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“That’s not all I want!”
“No? You said so yourself that you didn’t want anything from me. It was supposed to be about Shade.”
“I didn’t want anything from you! And it was about Shade! It still is! I just…I never thought I could…that I could care again…”
“And certainly not for me. I don’t believe you really do. I can’t believe you because people who care about each other don’t lie to each other. They don’t secretly plot with someone else’s family members and friends. Do you have any idea how messed up that is? Now it seems I can’t trust anyone!”
“That’s not true. You can trust me. You can. Feeney, I—”
“No. Stop it!” She puts up her hand in a visual gesture just in case I don’t get the hint by the terrible rage, fury, and anguish slicing through her tone.
It hurts to look at her. Her whole face is now pink, but it’s her eyes that I can’t meet. Every single emotion is there—her pain, her hurt, her anger, her sadness, her disappointment. I can literally feel everything we shared slipping away—all the things we couldn’t put into words are never going to be said, all because I messed this up. Badly. Even listening to myself, I see no justification in what I did. What was I even thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t—my dad’s right. I am an idiot and everything that word entails, which is putting it kindly. I wasn’t thinking, and I never thought about Feeney until it was too late. I didn’t give a shit if the merger didn’t happen, but I really did care about Shade, about him having someone there, and about trying to rebuild our lives. I thought some kind of agreement was the best way because I never thought I’d be able to be with someone again, at least in the normal way people are with other people. I didn’t think I had the capacity for it.
But Feeney proved to me that I did, and she proved it in a shockingly short amount of time. She set me straight, set me right, set me everything.
And still, I didn’t tell her.
I can’t say it was just because I didn’t want to lose her. It might be true, and it does make me sound like a selfish bastard, which yes, that might be true too. It also makes me seem like an ignorant ignoramus, and yes, I’m probably both of those, but I really didn’t want Shade to lose her. Truly. I was trying to protect my son, but it sounds like an excuse, even in my own mind, so I don’t say it.
I don’t say anything else, except the one thing Feeney deserves to hear.
“I’m sorry. You’re right about all of it. I should never have done it, considered it, or even listened to and entertained the idea. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t come up with it. I was still wrong. I was thinking about Shade, but that doesn’t make it right either. I don’t know what the hell was the matter with me or why I couldn’t use my head. It was selfish, it was wrong, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“How about I’m sorry I plotted against you? Or I’m sorry I decided to trade you in so I can merge with your father’s company? I’m sorry I didn’t even see you as a person but just thought of you as an inanimate thing without feelings. I’m sorry I was in the market to get my son a mom without actually having to put in any work myself. I’m sorry I was shut down, self-absorbed, and an egomaniac asshole. I’m sorry I am the most diabolical shit of a liar on the whole entire planet. I’m sorry I used your body and fucked with your feelings and emotions to try and manipulate you into—”
“No!” I shake my head firmly. “No. I never did that.”
“You did! You might not have been trying to, but you did.”
I lean forward, elbows on my knees, my face in my hands. “Point taken,” I say before blowing out a breath. I thought I knew what it was like to feel tired before, but right now, I feel extremely exhausted.
“How’s this for a point?” Feeney flips me off and storms out of the room.
I don’t chase after her because I thought she’s just going up to her room to be alone and think for a while. I don’t want to go up there and force her to talk to me, and I don’t want to make things worse than they already are, because shit, things are looking pretty bleak.
I guess I’m wrong about absolutely everything in the universe because a few minutes later, Feeney storms back into the room, her duffel on her shoulder. “I’m leaving, obviously. Tell…tell Shade I’m sorry and that I’ll miss him. Also, tell him his dad is a lying, salty piece of shady shit. That should about cover it when he asks you why I had to go.”
