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“Do you want me to tackle him or something?”
“Nah, thanks, Jason. He’ll tire himself out and stop screaming and running in circles eventually. It’s best to just let him come down on his own from the sugar high.”
“I didn’t think he’d actually eat Barb and Eugene’s entire house when you guys lost the gingerbread competition.”
“He’s very dedicated to my happiness that way.”
“Okay, well, the trolley leaves in about five minutes to drive around to the other side of the mountain and look at lights, where we’ll stop so everyone can get off and do some shopping or grab something to eat, so just let me know if—Wow, that had to hurt! Just decided to trip him, huh?”
“Yeah, the screaming was getting annoying. You okay, honey? It’s time to go look at lights. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”“Hi, I’m Dawn! Which one is yours? Mine’s the five-year-old in the caboose with the Frosty the Snowman sweater. Hi, sweetie, wave to mommy! Don’t you look so cute riding the little Christmas train!”
“Well, isn’t he an adorable little shit? Mine’s the thirty-four-year-old sitting next to him with his knees up around his ears, wearing the T-shirt with the red-and-green bongs on it that says The tree isn’t the only thing getting lit this year. Bodhi, stop hogging the train bell and let the other little kids at the mall have a turn!”
“They… they grow up so fast.”
“They certainly do, Dawn. No! Get that out of your mouth right now! Thank God he’s old enough that I can beat him, am I right?”
“I’m just gonna go stand… somewhere else.”
“That’s probably for the best.”“You’re making a scene.”
“I’m not making a scene. He’s making a scene.”
“He’s ten, and he’s waiting in line to see Santa.”
“Yeah, well so am I, and he cut, and I’ve been waiting a hell of a lot longer to see Santa than he has!”
“Did you seriously just stick your tongue out at a child?”
“He started it.”
“…”
“…”
“I’m sorry. I’ll behave. I’m just so freaking excited to see Santa, and I can’t believe you brought me to see him! This is the best day ever, and you are the best girlfriend ever! Can we get hot chocolate after this with extra mini marshmallows and sprinkles?”
“We can do whatever you want after this, as long as you stop putting your middle finger up behind your back every time you turn away from that kid, like I don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Whatever… I see Santa after him. I’ll just tell the big guy he’s a mean little shit and should only get coal. He’s gonna feel like such a chump for cutting when he gets nothing for Christmas.”“You’re going to let me do this? In public?”
“Bodhi, will you stop making such a big deal about it and just do it already?”
“But like, it’s the first time you’re letting me do this while there are people around! You’ve been telling me for six months that it’s not an all-the-time thing because it’s too painful, and we have to save it for special occasions like on my birthday, and now you’re telling me you want to do it right now? In front of people?”
“You’re being really weird about something you beg me for constantly. It’s not like anyone will see us. It’s dark in here, and they’re all busy. And this is a special occasion, so now I’m letting you do whatever you want while you’re back there.”
“That’s so fucking hot, you know that?”
“Just shut up and do it already.”
“All right then, roll onto your side and brace yourself. I’m jumping on that couch behind you, I’m gonna wrap my arms around you, and then I’m gonna snuggle the shit out of you while we watch this Christmas movie in the barn with the rest of the guests.”
“Couldn’t they have at least picked something fun, like Krampus, with more bloodshed? Why do they have to torture me with White Christmas? There’s so much singing.”
“Shhh, just lie there like a good girl, and it will be over soon.”
“Isn’t that the same thing you said to me the first time we tried anal?”
“Ha ha, you’re hilarious. Seriously. Pipe down and let me enjoy cuddling you in public.”“…I smile down at her and speak the words I’ve never said out loud my entire life. ‘Merry Christmas, Noel.’ The end.”
“Oh my God, that was the best Christmas romance we’ve read yet this year. I’m definitely glad I packed that one. You’re getting so much better at doing all the voices when you read, Tess. I’m so proud.”
“That was the dumbest book we’ve ever read with the dumbest title.”
“Come on, The Stocking Was Hung is punny and festive.”
“It’s ridiculous, and so was that book.”
“There is nothing ridiculous about a blowjob in Santa’s workshop. I knew we were forgetting something when we were at the mall earlier.”
