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Pierce trailed his hand through my hair. “The principle is the same. When you want something badly enough, you’ll do everything you can to achieve it. Not saying it’ll be easy, but you gotta try…”
“What if I can never have proper sex with you?” I gave voice to my concern. “Will you still be addicted to me then?”
“I’ll always be addicted to you.” He pulled me in for a kiss. “Now let’s get some shuteye.”
His breathing slowed and soon he was snoring softly. I lay awake for what seemed like hours. He’d said he was addicted to me, not that he loved me. Of course he didn’t love me. He only wanted to fix me and he’d leave me when he found out I was totally unfixable.Chapter 18PierceAxel was bouncing from foot to foot, running up and down the catwalk and leaping into the air, doing his ‘thing’ in Perth, Western Australia’s Optus Stadium while we rocked London Lovers. I slammed my sticks down on the skins as the pyrotechnics to the right of me exploded. It was our last concert in Australia, three weeks since we’d left LA, and we were killing it.
The audience were going wild… and lost their shit even more when Axel told them to light up their phones and wave them. We launched into our big hit, ‘Harbor in the Storm.’ Hayley was out there in the crowd—she watched all our gigs—and I pictured her when we fell silent and the fans carried on singing the lyrics. She’d be singing with them…she knew the words to all our songs.
I closed my eyes briefly, zoning out from what was going down around me. Tonight, she and I would leave the after-show party early. She’d been making great progress in the sex department from the time we’d started touring. Last night, when I’d tongued her, I’d encountered the usual resistance, though. Her vaginal muscle was clamped tight shut like a fist. I’d soothed her, and, for the first time, had parted her folds and examined her entrance. I’d jerked my head back in shock… there was barely a pinhole opening, although she was wet for me. She’d closed her thighs and retreated up the bed, sobbing how sorry she was for not being able to provide me with what she thought I needed.
No other woman had ever made me feel the tug, the draw, the intimate sense of completeness I felt with her, and I’d told her so. I’d swallowed the pain I carried for her and kissed her until she’d relaxed enough to touch me and give me a hand job. I’d praised her to the moon and back, then held her, stroking her beautiful silky hair, and breathing her in until we’d both fallen asleep.
This afternoon, after our sound check, I’d gone online again and done some more research into Hayley’s condition. Her pelvic tightness was completely involuntary and might have stemmed from emotional trauma. My gut feeling, provoked by her fear of my penis, was that she’s suffered some kind of abuse. Whatever it was, she kept it secret from me. I wouldn’t press her about it. Not yet. She’d open up to me in her own good time, just like she was opening up to me physically.
Rhys’ guitar started to wail, jolting me back into the present. I took a moment to appreciate his genius, his control of the knife-edge feedback crescendo and the crunching chords. He was the fucking shit. Zach and I came in, adding the rhythm with our instruments while we sang the backup harmonies to Axel’s vocals. He got to his knees with his back to the crowd, looking up at the giant video screen featuring a loved-up couple strolling across the sands of a beach. Phoenix had been his muse when he’d written this song. I thought about the song I was writing that had been inspired by Hayley. I longed to play it to her, but it was still too raw for her to hear.
The concert sped by. The audience responded brilliantly, chanting our choruses. The guys and I were on fire. I put everything into my drumming…my entire body pulsed. I wanted to make Hayley proud, and I glanced down at my drum set, my chest aching. The only person I’d wanted to make proud before her had been Mr. Phillips.
Confetti canons let rip as we played the final encore, shooting billions of tiny golden stars into the mosh pit and stands. We bowed, turned, and belted off the stage, through to the area where the sports teams usually gathered. Hayley was waiting for me. Smiling, I grabbed her hand and, shielded by Joe, we ran to our car.A couple hours later, she was in my arms, dancing at the after-show party. “You smell gorgeous,” I nuzzled her neck and slid my hands down her back to hold her close. Her softness rubbed me right where I was hard, but she didn’t pull away.
