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Goose bumps sprang over my body at his words. Whole. Make me whole again. He continued before I had a chance to let the meaning sink in. “We separated because it felt necessary at the time, but I would’ve died before I let her get away.”
I looked away and held a tissue to the corner of my eye.
“Now, now. That doesn’t mean it’s not normal to have doubts about your partner. It’s not common to be so sure. Dav and I were different. We had an exceptional love.”
He drew me back to him. I had declared to Lucy that I didn’t believe in soul mates, but contrary evidence held me in its arms. Did I have any doubt that Mack and Davena were meant to be? Or even Lucy and Andrew for that matter? What if I’ve been wrong all along? What if there is such a thing as soul mates, and what if . . . ?
David recalled something unidentifiable in me that I’d been missing since my parents’ divorce. His embrace, his scent, his adoration felt natural, effortless. When I was away from him I was cold and empty and longing for something more. Why then is it so wrong?
I’d been trying to rationalize away my fears about making a home with Bill. But the image he’d painted for me was different than what I’d seen in the Oak Park house. He had seen us, children, a warm and open home. And what had I seen? David.
It was true, I thought. I’d done a terrible thing. I’d led Bill to believe that he could trust in me.
Was there a wrong way to fall in love? I couldn’t remember when or how it had happened with Bill. Gretchen had called him safe. He couldn’t hurt me because I wouldn’t let him close enough for that. He couldn’t hurt me because he wouldn’t, and I had known that from the start.
Bill didn’t deserve to be loved with my hands on the wheel, controlling the direction we took. Even though he couldn’t understand the depth of it, I was hurting him – I had been even before I’d met David. And the way David opened and closed to me, as though he was fighting himself, I saw that I was hurting him as well.
Things could not continue as they were.
There was only one option. The idea of losing David constricted around my heart like a snake. When he returned, I would have to end things for good. I’d taken a vow, and even if David thought he wanted more from me, it wasn’t mine to give. And not only that, but he, as a lifelong bachelor, couldn’t understand what more meant.
I wanted to tell David everything. Every feeling I’d experienced since the moment I had met him; what it had meant to make love with him and how it felt to become one with him. But saying those things to him was even worse than my physical betrayal, and so I had to bury it. There was no other way.
Mack never once asked what it was I had done because to him, it didn’t matter. He loved me regardless. “Come now,” he said into my hair. “Let me make you some tea, and we can catch up.”
The three of us spent the morning remembering Davena. The despair I’d been holding in over her death flowed from me finally. Mack told us about her foundation, and how he had been coping by pouring himself into it. We talked about work, and he congratulated me on my promotion, assuring me that Davena would have been proud.
On the walk back to the car, Bill was quiet. My time with Mack had been cathartic in many ways. And though I knew what I had to do, I felt no clarity from my decision.
As the silence dragged uncomfortably between us, I chewed my cheek anxiously.
“You never cry in front of me,” he said finally, squinting ahead.
I swallowed, unsure of how to respond. But he didn’t look like he wanted me to. On the way home, I sought the words to comfort him but came up short. I didn’t know how exactly I would proceed, only that something had to give.
~
Bill crossed the bathroom and raised his eyebrows at me. “Wow.”
“I hope that’s a good wow.”
“Where’d you get that?”
“The costume shop.” I looked down at the ivory floor-length ball gown that billowed out from a tight corset. My breasts were trussed up, and I had pinned half of my hair back and curled the rest into soft, brown waves. “Do you like it?”
“Yeah.”
I brushed my hand over the fabric of the skirt. “Do you really?”
He straightened his tie and smoothed back a few stray pieces of his hair. “I said yeah. I like it. It looks expensive though.”
“It’s a rental,” I said with a shrug.
“A rental,” he said with a scoff. “For one night? Is that practical?”
“It’s a special occasion, babe.”
He grabbed his mask from the table and slid it on. It skewed left a little, a black piece of plastic with two cutouts for his eyes. I’d bought it for ninety-nine cents, knowing he wouldn’t wear anything elaborate.
“How do I look?” he asked.
“Good.” I picked up my own mask and fingered it. It had come with the dress and was more intricate: ivory lace overlay, glass pearls at the corners of the eyes and a spray of white feathers off to the side.
“What’s wrong? Are you still upset about this afternoon?”
“No.” I gave him a reassuring smile.
“K.” His shoulders slackened, and he smiled goofily. “Tonight’s going to be fun. I’m looking forward to it.”
I nodded, wondering at his shifty mood. As of late, our dispositions had rarely been on the same page. So as I stretched the mask over my hair and fixed it on my face, I promised myself that I would be in high spirits for the night. No matter what.
CHAPTER 18
TICKETS TO THE BALL had been expensive, but Bill knew how much supporting the shelter meant to me. It was held at a private mansion just outside the city, a lavish home with curved staircases and velvety gold décor that reeked of luxury. Bill and I circled the silent auction table, joking about how much we would bid on an eighty-two-foot yacht or a ten-day Jamaican vacation. We found Lucy and Andrew hovering over courtside seats for the Bulls, and I shook my head at Bill as soon as he gave me a pleading look.
“You look stunning,” Andrew said, appraising me. “Well done!”
“Thanks,” I said with a sheepish smile. “You guys too.”
Lucy donned an ornate sky blue dress that matched both Andrew’s tie and her Venetian mask.
“Your waist is so tiny in that dress,” I heard from behind me.
“Oh. Hi, Dani.”
“Really Liv, you’re so little.”
“I’m not little,” I said with a hint of irritation. “Lucy is barely five feet – she’s little.”
“You know what I mean – skinny,” Dani said, waving her hand nonchalantly. Her chocolate hair was long and luxurious in perfect ringlets, and her eyes were especially green behind a brown mask. A pang of envy washed over me, and I remembered the stupid pink hoodie. Hadn’t David broken things off? Why did she look so happy?
“Not much of a mask, Bill,” she quipped.
He shrugged. “Better than Phantom of the Opera over here.”
Andrew visibly blushed under his mask. “What’s wrong with mine?”
“You look very handsome, honey.”
We all laughed and headed into the ballroom to take our seats. I waved at Lucy from across the room and texted her to save me a dance. The director spoke about the shelter’s mission and their goal to spread the word about animal adoption and the plight of homeless animals. Bill squeezed my knee. He whispered that he was proud of what I did, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t enough. When her speech concluded, the room filled with applause.
“That was nice,” Bill commented.
I gave him a close-lipped smile, but he was watching the dance floor where people had begun to gather. When the music started, he turned to me and grabbed my hand. “Come on.”
“What? I don’t know how to dance to this.”
“Just come,” he said, pulling me to the dance floor.
I started laughing, more from nervousness than anything. “Bill,” I protested between giggles.
He whirled around and stood in
front of me before bowing at the waist and offering his hand. “May I have this dance?”
I adjusted my mask and put my hand in his. “Certainly.”
He stood just slightly from my body while gripping my hand in the air. He began to dance, leading me in a waltz. I wasn’t surprised, since I knew of his childhood lessons, but I was thrown by how confidently he led me. I moved easily with him, unable to hold back a big smile.
