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Gretchen smiled. “It’s really romantic, Luce, if you think about it.”
Lucy’s face was still in her hands. She looked up finally and pinned me with a glare. “Have you slept with him?”
My ey
ebrows joined with confusion. It was true, what I was doing to Bill was awful, but this was Lucy, the idealist. Couldn’t she see the romance of me and David? My heart skipped when I answered her. “Yes.”
“Oh my – ”
“I couldn’t not,” I pleaded.
“That’s bullshit,” Lucy spat. “You’re stronger than that. You’ve always been strong.”
“Which just goes to show that I – ”
“Stop. Just stop. You’ve been lying to all of us, including my sister, for what? Seven fucking months? Is seven months even long enough to know that you’re ready to give everything up?”
I hesitated. “How long did it take you to fall in love with Andrew?”
The way her face morphed had me shrinking in my seat. “You’re sick, Olivia. If you think messing around with someone like David is anything close to what Andrew and I have, then you know nothing about love. That’s ridiculous.”
“Come on, that’s not fair,” Gretchen said defensively. “Have you ever seen Liv this passionate? With Bill? You know this is the right thing, you just don’t want to say it.”
Lucy averted her eyes as I looked from her to Gretchen. Had she just said I was doing the right thing?
“This is not right,” Lucy mumbled, crossing her arms. “Bill loves you, he trusts you, and this is how you repay him?” She paled, her face almost green. “You made a vow to him. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
My chest grew heavy, and a lump formed in my throat. “Of course it does,” I said, just above a whisper. “I love Bill, but things just aren’t right with him.”
“So you go to counseling!” she cried. “You don’t fuck someone else!”
I tried picturing David’s face from last night, the way he had looked right after I’d told him he was my home. But I couldn’t in that moment, and I began to waver. Had I thought this through? Did I owe my marriage another chance? What was I thinking, agreeing to leave my husband of three years for someone I barely knew? Tears pooled in my eyes, and I bit my lip to hold them back. Gretchen scooted her chair closer to mine and hugged me from the side.
Lucy cocked her head, peered at me and sighed. “Look,” she started gently, “you don’t have to do this. You said you haven’t told Bill?”
“He only knows David and I slept together. He’s known for weeks, but he never even asked if I had feelings for David. I do – ”
“Then it’s not too late to call this off,” Lucy said. “I can see that you’re really wrapped up in David, but we will help you through it. Couples survive affairs all the time. We’ll get you through this with Bill. And it will be hard, but I promise not to say anything to Andrew about you wanting to leave. Bill doesn’t have to know.”
“But,” I said. “David . . .”
“Forget him,” Lucy urged. “Is he worth losing everything?”
I took a deep, stuttering breath and nodded barely.
Her face fell. “Everything?” she asked blankly. “Everything?” I just stared at her until she rose from the table. “I can’t,” she said, snatching her purse from the back of her chair. “I can’t watch you do this.”
“Lucy, wait, please,” I begged as she turned to leave.
She looked back and fixed steady eyes on me. “Don’t tell Bill. If you decide to do the right thing, call me, I will be there. But I won’t sit back and watch you throw everything away.”
After she stormed away, I turned to Gretchen. “What am I doing? Am I making a mistake?” I fought back tears as I looked at her. “Oh, God. I don’t think I can go through with it.”
She put her arms back around me and hugged. As we sat in silence, the doubt Lucy had planted began to take hold inside me, feeding off the guilt and shame I’d been harboring for months. Gretchen separated from me finally and brushed a piece of hair from my forehead. “I want to say something, but I’m afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass.”
My eyes dropped to my lap.
“I’m going to tell you anyway,” she continued, “because I love you, and I think you need to hear it.” She sighed and picked at her nail polish, obviously deep in thought. Seconds ticked by until she eventually spoke again. “You’re not making a mistake,” she said softly.
“What?”
“Bill is not right for you. I never thought so. You’re my best friend in the world, and all I ever wanted for you is to find happiness again, for someone to open your eyes to all the love out there. When you said yes to Bill, I couldn’t believe it. I could not believe that he was the one you chose when you could have anyone.” I laughed nervously, and she snapped her fingers at me. “Anyone, Olivia. I mean it. And not only that, but you deserve more than what Bill gives you.”
“There was a time when you said Bill loved me so much. The way you said it, it seemed like you thought I wasn’t worthy of being loved that way.”
“No, honey. No. Why would I think that as your best friend?” she asked. “I remember that conversation at my place, the night you told me you had feelings for David. I meant that Bill loves you so much, and he would never hurt you, but . . . that’s not a reason to commit the rest of your life to him. Sweetie, you picked him because he was safe, like I said before, and because he couldn’t hurt you. How could he, when you never let him close enough to?”
