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“There’s more to this,” Shallan said. “Otherwise, Jasnah wouldn’t be digging so hard.”
“I can tell you why she’s doing it,” he said.
Shallan glanced at him.
“Don’t you see?” he said. “She’s trying to prove that the Voidbringers weren’t real. She wants to demonstrate that this was all a fabrication of the Radiants.” He stepped forward and turned to face her, the lanternlight rebounding from the books to either side, making his face pale. “She wants to prove once and for all that the devotaries—and Vorinism—are a gigantic fraud. That’s what this is all about.”
“Maybe,” Shallan said thoughtfully. It did seem to fit. What better goal for an avowed heretic? Undermining foolish beliefs and disproving religion? It explained why Jasnah would study something as seemingly inconsequential as the Voidbringers. Find the right evidence in the historical records, and Jasnah might well be able to prove herself right.
“Haven’t we been scourged enough?” Kabsal said, eyes angry. “The ardents are no threat to her. We’re not a threat to anyone these days. We can’t own property…Damnation, we’re property ourselves. We dance to the whims of the citylords and warlords, afraid to tell them the truths of their sins for fear of retribution. We’re whitespines without tusks or claws, expected to sit at our master’s feet and offer praise. Yet this is real. It’s all real, and they ignore us and—”
He cut off suddenly, glancing at her, lips tight, jaw clenched. She’d never seen such fervor, such fury from the pleasant ardent. She wouldn’t have thought him capable of it.
“I’m sorry,” he said, turning from her, leading the way back down the aisle.
“It’s all right,” she said, hurrying after him, suddenly feeling depressed. Shallan had expected to find something grander, something more mysterious, behind Jasnah’s secretive research. Could it all really just be about proving Vorinism false?
They walked in silence out to the balcony. And there, she realized she had to tell him. “Kabsal, I’m leaving.”
He looked at her, surprised.
“I’ve had news from my family,” she said. “I can’t speak of it, but I can stay no longer.”
“Something about your father?”
“Why? Have you heard something?”
“Only that he’s been reclusive lately. More than normal.”
She suppressed a flinch. News had gotten this far? “I’m sorry to go so suddenly.”
“You’ll return?”
“I don’t know.”
He looked into her eyes, searching. “Do you know when you’ll be leaving?” he said in a suddenly cool voice.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Well then,” he said. “Will you at least do me the honor of sketching me? You’ve never given me a likeness, though you’ve done many of the other ardents.”
She started, realizing that was true. Despite their time together, she’d never done a sketch of Kabsal. She raised her freehand to her mouth. “I’m sorry!”
He seemed taken aback. “I didn’t mean it bitterly, Shallan. It’s really not that important—”
“Yes it is,” she said, grabbing his hand, towing him along the walkway. “I left my drawing things up above. Come on.” She hurried him to the lift, instructing the parshmen to carry them up. As the lift began to rise, Kabsal looked at her hand in his. She dropped it hastily.
“You’re a very confusing woman,” he said stiffly.
“I warned you.” She held the retrieved book close to her breast. “I believe you said you had me figured out.”
“I rescind that statement.” He looked at her. “You’re really leaving?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry. Kabsal…I’m not what you think I am.”
“I think you’re a beautiful, intelligent woman.”
“Well, you have the woman part right.”
“Your father is sick, isn’t he?”
She didn’t answer.
“I can see why you’d want to return to be with him,” Kabsal said. “But surely you won’t abandon your wardship forever. You’ll be back with Jasnah.”
“And she won’t be staying in Kharbranth forever. She’s been moving from place to place almost constantly for the last two years.”
He looked ahead, staring out the front of the lift as they rose. Soon, they had to transfer to another lift to carry them up the next group of floors. “I shouldn’t have been spending time with you,” he finally said. “The senior ardents think I’m too distracted. They never like it when one of us starts looking outside the ardentia.”
“Your right to court is protected.”
“We’re property. A man’s rights can be protected at the same time that he is discouraged from exercising them. I’ve avoided work, I’ve disobeyed my superiors…In courting you, I’ve also courted trouble.”
“I didn’t ask you for any of that.”
“You didn’t discourage me.”
She had no response for that, other than to feel a rising worry. A hint of panic, a desire to run away and hide. During her years of near-solitude on her father’s estate, she had never dreamed of a relationship like this one. Is that what this is? she thought, panic swelling. A relationship? Her intentions in coming to Kharbranth had seemed so straightforward. How had she gotten to the point where she risked breaking a man’s heart?
And, to her shame, she admitted to herself that she would miss the research more than Kabsal. Was she a horrible person for feeling that way? She was fond of him. He was pleasant. Interesting.
He looked at her, and there was longing in his eyes. He seemed…Stormfather, he seemed to really be in love with her. Shouldn’t she be falling in love with him too? She didn’t think she was. She was just confused.
When they reached the top of the Palanaeum’s system of lifts, she practically ran out into the Veil. Kabsal followed, but they needed another lift up to Jasnah’s alcove, and soon she found herself trapped with him once more.
“I could come,” Kabsal said softly. “Return with you to Jah Keved.”
Shallan’s panic increased. She barely knew him. Yes, they had chatted frequently, but rarely about the important things. If he left the ardentia, he’d be demoted to tenth dahn, almost as low as a darkeyes. He’d be without money or house, in almost as bad a position as her family.
Her family. What would her brothers say if she brought a virtual stranger back with her? Another man to become part of their problems, privy to their secrets?
“I can see from your expression that it’s not an option,” Kabsal said. “It seems that I’ve misinterpreted some very important things.”
“No, it’s not that,” Shallan said quickly. “It’s just…Oh, Kabsal. How can you expect to make sense of my actions when even I can’t make sense of them?” She touched his arm, turning him toward her. “I have been dishonest with you. And with Jasnah. And, most infuriatingly, with myself. I’m sorry.”
He shrugged, obviously trying to feign nonchalance. “At least I’ll get a sketch. Won’t I?”
