastard for saying that, but it’s the truth. Heidi made her choice when she married Axel. If she reaches out to me or needs my help, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.
Otherwise, as much as I hate it, she has to figure it out on her own.
Heavy doesn’t describe my heart as I board the plane to return to Alaska. The smile I forced at Hope probably didn’t fool her one bit. Especially after I unloaded all my misery on her back at the house.
As if she senses my unhappiness, Alexa fusses and cries while we’re waiting for the plane to take off. The woman in the seat across from us throws a lot of dirty looks my way.
Remembering Murphy’s sweet gifts, I dig them out of my bag. Alexa’s immediately fascinated by the plushy lion and ends up playing with it until we take off.
I’m tired but too anxious to sleep for most of the trip. Alexa’s good until the last half hour when she screams pretty much the entire time.
“I know, baby. You’ve already traveled an awful lot in your short life,” I coo to her, ignoring all the dirty looks and comments from the nearby passengers. They can fuck right off, it’s not like I want my baby to be miserable.
Right before we land, she falls asleep with her fingers wrapped tightly around my index finger.
As much as I hate Alaska, it’s a relief to be done traveling.
Except, no one meets us at the gate.
I text Axel. He has all our flight information. Where the hell is he?
We’re at the airport.
Nothing.
What the fuck?
Tired of waiting, I call Penny. “Is Axel home?”
“I don’t know. Where are you?”
“At the airport waiting for him.”
There are some muffled thumps in the background and more shuffling. Sounds like she’s banging on our apartment door.
“He’s not answering the door.”
“Shit.”
“Do you want me to come get you?”
“Do you mind?”
“No. I’m leaving right now.”
“Thanks, Penny.”
We hang up and I drop down onto one of the benches. I don’t know whether to be pissed or worried.
Are you okay?
Nothing.
Penny’s coming to get us.
A half hour later, Alexa’s had her fill of airports, traveling, and life in general. She lets a scream rip and nothing I say or do calms her down this time.
“I feel you, baby.”
I’m trying to comfort my daughter, but inside I’m seven years old again. Waiting for someone to pick me up from school. Hoping someone remembers I even exist.
I jump up the second I spot Penny’s car, so damn happy to leave the airport I almost cry.
“I called Lucas. They’re on opposite weeks now, but he said Axel left for home yesterday.”
“That’s what I thought.”
Penny helps me drag all my stuff upstairs and waits while I go inside to set Alexa in her crib.
The sound of the shower draws me to the bathroom. “Axel?”
Pushing open the door, I find him under the spray. “Uh, we’re home.”
“Hey, babe. I’ll be right out.”
I’m so angry, I turn and walk out of the bathroom without responding.
“He’s here,” I say to Penny. She gives me a curious look but waves and shuts the door behind her.
Work on your marriage. Strangling your husband does not count as working on your marriage.
Axel strolls into the living room dressed in shorts, damp hair dripping everywhere.
“Where were you?” I ask as calmly as I can.
“I’m sorry. I got home and crashed. By the time I saw your texts, you said Penny was coming to get you, so I thought I should stay put.”
Is he serious?
“A nap was more important than picking up your wife and baby from the airport?”
“Hey, I didn’t want you going by yourself in the first place.”
“Well, instead of taking an extra shift, you could have flown down.”
“You didn’t need me in the way. And we could use the extra money.”
He hasn’t even asked about my brother. Or his daughter. I’m so frustrated and plain sad.
Am I the one being unreasonable?
“I’m exhausted.”
“It’s two in the afternoon.”
“Yeah, but I’ve been up since sunrise, New York time.”
I push past him and check on the baby. She’s out, thankfully, which means I should get some rest while I can. Obviously, I can’t trust Axel to be of any help.
The TV comes on in the living room and I shake my head.
Welcome home, Heidi.
Even though I feel Heidi needs to work stuff out on her own, it doesn’t mean she’s not on my mind.
The next morning as I’m on my way to work, a flash of silver on the passenger side catches my eye. When I pull into the parking lot behind the gym, I reach over and grab what turns out to be Heidi’s hairbrush.
A fucking hairbrush has stolen my breath. I can’t stop picturing her sitting next to me, brushing her hair and throwing it in a ponytail every morning on the way to the hospital. At the time, I’d teased her about leaving all her girly crap in my truck. Now, I reach over, flick the glove compartment open and smile when I find her lip gloss, a pile of hair ties, and one of Alexa’s rattles.
The pain of missing both of them hits me. Hard.
I’m sitting there staring out the windshield but not seeing anything in front of me. Slowly, the picnic bench where she and I sat a little over a year ago and planned a spring break road trip, comes into focus.
The hollow, lonely ache in my chest expands. The pain that has only ever gone away when I’m with Heidi.
I grab my cell phone.
My thumb hovers over Heidi’s number.
I should check to make sure she got home all right.
At least that’s what I tell myself.
“Blake?” she answers on the third ring.
“Hey, kid. Get home safe?”
She hesitates, and I hate how far away she is. Hate that I can’t see her face. Hate that I can’t do a damn thing to make things easier for her.
“Yeah.”
“How’d Alexa do on the plane?”
Something like a sob or a sniffle comes over the line. “H
eidi? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Alexa? She was pretty cranky at first. She loved the lion, though. It kept her busy for a while.”
“No one gave you shit, did they?”
“Just the usual dirty looks a teen mom gets.”
“Heidi—”
“How’s my brother?”
“Misses you.” As soon as I say the words, I wish I could take them back. I didn’t call to make her feel guilty.
She sighs, such a sad sound, it makes the pain in my chest even worse. “I wish—I should have—never mind.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m still tired.”
“I didn’t wake you did I?”
She snorts softly into the phone. “No.”
I feel guilty knowing stuff about her that she told Hope in confidence. It makes this call so much harder. I want to tell her to come home. Not for selfish reasons. For her. So she’s not alone all the damn time. “Axel pick you up at the airport?”
“No. Penny did.”
“Oh.” Not your business. Leave it alone.
“I should go—”
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Just happy you made it home safe.”
“Thank you.”
I hope my call made her feel a little better, because as we hang up, I feel a thousand times worse.
At my request, Axel changes his shifts so we can have two weeks together. He’s not interested in counseling, but after I mention it, he makes more of an effort. He takes me to some of the parks I’ve wanted to visit but was afraid to navigate alone with the baby. He spends more time with Alexa and seems less confused by her.
He doesn’t ask me about my visit home, and it bothers me. I lost a friend. My brother’s paralyzed and might not walk again. But, my husband doesn’t seem to care about that part of our lives any more. I’m tired of arguing, so I don’t say anything. But his indifference stings.
After he goes back to work, I think I might try counseling on my own. Someone who can help me figure out what the fuck to do. Is this normal? Does this happen to couples so soon after getting married?
Gradually things improve. Marcel lets me know when he moves into the rehab facility. He hates it, of course. Axel finally asks about my trip and holds me when I burst into tears over Mariella’s funeral.
