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“Yeah,” she whispers. “Have a good sleep.”
“Are you going to be able to sleep now?”
She starts chewing on her bottom lip, more uncertain than ever. “I don’t know.”
“Neither do I.”
“Well, have fun tossing and turning and churning over all the bullshit that is piling up. I’m going to do the same.”
That makes me smile and want to laugh. I think my lips are turning up because Feeney’s do too. Maybe smiles are like yawns—slightly contagious.
“Goodnight, then.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
She lets me walk out and close her door without any lectures about the creeping, being weird on her floor, or any of it.
She’s too nice. But Feeney’s right. Despite everything I thought about her, despite how she was raised, despite being super-rich, she turned out fine and normal like everyone else. Wait, no, not normal, and also not like everyone else. She’s way too nice to be like everyone else. She has a huge heart that she’s not afraid to let show, which is why she was hurt and used in the past. Because all assholes, like me, are attracted to that. We want the best parts of her to fix the worst parts of us.
I’m no better than any of those assholes out there who hurt her before because I’m lying to her and using her too. At least, I was, but then again, I’m still lying though I’m not using her. I don’t want to use her. That part is over. It was never really part of the bargain.
Fuck me. I just wanted someone there for Shade—someone permanent who would love him as his mother would have. I didn’t want anything for myself. I thought I could somehow make it work, but I should have known better. I should have known I’d want just a fraction of something good for me too. Not just for Shade.
All this just proves I am the world’s biggest idiot.CHAPTER 15FeeneyI’m confused. But I shouldn’t be confused because all of this should be quite straightforward.
Luke is my boss, and he’s Shade’s dad. He might be pretty, but he’s just to look at and not touch.
So, no, it’s not straightforward.
It’s after New Year’s now. January third. I didn’t go out to celebrate with any of my friends like I might have done in the past. I didn’t go to Sam’s house party, and she didn’t beg me to. My parents still don’t have my number, so I haven’t called them. But they know I’m okay, which is all that needs to matter right now. I do miss them, but I’m not ready to talk yet. It hasn’t been enough time.
Luke’s been burying himself in work. When he comes home now at the end of the day, he hangs out with Shade after dinner, the same as before, but I can tell he’s different. He doesn’t look at me like he hates having me in the house or like he’s waiting for me to trip up so he can find enjoyment from it. He’s much more civil now. Honestly, he looks tired each day, like he’s purposefully trying to exhaust himself at work. He also doesn’t look at me with any desire, which I appreciate.
Except that not all of me appreciates it. My brain appreciates it as it appreciates being treated like a person and not as an object. It appreciates Luke listening to what I told him and things not being awkward after that kiss in the kitchen.
So why is my body so pissed off?
I don’t think it’s stopped burning since Christmas night.
And that night when Luke literally stumbled into my room and talked to me from the floor, which should have been weird but was actually strangely intimate and meaningful, I wanted to pick him up off the floor. I wanted to tangle my arms around his neck and help him into my bed. I longed to kiss away his pain and frustration as I run my hands through his hair because I know it feels good. I wanted to wrap my arms around his huge body, even though they probably wouldn’t fit halfway around, and use the warmth of my own body to soothe the ice within him. I wanted to do all those things while telling him he’s fine the way he is. Just the way he is. That Shade appreciates everything, and I can see him trying, even if no one else can, and also, about how there isn’t any shame in not being a mechanic but being in publishing instead. That’s how my dad and grandpa both made good livings. I wanted to say and do the right thing. For the first time in my life, I think I caught a glimpse of the true meaning of intimacy. I wanted it all.
The nanny with benefits.
Not just because Luke is gorgeous and sexy, and it’s been a rather…erm…dry year over here for my lady parts. I didn’t just want the sex. Okay, I wanted to continue what we’d started in the kitchen the night before, but I knew if we did, it wouldn’t stop. I wanted it, but not because I needed to scratch an itch or because I liked the term benefits or arrangement. It’s because I just wanted to.
