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I slowly made my way back to Manhattan. I walked, despite the cold. Spring hadn’t quite made it to Manhattan yet. I stopped at a local liquor store and bought myself a whiskey, the cheapest I could find.
I walked through Manhattan engrossed by all that was around me. I stopped when I saw a little girl crying. She wore her hair two little pigtails, tied with pink elastics. She was wiping her eyes with her tiny little fists, while her mother tried to console her. I cried silently as I watched, wishing my mother was here next to me doing the very same thing.
Finally making it back to the penthouse, my feet were blistered and bleeding. I barely acknowledged anyone in the lobby, too taken in by my wretched day. The moment I stepped into the elevator, I cracked the seal of the whiskey and began chugging. Was it healthy? I knew it wasn’t but I needed it to drown the aching pain I felt inside me.
Stepping inside our apartment, the lights were off. Daimon wasn’t home. I threw my coat onto the floor and kicked off my shoes. My feet protesting in pain, I walked over to the table and sat. Drako came running to me, but backed away when he noticed I wasn’t me. I kept chugging, guzzling down the cheap disgusting whiskey. My mind grew cloudy and I lost all sense of equilibrium. Good, I thought. I was drunk. All I remembered was hitting my head hard on the table as I fell unconscious.
“Addie… Addie.” I faintly heard through my haze, but I couldn’t wake up.
I finally stirred, the feeling of nausea taking over. I rose up but was held back. Daimon’s arms were around me.
“What…are you doin’? Let me…go,” I slurred.
“Addie! Where the fuck were you today?” he asked concerned.
“Out,” I said, trying to break free of his hold.
“Addie, tell me,”
“Tell…you...what?” I finally stood up and almost stumbled over.
“Addie, you’re drunk,” he snapped.
“Good observation, master.” I tried to salute him but failed.
“Do you have any fucking clue what I had to do today? I couldn’t find you and I’m in the middle of a huge business deal. I nearly blew a fucking multimillion dollar deal because of you!” he hissed.
“I’m sorry, sir. I only get like this…once, one day a year.” I nearly threw up, holding up one finger.
“Why?” he questioned.
“It’s my mom’s birthday. I’m celebrating killing her.” I looked at him, my eyes brimming with tears.
“Addie,” he breathed.
“I-t-t’s okay. I’m o…kay,” I smiled, rubbing my eyes the way the little girl did, trying to wipe the tears away.
“I killed her. I did it. Me!” I hit my chest with my open palm. “She could have been alive and celebrating her birthday today with my father, who every year bought her and still buys her lilies.” I shouted my words, barely making sense.
“Addie, come here.” Daimon reached out to take me in his arms but I pulled back, almost falling in the process.
“I-if I wasn’t so fucking selfish…if I didn’t fucking ask her, the drunk driver wouldn’t have killed her. She would have been home safe and sound. She would have been alive right now! N-no, the selfish stupid Addie fu-fucked it all up!” I cried out, slurring. “But you know what Daimon? I tried. I really fucking tried to make it up to them…to her. She was the glue… you know…the one who made our family make sense. But I fucked that up too. I couldn’t even take care of them. My dad got sick, Sofia got all fucked up. I couldn’t even do that right. I failed her twice.” I held up two fingers and stared at them. “Don’t you see, Daimon? I'm a fucking failure. I'm nothing, Daimon. Nothing!” I cried out, falling onto my knees, the ground breaking my fall.
“Fuck, Addie,” he murmured, approaching me. He took me in his arms and I cried uncontrollably.
“I miss my mother so damn much. I don’t even remember how she looked. How she smelled, her laugh.”
Daimon growled deep in his throat as he picked up the broken pieces of who I was and carried me up the stairs. He took us both to the bathroom, stepped into the shower, and turned on the water. We stepped toward the showerhead, the cold icy droplets waking me up instantly.
Daimon knelt down and placed me onto the tile floor. His perfectly crisp white button-down shirt became transparent as he took my face into his hands, forcing me to look right into his eyes.
“Addie, you didn’t kill your mother. It was a freak accident. You did everything you could for your family.” He pulled me in and gently rocked me back and forth. I grabbed his arm as I desperately held onto him.
“You are the strongest person I know. But you need to let this guilt go. Don’t you see? It’s a fucking excuse, for God’s sake, Addie, you haven’t been able to grieve her death. All you’ve done was bury it deep inside you, saying you were to blame. You used work and everything you could to cover it all up. Addie, your mom is gone. She’s dead. Now you need to live. She died doing what she wanted for her daughter. You didn’t force your mom to do anything,” he said roughly, trying to console me.
