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“Yes, you will. You’re making up for it now.” She pushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. “And I believe down in my bones that if you would’ve had a different life growing up, none of this would’ve happened.”
I didn’t believe that.
“No one’s to blame but me. I did it.”
“We’re not arguing about this. Agree to disagree.”
My face tightened. “Christ, again? This isn’t one of those leave it at that moments. My girls were screamin’ ’cause of me. They went a long fuckin’ time without a dad ’cause of me, Shayla. No one else.”
What the fuck? How was she seeing this any different? I didn’t get it.
“You didn’t have anyone guiding you, Sean. Nobody teaching you right from wrong, or showing you how to treat others. That is not your fault. I understand feeling guilty and regretting what you did, but I’m talking about carrying that blame yourself. No one is putting that night solely on you. Not even Val—I believe that.”
She spoke softly, which was calming me down, but it was also her touch—the way her hands kept pushing through my hair and stroking my cheek. It was gentle. It felt good. Better than good. I couldn’t help but lean into it and will her to keep going. I had gone most of my life without someone touching me like this.
I had gone all my life wanting it.
“You’re sorry,” she went on. “Everyone can see that. And you’re doing right by those girls now, and you’re going to keep doing right by them. Focus on where you are right now, Sean—fuck the rest. Just keep going forward. You’re going to give them a beautiful life.”
“You think my girls are gonna forgive me for that shit?” I asked.
Shayla shifted closer so she was practically in my lap and stared deep into my eyes. “I don’t think they ever needed to,” she said quietly. “They didn’t hold a grudge or hate you, Sean. They couldn’t do that. They just missed you. And when those girls get older and you explain to them what happened, if that’s something they need to hear, just like everyone else—they will understand why you did it and why you had to. They will understand—I promise.”
I wanted to believe that. I wanted her to be right.
Dropping my head against hers, I closed my eyes and breathed deep while she kept soothing me with her touch and her voice, telling me how good I was and how much love I had around me.
“Let yourself feel that love, Sean,” she whispered. “Take it in. Let it fill you.”
I fell asleep with my voice in her ear. I wanted it to stay there forever.
But it never did.Chapter SeventeenSHAYLAI startled awake when I felt Sean’s body jerk beneath me.
“No,” he murmured, voice heavy with sleep. “No. No, stop. Stop!”
“Sean?” I whispered. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and sat up as best I could, putting my weight on my hip.
I was trapped between Sean and the couch, our legs interwoven. I peered down at him.
He was on his back, head on the armrest, body sprawled out. His skin glistened with sweat. The shirt he was wearing clung to him.
“Hey.” I placed my hand on his chest. “Sean, hey, wake up.” His body began to twitch spastically. He mumbled incoherent words. He was stuck in a nightmare. “Sean!”
Teeth clenched, a scream tore out of this throat.
Panic filled me.
“Sean!” I yelled again, getting to my knees with some difficulty and looming over him. I grabbed his shoulders and shook him, hard. “Wake up! Wake up, Sean!”
With a gasp, his eyes flew open and he shot up, knocking me into the back of the couch. He stared like he was seeing right through me.
“Hey,” I whispered, cautiously reaching out to him. There was so much fear in his eyes. “H-Hey, are you okay?”
Sean’s body retched, and I watched in horror as he rolled to his side, hung his head off the couch, and vomited onto the floor.
“Oh, my God.” Shit. Shit! What do I do? I started rubbing his back, trying to soothe him while he continued to gag and expel the contents of his stomach. I held his hair out of his face. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Sean.”
I repeated those words like a mantra.
I thought about running to grab the bucket, but I didn’t want to leave him. What if he started choking? Was he even fully awake yet? I didn’t know. I could feel his heart pounding through his back. And when I grabbed more pieces of his hair as it dangled into his face, I touched his skin. It was soaked. He couldn’t stop sweating.
I listened as the vomiting ceased, and just as I was climbing over Sean’s legs to get to my feet and help him up, he began to sob.
