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He just sits there, looking at me, his eyes glazing over with something that resembles guilt. Or is it apology? I don’t know what it is, but the longer the silence stretches out between us, and each second that passes without him giving any sort of explanation, I start to second-guess myself.
Did I do something wrong?
Have things between us gone too fast?
Does he regret it? Does he regret me?
That last question chokes the breath out of me, wrapping its persistent hands around my throat and urging tears to prick my eyes.
“What’s happening right now?” I whisper, my voice so tiny. “Did I… Do you…” I pause, unable to even get the words out.
“Ava.” He says my name, immediately shaking his head. “No. Don’t you dare try to make yourself feel like you’ve done something wrong.”
“But if it’s not me, then what is it?” I ask, and in that moment, all of my worst fears fill up my mind.
Maybe he’s realized that this isn’t what he wants, that I’m not what he wants.
Maybe he just wants to be friends with me.
Maybe—
“Ava, there’s something I need to tell you.”
He has something to tell me. On the surface, those words sound so simple. But somehow, they are a finger on the trigger, quickly pulling back and firing the ultimate emotional blow.
Do not cry. Don’t you dare get all emotional and dramatic and cry.
“Okay,” I say, but I shut my eyes closed tight, using my lids as a dam against my tears.
“I got in.”
My eyes pop open, and I search his cautious gaze for more.
“NASA selected me for the program,” he adds, but his voice is so quiet, so…not at all how I’d expect it to be when he’s telling me this life-changing, he-just-achieved-all-of-his-dreams news.
I just stare at him for the longest moment, trying to understand why he looks like he just read off an obituary, instead of telling me what should be the greatest success of his life.
A sigh escapes his lungs, and he fixates his gaze on the carpet.
“Luke?” I walk over toward him until my knees bump against his. “Why do I get the sense there’s more to this than what you’re saying?” I question. “Because this is really huge, unbelievably fantastic news, but you’re acting like it’s not.”
“Because I’ve known about it for a while.” He sighs again and reaches out to grip my hips with his fingers, his gaze eventually lifting to meet mine.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve known since November.”
“November?” I question.
“I got the call on November 17th.”
My mind reels. “You’ve known that long, and you didn’t tell me?”
“I’m so sorry, Ava.”
“But why…?” I question and glance around the room in confusion. “I don’t understand. We always tell each other everything. We’re each other’s biggest fans, Luke,” I challenge. “Why on earth wouldn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to. I did. I just didn’t want to ruin… I didn’t want to turn good news sour.”
Tears burn in my nose with deep, real hurt. Somehow, somewhere, I must have gone really wrong in our friendship if Luke thought sharing the best accomplishment of his life with me would turn it bad.
I try to clear my head and focus on the details. “When does the program start?”
“January 5th.”
My stomach drops out and my head spins, and all of a sudden, I feel like breathing is an incredibly difficult thing to achieve. “Th-that soon?”
“Ava, I’m so sorry,” he says and stands up to move closer to me. When he tries to wrap his arms around my shoulders, I back away. My emotions and thoughts are too scattered and intense to be able to handle such close proximity.
“Don’t,” I whisper and hold up both of my hands. “Just…don’t.”
“I know I should’ve told you sooner. Fuck, I wanted to tell you sooner, but every damn time I tried, I just couldn’t do it.”
A civil war erupts inside my body, my mind and my heart completely at odds and battling each other for the win.
Rationally, I know I should be happy for him. Like, really fucking happy for him. And I should be congratulating him and telling him how proud I am of him.
But it’s really hard to do that when he’s known since November that he got accepted into the program, and he didn’t tell me. He’s known since November that he’ll be leaving New York and moving across the fucking country.
He’s known since before he offered to play the role of my boyfriend.
He’s known since before he came to Vermont with me.
He’s known since before he kissed me.
Before he touched me.
Before he slid inside me for the first time. And the second time.
He’s known this whole time, and he still let me fall for him in a way that I don’t know how I’m going to stand a life without him.
Yet, that’s what I’m going to have to imagine.
