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Shit, that panicky feeling settles in the pit of my stomach once more, growing by the second as I try to really imagine it. How long will it be before I snap? Before I lose my mind and freak the hell out? It’s almost like I can already feel the cracks forming and stating to show down my sides and I haven’t even started yet.
“So, this will be your desk… if you get the job.” The man winks at me in an over the top dramatic fashion, almost as if he’s trying to make me see that I definitely have the job… an idea that should be a lot more exciting than it is. “This is where your in tray is. As you can see, there is already a bit of work left over from the last employee. That’s for the new person to start working on as soon as they come in to the office…”
A little? How can he call that a little bit of work? Has he lost his mind? I have never seen an in tray like it. I know that lawyers are always busy and especially when they begin at a new law firm and have to work their way up from the bottom, doing the smaller jobs that no one else wants to, a constant stream of smaller tasks but this isn’t what I was expecting. That is stressing me out already, my heart hurts because it’s pounding so hard, and I don’t even know if I’m breathing. Shit, this is scarier than I thought it could be.
“If you want to take a look through all of that paper work, to see what you will be doing, you can.”
I don’t want to, the idea makes me feel sick to my stomach, but the guy is giving me an expectant look. He needs me to do this, so I don’t have a choice. And I suppose it might be the best anyway because it might calm down my nerves. I will see all the tasks and know that I can do them because my education has trained me to do so. So, with trembling, shaking hands, I grab a stack of the first few pages and take a look through them.
Weirdly, I can hardly see the words on the page, my brain seems to be off on some fairy land somewhere else. I’m nodding with an intelligent look on my face but none of it is sinking in. The weight on my shoulders is pushing down on me harder and harder by the moment. I’m sinking in to the ground more and more and I don’t know how I’m going to escape. I shouldn’t want to escape, this should be exciting me, but it isn’t.
“Does that all look good to you, Kayla? Because I have to admit that I would like to have someone linked to your mother working here. With her reputation, people will be expecting lots from you…”
Fucking hell. I bend double, the air stuck inside of my body. It’s too much. The expectation of me actually becoming the fiery, feisty, kick ass lawyer that my mother is kills me. I don’t know if I can ever be that and if that’s what people are expecting of me then I know I can’t do it. I won’t ever be able to do it. There isn’t a chance. I can be a lawyer, I can work hard, I can put my all in to it, but I will never be a carbon copy of my mother and I can’t make it happen. I don’t like the idea that people even want that from me.
“Are you okay, Miss Smalls?” A hand rests on my shoulder before it quickly snatches away. “Are you ill? Do you need me to do something? I should get someone to call a doctor, shouldn’t I? You are clearly sick…”
“No, no,” I rasp out, jumping in before anything drastic can happen. I really don’t want to end up in hospital. “No, I’m not sick, I just… I don’t want this.” Oh my God, never have I ever spoken truer words. “I don’t want this. Thank you so much for the opportunity.” I roll up in to a standing position as my strength returns. “I appreciate you believing in me here, but I don’t want this job. I don’t want any of it. I can’t do it.”
His eyes almost pop out of his head in surprise. “Did I do something to offend you? Because I’m sorry if that’s the case. I will do anything to make it alright. I want to make sure that your mother is happy…”
I roll my eyes. My mom has gotten to him as well and has this man as petrified as she has me. He doesn’t even really care about me he just doesn’t want to spark another row. I don’t blame him, but it does make me wonder what she did to him. Then again, this all highlights that it’s nothing to do with me, it’s all to do with her.
