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His mouth twists down, and he won’t meet my eyes. “I don’t want to do this now, Heidi.”
“Do what?”
“I’m glad you’re moving on. You should.” He swallows hard. “How’s Alexa?”
“She’s great.” Since he asked, I don’t feel bad about whipping out my phone and sharing a few pictures with him. Lucas had been sweet to me when I’d been pregnant and cheered me up many times after Axel made me feel so shitty.
Those memories yawn and shake themselves awake. As much as I’ve tried to bury some of the worst moments, they won’t die. All the anger and hurt from what should’ve been a happy time come tumbling back.
He finally meets my eyes. “She’s beautiful. I’m glad you…have her.”
“Don’t know what I’d do without her.” I accept my phone from him and slip it into my bag.
“I remember how pissed Axel was,” Lucas says almost casually. “We fought about it a few times.”
There’s a buzzing in my ears that drowns out his words for a second. “What?” Why is Lucas doing this now? Maybe he’s not as healthy as he looks. “I thought you said he loved us?” I whisper.
He seems to snap out of his fog. “He did. In his weird way. More like you were pretty objects he owned and liked to brag about than—”
I spring out of my seat, knocking my chair back a few inches. “What the fuck, Lucas?”
Tears sting my eyes. Not because his words hurt. But because they validate the worst feelings I had right before Axel died.
Realizing people are staring at us, I sit down and lean over the table.
“Axel was your best friend.” My whisper comes out rough and laced with pain. “Why are you saying this? Just because I’m getting remarried doesn’t mean I want to hear awful stuff about Axel.”
He nods slowly. “It’s more comfortable to live with the lies, isn’t it?”
So many painful truths wrap around my throat, threatening to choke me. My instincts say to run from this awful conversation. My body stays rooted in place. I owe Lucas…something, just not pieces of my soul or my memories.
We stare at each other for a few minutes. Neither of us speaking.
“You ever talk to Penny?” he finally asks.
Talk to her? Shit, I’ve barely even thought about Penny in months. “I tried contacting her once or twice before we left Alaska, but after the way she dumped you,” I gesture at his cane, “I didn’t see the point.”
He sighs. “I wish I’d moved on as easily.”
“Why, what happened?” It’s not bad enough Penny cheated on Lucas then left him when he was in the hospital. Did she do something else to kick him when he was down?
“When I got out of the hospital and was back on my feet…sort of.” He smirks. “I made the mistake of trying to get back together with her.”
“Shit, why, Lucas? That was cold the way she left—”
“I’m an idiot, that’s why,” he snaps.
Not sure why I need to hear about his failed attempt to win Penny back, I take a sip of my coffee and let him continue. Guilt invades my thoughts because I knew Penny cheated on him but never found the time or guts to tell him. Plus, she was my friend, and I didn’t know exactly what was going on.
Lame excuses. All of them.
He circles his fingers in front of the scarred part of his face. “She didn’t leave me because of this. Well, that’s probably a big part of it, too.”
“She cheated on you,” I say quietly. A statement. Not a question.
He cocks his head. “There were others?”
“Others?” Then it hits me what he’s implying.
Axel and Penny?
No way. I sit back in my chair with a thump.
Axel was a jerk toward the end of our marriage…okay, before we got married, too. Basically, from the time we found out I was pregnant until he died, with a few sweet moments peppered in between all the angst.
“You know she had it bad for Axel in high school, right?” he asks. “I used to think she only settled for me to get closer to him.”
“Don’t say that.”
Penny had been jealous when Axel and I started dating, no doubt. I never gave it a lot of thought back then. I had more important things to worry about. Like getting out of my grandmother’s house. Or, if I would ever rise above the shitty legacy my mother left for me. Dealing with my feelings about Murphy. Petty high school girl jealousy wasn’t high on my list of concerns.
“It only happened ‘once’ according to Penny.” He shrugs. “She didn’t give me a lot of other details. Thank fuck.”
This can’t be true. Not Axel. We had problems, sure, but he wouldn’t…would he? My world and everything I thought I knew cracks at the edges, promising to pull me into an abyss of doubt and shame.
