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“Oh… my… God,” he whispers, his eyes getting huge, and I’m pretty sure I see them filling up with tears. “That’s the biggest Santa bong I have ever seen in my life.”
First item on Bodhi’s Best Christmas Ever List of Necessities: The biggest Santa bong I’ve ever seen in my life.
Standing around fifteen inches tall by ten inches wide in the middle of the coffee table really is the biggest glass bong shaped like a big fat Santa—with the glass bowl piece protruding from his big belly—that anyone’s probably ever seen in their life. I have no idea how Millie found this thing, and I don’t care. I’m just glad she agreed to help me two nights ago when I gave her that list. Even though I barely got any sleep the last two nights, because I guess nighttime is when Millie works best and she kept texting me with questions, it was worth the sleepless nights just to see the look on Bodhi’s face right now.
“I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes.” Bodhi smiles happily, leaning forward to grab the bong.
“No, not yet.” I stop him with a hand on his arm. “Your surprise isn’t finished yet.”
“I do not understand the words coming out of your mouth. Santa bong,” Bodhi mumbles, not even looking at me as he leans toward to the coffee table with both of his arms stretched out in front of him.
“Seriously, you just have to wait like, ten minutes,” I tell him, pushing his arms back down.
“Mine. Gimme.”
Bodhi keeps reaching for the bong, and I keep pushing his arms down, until eventually I have to grab a blanket from the back of the couch and toss it over the bong so it’s no longer in sight.
“Jesus, I knew I should have made that the last surprise. Now you won’t care about anything else. Millie! Hurry up!” I shout to where I know she’s hiding in the foyer, waiting for my signal for the next surprise.
As soon as Bodhi turns toward the foyer to see what’s going on, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” starts blasting through the loudest Bluetooth speaker ever, definitely waking up the rest of the house.
“There was a slight snafu after we last spoke!” Millie shouts around the music as she peeks her head in the room from the foyer, a few guests wandering in from the dining room to see what all the noise is about. “Just… embrace the change and feel the Christmas spirit! But especially feel that third one’s ass!”
She disappears, we hear the front door opening, and then…
“Well, this is unexpected, and yet… oddly arousing. Hey, boys!” Bodhi happily greets the single-file line of men with a wave, who come dancing into the living room. Each one looking like an extra from Magic Mike, wearing nothing but Santa hats and red, glittery Speedos.
“I know it was supposed to be ladies, but you have no idea how hard it is to get female strippers on such short notice this time of year!” Millie shouts over Mariah Carey’s voice as she shimmies her body right along with one of the nine exotic male dancers.
“I didn’t say strippers. I said ladies dancing!” I yell back over the music while I try not to vomit in my mouth as one greasy, gyrating, sexy Santa starts hip-thrusting two inches away from me.
Bodhi is cheering and pulling dollar bills out of his wallet as a group of male strippers twerk and dance around him, so I guess the snafu worked, considering I fudged a little on one of the items on the list too.
Second and third items on Bodhi’s Best Christmas Ever List of Necessities: Nine kickass ladies dancing, and to be serenaded by Mariah Carey singing her number one Christmas hit.
In Millie’s defense, she did offer to send Mariah a text, even though they had a falling out a few years ago when Millie said she “accidentally” made out with Nick at the Kid’s Choice Awards. Sweet of her, really. I kind of have to forgive the male strippers, even though I specifically told her to contact the local high school dance team for some family-friendly, fully clothed dancers.
Gingerly tiptoeing my way through the living room with my arms high above my head so I don’t touch any of the half-naked, greased-up men air thrusting their hips to the music, I get to the tree in the corner of the room and grab the heavy, large box with the bottom and top wrapped separately in Christmas paper that Millie put there for me. Carefully hefting it in my arms so the gift inside doesn’t topple over, I walk back to Bodhi in the middle of the room right when he runs out of dollar bills and slides his wallet back in his shorts.
