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Me: Eat. Shit.
Bodhi: Love you too, sweetie. See you when you get home. I’ll be the one naked by the tree, wearing just a pair of pointy elf ears.
Bodhi: FYI, it’s for our Christmas card next year.CHAPTER 2“Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.”(310) 867-5309: Hey, Millie! Sorry it’s been so long, but I need your help with something pretty important.
Millie: OMG, I told you that you are not allowed to text me.
(310) 867-5309: Seriously, Millie? Wait… did you check into rehab again just because you like the coffee? You know they take your phone away every time, and you always get in trouble for sneaking it out of lock-up.
Millie: First of all, I didn’t check into rehab those three times. I was there visiting Ben Affleck, and he was just so sad and lonely that I decided to stay for a few weeks. And they really do have the best coffee. Anyway, why are you texting me? It was one night. You have GOT to get over me already.
(310) 867-5309: Well, this is certainly fun! Who exactly do you think this is?
Millie: The guy I fucked in Mykonos?
(310) 867-5309: Um, definitely not.
Millie: The guy I fucked in Palm Springs?
(310) 867-5309: Negative, Ghost Rider.
Millie: The guy I fucked in the Prada dressing room on Rodeo Drive?
(310) 867-5309: We’re gonna be here a while, aren’t we? Man, you go six months without talking to someone you’ve been friends with FOREVER, and they forget who you are. How about a hint? You were with me the first time I did mushrooms, and I threw up on your Louboutins.
Millie: Frankie Muniz? Michael Bublé? Steve Guttenberg? Either of the Olsen twins? Honestly, that’s the worst hint EVER.
(310) 867-5309: Okay, how about… I just got in some new strains you might enjoy—Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer, Merry Kushmas, It’s a Weederful Life, and Winter Bowlstice.
Millie: BODHI!!! My sweet, wonderful friend! Sorry for all the confusion. I just got a new cell phone due to a tiny stalker sitch and lost all my contacts.
Bodhi: Stalker?! Are you okay?
Millie: It’s totally cool. It’s like, the third one this month. I’m so bored with their lack of imagination and follow-through. I get it. You want me to die. And yet, where are you? Certainly not outside my house where I left you a lovely charcuterie that went to waste. Anyway, where have you been?! You fell off the face of the earth after that football player you worked for threw his soccer ball in the water.
Bodhi: It was a golfer and… never mind. I’m outstanding. Better than outstanding, actually, and that’s why I’m texting you. I’m in love, Millie. I’m in love, and she’s perfect, and my woman needs a break, and I need to get her away from here for a few days so I can try proposing again, and hopefully she won’t tell me to fuck off again.
Millie: OMG I love her already! Bring her to me. Bring her to me right this instant so we can go to lunch, and go shopping, and get facials, and be BFFs forever!
Bodhi: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. As much as I love you, I haven’t been back to L.A. in twelve years, and I’m definitely not gonna come back now. And also, Tess is a little… high strung lately. She needs quiet and calm and anything flammable kept a good distance away from her unless she’s safely outside. I was wondering if you’re still friends with Allie Parker and if she’s still with that guy whose family owns the bed and breakfast you told me about last Christmas.
Millie: That is exactly what I’m saying! I’m at The Redinger House right now helping out, and you HAVE to come! Jason’s parents went on vacation for the first time ever and left Allie and him in charge. And it’s Allie Redinger now. She got married to Jason over the summer, and OMG I was just stunning in the bridesmaid dress I had Vera Wang whip up for me. I haven’t noticed, but according to Allie, it’s a little busy here right now, but it’s fine. I’ll just cancel someone’s reservation.
Bodhi: What? No! Don’t do that! It’s the week before Christmas!
Millie: Done! I cancelled Mr. and Mrs. Carter Ellis. They sound like hideous people anyway. I’m texting you the address now. Bring the Merry Kushmas with you, and I’ll include a free bottle of champagne and your own personal butler. I’m pretty sure I’m authorized to do that.
Millie: And don’t be scared by the West Virginia address. They actually do have indoor plumbing and electricity! I know. It shocked me too. You will have to bring your own wine sommelier, however.CHAPTER 3Bodhi
“Oh deer.”“Do not ring that Santa bell again!”
“Get that out of your mouth! We do not eat Christmas ornaments.”
“No-no, don’t touch the animated Mrs. Claus! We look at the animated Mrs. Claus; we do not touch it.”
