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Guilt tries to consume me as I realize how difficult it is for us to even say my daughter’s name to each other. What the hell is it going to be like tomorrow night when she returns home?
“What is it about, then?” I say. “What did you want to tell me?”
She meets my gaze for a brief instant, but time seems to expand and it lasts an age, the seconds becoming hours as we stare into each other. We seem to say a lot in the short exchange, more than I ever thought two people could say to each other simply with just a look.
It’s goddamned magical, that’s what it is, and I don’t even care if that sounds crazy.
I want to have your babies, her eyes blaze. I want to be with you forever. I want you to own me.
And my eyes roar right back, Good, because I already own you, Sparkplug. I owned you the second I laid eyes on you, you beautiful fucking goddess.
She sighs and then tosses her hands up.
“You might not feel the same when I tell you.”
I grab her shoulders and pull her to me, embracing her tightly, closely.
“Let me be the judge of that,” I tell her.
She leans back, confident that I’ll hold her – which I always will – and then a shadow of pain flashes across her face.
“I’m a virgin, Saul,” she says.Chapter ElevenSadieI feel him grow tense against me, his hands tightening on my hips.
My heart drops and the phrase too good to be true shatters into me repeatedly, with the same force the orgasm shattered into me, only this impact is of a wholly different effect.
I can hear his words already, what he’s going to say next, roaring malformed in my mind.
He’ll say, “Jesus Christ, Sadie, why the fuck didn’t you tell me this before? You’re a virgin and, what, you thought that was just going to be okay? You thought I wouldn’t have anything to say about that? You thought I wouldn’t care? This changes everything. It makes the idea of us, well, it makes it goddamn impossible.”
I find myself clinging onto him, as though for one last time I can savor the solid feel of his body against mine, because on some level I know I never should’ve been able to be this close to a man like Saul anyway.
“Fuck,” he whispers, voice deep.
“I know,” I say, flying away from him when I hear the heavy resentment in his voice. “I should’ve told you at the racetrack, right? I shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up.”
I face the window, staring at my reflection in the glass. With a huff I paw at the window, smearing away the condensation so that I can partially see into the garden. The world is laced with snow, beads of moisture clinging coldly against my hand as I let it fall to my side.
“Hopes up?” Saul murmurs. “Sadie, what the fuck are you talking about?”
Hope dares to spark inside of me.
I quell the whelming and spin on him, summoning as much rage as I can, even if a puddle comes instead of the tidal wave I need.
Claim me. Fuck me. Put our baby in my belly.
But then if he does that – which I still want, which he probably doesn’t anymore – that would make me the mother of Fiona’s little brother or sister. My mind spins under that possibility, and yet it’s not enough for me to exile it from my mind completely.
His rejection will be enough, surely, I tell myself. That will be the final nail in the coffin.
“Sadie,” he says, stalking closer to me, moving with the slow ease of a practiced predator.
His lips split into a smirk, his eyes glinting.
“You don’t have to draw it out,” I snap, making to walk past him, unwilling to have him smirking at the novelty of my virginity.
But he slides in front of me, looping his arms inexorably around my hips and dragging me toward him.
I feel the tension in his body again, that tightness I read as disgust.
But then I feel something else.
I feel it, his manhood, pressing against my belly through his shorts.
“Look at me, Sparkplug,” he rumbles.
The nickname causes a fluttering of sensation to move through me, lightening the anxiety that has started to take a dark grip on my soul.
I look up into the intensity of his eyes, and I see that the glimmer isn’t mocking. It’s something else. It’s the same hunger that’s fueling his rock solid manhood.
“Do you have any idea how fucking happy this makes me?” he snarls, as just then a whipping wind causes the whole ancient-seeming house to whine. “I told you I didn’t want anybody else touching you, didn’t I? Well, now I know that nobody has, not in the way that matters. That’s all fucking mine. Don’t you see? Jesus Christ, I’m going to be the first man lucky enough to feel your fluttering creaming lips around my cock for the first time.”
