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Official Shepherd Oliver: Or you could just scroll up and look at the ten thousand messages you’ve sent me over the last few months since we started talking again. You’re very needy.
Wren Bennett: Who messaged me two nights ago from the grocery store because he couldn’t decide between mint chocolate chip or cookie dough ice cream? Oh, that’s right. NOT you, because you’re a troll pretending to be Shepherd Oliver. BYE.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Your family owns one of the best ice cream stands in the entire world. When I am having an ice cream crisis, of COURSE I’m going to message the ice cream queen. And might I remind you that your lack of an immediate response during my crisis caused me to get recognized by a fan? I had to put up with seven selfies all with different filters in the goddamn freezer section and was so annoyed by that point I ended up putting sherbet in my cart. Sherbet is where ice cream goes to die, Wren.
Wren Bennett: A troll could easily google that information about me. Not good enough, TROLL.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Fine. Something only the real Shepherd Oliver would know? Okay then, after exactly 3.5 vodka slushes, you think you can sing and like to send videos of yourself doing so at two in the morning. #itsoundslikeaherdofcatsdying #dontquityourdayjob
Wren Bennett: It was ONE video two nights ago, and you know I didn’t mean to send it to you. It was supposed to go to my sister to cheer her up. You are the worst. I swear to God you better have deleted that video.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Of course I deleted it! Speaking of your sister, I see Birdie is still rage posting on social media about people showing their true colors. Her best friend still hasn’t spoken to her?
Wren Bennett: Nope. Not a word in months. I feel so bad for her, but I don’t know what else to do.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I remember meeting Palmer Campbell with you guys a few times back in high school. He seemed like a cool guy, and he’s definitely a badass on the golf course. You’re a good sister. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure they’ll work it out.
Wren Bennett: Yeah, you’re probably right. They’ll work things out eventually. Anyway, what was the important question you had for me?
Official Shepherd Oliver: *video attachment*
Official Shepherd Oliver: My question is, when you play this video, do the island dogs start howling and do the windows in your cottage start breaking?
Wren Bennett: I hate you so much right now. You said you deleted it!
Official Shepherd Oliver: My fingers were crossed when I typed that.Wren Bennett: If you had to pick between the Devils or the Warhawks for a baseball travel team to play on, which would you choose?
Official Shepherd Oliver: I played for the Warhawks. It’s pricier but in my opinion worth the extra money. Your son will get a lot more one-on-one training during practice with them than he will with the Devils. And the Warhawks offset the costs of the tournaments you’ll play with a lot of fundraising, so in the end, you most likely won’t even pay tournament fees. When you take Owen to tryouts, ask for Brian Riggle and tell him I sent you. He’s in charge of Owen’s age group.
Wren Bennett: THANK YOU!
Official Shepherd Oliver: I’m at the airport now getting ready to board a plane to Houston for a game, but as soon as I get to the hotel, I’ll send you a few YouTube videos of some training drills he can do to get ready for tryouts.Official Shepherd Oliver: Help me. I’m dying.
Wren Bennett: Are you being overdramatic, or do I actually need to call 911?
Official Shepherd Oliver: When am I ever overdramatic?
Wren Bennett: You sent me an audio clip of nothing but you screaming the other day when I told you no.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I asked you if you’ve watched me play on TV yet. What response was expected after an answer so flippant and appalling?
Wren Bennett: I’m a little busy at work right now. You want to get to the point of this message anytime soon?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Hey, I didn’t tell you to slack off and check social media during work hours. Anyway, no big deal, just hiding out in the men’s room at a club in L.A., and I’m pretty sure someone is receiving oral pleasures a few stalls down, and now I can’t leave or they’ll know I’m in here and it will be really awkward.
Wren Bennett: Are you… going to the bathroom right now??????
Official Shepherd Oliver: No!
Official Shepherd Oliver: Also, possibly yes.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Look, this isn’t about me right now. Let’s focus on what’s important. I’m at a stupid club opening for a friend of a friend, and I only showed up, because David Beckham said he’d never speak to me again if I didn’t, and then my dad would never speak to me again if he stopped getting free soccer tickets. Now that the photo ops are over and there’s no more free food being passed around (best goddamn crab cakes I’ve had in my LIFE, and the waiter told me it was because they use fresh dill), I’m bored as hell, so I’ve been hiding out in the bathroom playing Solitaire on my phone and was just about to beat my top score when two people came in here thinking the bathroom was empty. I can’t concentrate on my card game with all this moaning and slurping.