“But maybe I should have. And maybe Lucy’s right about counseling.”
“And maybe,” she said, “he never gave you a reason to let him in. The last few weeks that you and David weren’t speaking, you thought it was over between you two. If Bill had left you when you told him you cheated, do you think it would have hurt as much as losing David did?”
I shook my head, though I was ashamed to admit she was right.
“I want to see you with someone you love so much, you can’t bear it,” she said.
“How do you know David is that person?”
“I’ve only seen a fraction of what you’ve been through this last month. Only what you’ve let me see. And just that little bit was heartbreaking. But it also gave me faith that you were within reach again.”
“Within reach?”
“You’ve been so closed off since your parents’ divorce, honey. You have to let go of that. You have to take this chance on love. I know I had no right to call David and tell him to go to you last night. I know that Bill will hate me forever if he finds out. But I needed to see for myself if David was going through the same thing as you. And I could hear in his voice that he was. I don’t know if he threw cereal against the wall,” she said with a small smile, “but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had.”
I smiled, even though the pain was fresh. Two nights earlier, I thought I would die on my couch of heartbreak, shame and grief. I knew if I’d seen Gretchen the way she’d seen me, I would’ve done the same thing.
She rubbed my arm. “Like I said, I might regret saying this, but I think you’re making the right choice.”
“Breaking Bill’s heart, leaving my apartment, telling my parents I’m a cheater, divorce . . . you think it’s right?”
“My gut tells me yes.”
I sighed, and though it weighed my heart with shame, I said, “Mine too.”
Her smile broke. “So what happens now?”
My heart was suddenly pounding. Bill was on his way home a day early from his work trip to St. Louis. He’d be back tonight. At eight o’clock. I’d been avoiding his calls, so all this I knew from an e-mail. I swallowed dryly and glanced at the clock on the wall over Gretchen’s head: 6:45.
“Bill gets home in an hour.”
“Will David be there?”
I shook my head. “I told him he couldn’t be.”
Gretchen took my hand. “Are you sure about that? I’ll bet he’s freaking the fuck out.”
“He is,” I said, “but I’m sure. This is something I need to do on my own.”
CHAPTER 2
MY NERVES HAD BEEN HUMMING STEADILY since the restaurant. I jumped up from my kitchen table, ready to run back into the bathro
om. When the wave of nausea passed, I sat down again and flattened both hands in front of me.
It was dark and chilly out, but the rain had finally let up earlier in the day. Gretchen had agreed to come along and had just left my apartment to wait downstairs. I looked over at the door anxiously, noting how small my packed duffel bag looked.
It almost felt as though life hadn’t quite begun until I’d found myself wrapped in David’s big arms. I’d jumped – launched myself into them – securing my body to his as though losing him meant death.
Then we’d fought in the rain. He’d wanted me that moment. He’d wanted me to get my things and come home with him. Then he wanted to be there when I told Bill. To all of these things I said no. Now that I had made the decision, Bill needed to know the truth before anything further happened. David had almost exploded when I told him I’d be going home with Gretchen because I didn’t feel right going straight to his place.
In the end, I’d won the argument, but I could see it had cost him to give in. He made it clear that he’d be eagerly awaiting my call.
I jolted from my thoughts when I heard jingling outside. In slow motion, a key slid into its slot as my heart slid into my stomach. I saw but barely registered Bill enter the apartment and set his stuff down. He said something but there was a dull buzzing in my head so loud, it almost drowned out the deafening pounding of my heart.
He came closer. His face was drawn with . . . something. Concern? My hands began to shake and white spots pierced my vision. Air was no longer entering my body, but I had no way of controlling that. I blinked . . . I blinked . . .
My world was moving, slowly at first and then faster. I was being shaken, dangerously close to vomiting again.
“Liv, wake up! Are you okay?”
My eyes opened. I took in my surroundings. I was in Bill’s arms. We were on the kitchen floor. He was staring at me, his eyebrows furrowed with obvious anxiety.
I just looked back at him, studying his features, inches from my face, for what might be the last time. His soft, somewhat lank brown hair. His crooked nose. His light and mild eyes. I wanted to tell him I loved him and everything would be okay. I wanted to tell him I’d never meant to hurt him. I wanted to tell him I was leaving because he deserved to be loved in a way I wasn’t capable of. I wanted to tell him I was leaving because we both deserved better. But I didn’t know how to say all of that, so I just said, “I’m leaving.”
