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"Must have meant a lot to you."
"M-my mom gave it to me," Kristen said.
"Oh," I said, feeling like a jerk.
Their mom had died when Kristen was in her last year of high school. Logan had been away at college and was mostly estranged from their dad, so he hadn't been paying attention to messages and hadn’t heard until after the fact. It was Kristen sitting by their mom's bed as she slipped away.
I had heard from a mutual friend, the Parker siblings and I having drifted apart by that point.
"How are things going with you and Logan?" she asked, changing the subject.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on. I saw you two sneaking away at my party. I know my brother and I know you. You didn't what to disturb anyone at my party with your crazy fucking. Which I appreciate, by the way."
"Oh," I said, the warmth returning to my cheeks.
"It's okay, babe, I don't mean to pry or anything."
"It's complicated," I said.
"Ah," Kristen said, with a sly wink.
"No not like that. Not like fuck buddies. Honesty, I think fuck buddies would have a more stable and healthy relationship."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, at least they would know where they stood. With Logan and me, it's all really complex and weird. More hate/love than love/hate. On my end anyway. I have no idea what's going on in that head of his."
"You and me both," Kristen agreed.
"We both seem down to fuck. Almost desperate for it, if I'm honest. Can hardly keep out hands off each other."
"So I noticed."
Ugh. It was always weird talking to her about her brother. I guess that was one of the downfalls of dating your best friend’s brother.
"But then I remember what happened before and it all falls apart. I just start waiting for him to be a jerk again and push me away, so I basically get out before I'm thrown out. I really don't think I could stand that again. Not from him. I-I love him too much. Does that make any sense?"
"In an odd sort of way," Kristen said.
"Exactly, it is all odd. My feelings don't seem to know what to do so I end up wanting to punch him and fuck him, to stay forever and to get away all at the same time."
"You could try S&M. That might help with the first part."
"Did you really just say that?" I asked.
"Sure, why not? Lots of people try it now. I'm not really into it myself but can see how someone else might be. To each their own, right?"
"Right. Though to be honest, and I really hope this isn't, you know, TMI, but I kind of did that without directly telling him I wanted to. I-I told him to hurt me."
"In those exact words?" Kristen asked.
"Yes."
"You literally said 'hurt me'?"
"Yes."
"But he didn't."
"No, he flatly refused. Said he would never hurt me on purpose."
"Yeah, that sounds like my brother," Kristen said, "even when he was deflowering every virgin who said yes, he was still gentle about it and did his best not to hurt them. This is what some of the girls actually told me. Enough that I believed it. I actually got brave and asked him why he did it. A weird question to ask your brother, but I had to know. Was it just a pleasure thing?"
"What did he say?" I asked.
"Something like 'sweet fancy Moses!' He was never really comfortable talking about sex, especially to me. I pressed him though and he said that he wanted to do it before anyone else did, to make sure their first time was good and the girls weren't hurt."
"Really?"
"I'm guessing it was partly a pleasure thing too but yeah and I believed it."
"Has he always had intimacy issues?" I asked.
"I really don't think that's fair."
"Not fair? He threw me out of his room while I was blowing him."
"Yeah, I know," Kristen said, cringing at the memory.
"So, why did you want us together now? You know our past as well as anyone. What exactly has changed to make you think Logan and I could ever work? I mean, you did try to warn me at the time and the whole reason I'd stopped Logan up on the mountain was that I thought you wouldn't approve! I loved you, Kristen, and didn't want you to be mad at me. I also knew you had my best interests at heart and that if you said he was bad for me, I should listen to my best friend. When he threw me out of his room during his college break, I just figured you were right. It feels wrong for you to want us to get together now."
"I-I guess I just feel guilty about ruining things with him when we were teens. I felt like I was standing in the way of your happiness and I want you both to be happy. I was trying to to make up for it,” she said, as if trying to choose her words carefully.