“When?” Not that it matters, but I have a sinking suspicion that I already know the answer.
“When you went home to see your brother in the hospital.” He shrugs again. “He was convinced you went home to be with Murphy. I tried telling him he was an asshole for not going with you.”
I slam my coffee on the table hard enough that it sloshes over the edge forming a small, sad puddle. “My brother was paralyzed, and no one knew if he’d ever walk again. The last thing on my mind was hooking up with anyone.”
“Jesus, Heidi. He didn’t tell me it was that bad.”
“A friend of mine died in that accident, and my brother almost did, too. I didn’t come home to fuck around. My family needed me.”
“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Marcel’s fine now, but it took a while.” Thank God for Charlotte, who pulled my brother out of his remaining misery. I have a sudden urge to stop by the house and hug the crap out of her after this conversation.
Tears of frustration run down my cheeks. “I wouldn’t have done that. We had a child together. God dammit. I went back to Alaska with every intention of trying to make things work between us.” I focus on Lucas. “Until he dropped the bomb on me that he was planning to stay with the company and maybe move us farther away.”
Lucas bites his lip and looks out the window. “That’s my fault. If I’d known the extent of what an asshole he was, I wouldn’t have bothered.” He reaches over and puts his hand over mine. “I really thought I was helping you guys by getting him the job, Heidi. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” I squeeze his hand back. “We weren’t right for each other. I knew it but didn’t want to accept the truth after I got pregnant.”
“Did Penny…with other guys, too?” he asks so miserably I’m tempted to give him a delicate white lie in response.
But I think we’ve both swallowed down enough of those over the last few years.
“I saw a few guys at your place. Heard…a lot through those thin walls.”
He flexes his jaw and looks away.
“When you guys left for your weeks on the ship, she always wanted to go out clubbing or whatever.” I glance down and blot at the spilled coffee with a napkin. “I was never much of a party girl, and I had a baby at home, so I didn’t go with her. Don’t know who she hung out with.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know why I’m so surprised.”
“I’m sorry I never said anything. I didn’t know what to say.”
“I don’t blame you. I shouldn’t have been so fucking blind when it came to her.”
I snort. “Guess we were both blind.”
Sadness fills his eyes. “I shouldn’t have told you. I’m so sorry. It’s like I needed someone to share the misery with and you’re the only one who would understand.”
He’s not wrong. I’m not sure who else I would talk to about Axel’s betrayal.
“It was petty of me and unnecessary,” he continues, “Unfair. He’s not here to defend himself.”
“Not sure what Penny would’ve gained by lying to you about a fling with Axel.”
He nods. “That’s why she wouldn’t call you back. Said she felt too guilt
y after he died to talk to you.”
I snort. “Surprised she’s capable of that emotion.”
“I’ve been so fucking angry since I found out.” He curls his hands into fists. “I almost called you a few times, but it seemed like such a shitty thing to do. But then seeing you today. It seemed like some sort of sign.”
Some sign. “It’s fine, Lucas. I’d rather know than not, I think.” I drum my fingers against the table a few times working out the thoughts in my head. “I’ve felt so guilty. The closer the wedding gets, you know? In a way, this helps me. Thank you.”
He doesn’t seem convinced, and since I’m feeling pretty deflated at the moment, I don’t have it in me to come up with any convincing platitudes.
We finish our coffees in silence.
Outside, I give him a quick hug and a vague promise to call.
Inside the cocoon of my car, tears rain over my cheeks. Sadness I’ve probably bottled up for too long breaks free. Sorrow for all the times I’ve felt unloved, unwanted, abandoned and unworthy in my life overwhelms me.
It shouldn’t matter now.
Blake has shown me over and over that I’m more than enough and all he wants.
I try so hard to be a good mother so that Alexa never doubts herself the way I do. She’s surrounded by strong role models and honorable men who will always love and protect her.
A few final tears fall, and I swipe them off my face.
My mind won’t stop turning over my conversation with Lucas.
As badly as I want to get home, I need to make one more stop.
