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I hate that the man I was with got in to that car, I despise him for killing a family who didn’t stand a chance because of his inability to drive, it destroys me that even in an inadvertent way, I was a part of that because he was my live-in boyfriend at the time. I was tarred with the same brush as him because of my association.
Slowly, in the midst of my grief, of my sadness for the people who were killed, I realized that the town I had lived in for my entire life had turned against me. The rumors began and spread quickly that I was in the car as well, that I also took a lot of drugs, that me and Dante were on the phone arguing which was how he lost control of his vehicle, that I needed to carry some of the guilt for the family dying as well.
None of that was true, but I carried the guilt anyway. I always have done. Ever since I got the call from the police and I learned that Dante was being locked up, I have felt terrible about everything. It has killed me. I might have run right away if I didn’t have to be a part of the court case, but I was called to be a witness and that was what I needed to do. I didn’t expect it to change anyone’s opinion of me, but I did hope that they would finally see me as a human being who didn’t need to be screamed at in the streets anymore…
But that never happened, so much to my father’s heart ache, I ran away to start again in LA. And I could do that then because as awful as it all was, it was local news not national. It never really got too far. But now, because I am the girl who was seen kissing Lance Wilson, everyone is going to know about it.
The secret that I have been trying to out run has finally caught up with me. It’s caught up with me and its steam rolling over me, taking me out of existence. My life is over, there is no escaping this. It’s almost as if the walls are closing in on me now, taking the oxygen out of the room, leaving me a mess.
“This is why,” I wail. “This is why I don’t date, I shouldn’t be around anyone, least of all Lance.”
I can only blame myself for this. This is my own fault for ignoring the red flags that I set out for myself, for putting my own rules to one side. I don’t have anyone to blame but me and that only makes it more challenging for myself. I want to scream, to punish myself, to do something, but I can’t.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I stare at my ringing cell phone like it’s my worst enemy. I have no idea who could be calling me right now, and that scares the living shit out of me. What if it’s one of those people online who has discovered my number as well as everything else? What if it’s a journalist wanting to hear ‘my side of the story’? What if it’s Lance…?
“Dad,” I whisper as I see the name on the screen. “Oh God, Dad.” I sob even harder as I pick up the phone because I am so damn desperate to hear a friendly, loving voice, of someone who cares about me. “Dad?”
“Oh, sweetie,” he coos, letting me know with his tone of voice alone that he has seen everything unraveling on the Internet. He will understand better than anyone how much this is destroying me because he was the one there for me when I went through it all before. “I’m sorry, this must be horrible for you.”
“Dad, this is a nightmare. I don’t know what to do. I’m never going to be able to escape this.”
“You need to remember that you did nothing wrong,” he reminds me carefully. “It wasn’t you taking drugs and driving that car. It was Dante. And you were a victim of his as well. People forget that in their own grief.”
I might have forgotten that as well with everything going on, but to be honest as I look at the comments springing up on the Internet about the new news article about me it seems like everyone else has forgotten it as well. I’m back to being vilified and hated all over again. But by the world this time around.
“You should come home,” Dad pleads with me. “Just for a while. I’m sure that you are owed time off work. I haven’t known you take any of your vacation days yet. Come back where I can take care of you.”
“But this isn’t just being dragged up for me, is it?” I snap back, taking my highly-strung emotions out on the wrong person here. “It’s coming back out for the family of the victims as well. And it’s all because I kissed some movie star. They aren’t going to want to see me happy and moving on with my life when they have lost people.”
