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I jerked. “What?”
“I didn’t want to feel this way, Kinsley. Hell, I don’t even know how you feel about me. I’m not sure I want to know, if I’m honest with you. But this isn’t my choice.” Something flashed in his eyes. “And you were never supposed to find out. I was supposed to find you an Elliott that you’d be happy with and then I could move on, but it…” He trailed off.
“Didn’t work that way,” I finished for him softly.
“Exactly. It didn’t work that way.” His jaw ticked. “It didn’t matter than you didn’t have a say in the pact because you were never supposed to need one.”
I looked away from him for a moment before I flitted my gaze back to him. “And now? Do I need one now?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Would it matter if I wanted one even if I didn’t?”
“If you don’t know if you do, then you don’t need one.”
“Damn it, no, don’t look at me like that.” I hopped off the stool and pointed my finger at him.
“Like what?”
“Like, like, I don’t know! Just this!” I threw out my arms, then jabbed my fingers into my own chest. “Do you know how guilty I feel? I know how much my brother and his friendship mean to you, and I was the person who made you do something that could compromise that. You’ve literally been best friends your entire lives, and I, me, my actions—my selfish, impulsive, thoughtless actions—made you do something you didn’t want to do.”
“I wanted to kiss you, Kinsley. Don’t mistake loyalty for a lack of wanting to do something.”
“Well, you weren’t being very loyal when you were grinding your erection against me.”
“Yeah? And you know what? If Holley hadn’t walked in on us, I’d have fucked you there and then on that table and not given a damn about anyone other than you.”
I froze. “You wouldn’t have.”
“I would have.” His fingers clenched into fists on the bar, his knuckles whitening. His jaw tightened and he looked away. “This conversation is going nowhere but in circles. Nothing is getting solved. Like you said, it’s probably best we write it off as a mistake and move on. Maybe you should go.”
“Uh-huh.” I stepped forward and grabbed my purse, turning toward the stairs to leave. The stupid lump that was forming in my throat was constricting my ability to breathe, and the deep sting at the back of my eyes told me I really had to go.
Now.
I needed to leave.
Something pooled in my stomach and tightened in knots. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but it didn’t take me long to recognize it.
It was the soul-sinking feeling that I would never again feel the way I had yesterday when he’d kissed me.
I would never feel that all-encompassing magic I’d felt when I’d been wrapped in his arms and his lips had been on mine.
And that?
That hurt a little part of me I didn’t know existed.
“Josh?” I paused halfway up the stairs, my fingers gripping the rail tightly as I looked to the open door at the top. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put us in this position because I let my temper get the best of me.”
He didn’t respond.
“And for what it’s worth,” I continued in a softer voice. “I wish I had a say.”
On those words, I ran up the rest of the stairs, desperately holding back the tears that threatened to form. This was so fucking stupid because it really wasn’t worth crying over. It wasn’t like we had anything beyond a kiss or anything that was worthy of tears.
But maybe that was worth some emotion.
The fact that we’d never get the chance to was pretty darn sad.
I dismissed the tears with a steely resolve, but that didn’t get rid of the ringing in my ears. I guess that was what happened—the emotion had to go somewhere, so why not my ears?
I pulled open his front door, but just as quickly as I had, it was shoved shut from behind me. Josh yanked me around and dipped his head to kiss me, circling one arm around my waist to hold me to him.
Shock jolted through my body, and I dropped my purse so I could hold him to steady myself. The kiss was hard and needy, but he softened it as I sagged against him.
He broke it off and buried his face in my hair as I pressed my forehead against his solid chest. He smelled like coffee and lavender again, and it was the weirdest thing to think, but I realized it was lavender because that was what his detergent smelled like.
I had no idea why my brain thought now was the appropriate time for that realization, but here we were.
“Why?” he grunted into my hair. “Why do you need a say?”
