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“Yeah, I wasn’t exactly planning that to happen.” I almost want to apologize to him, but I don’t let myself. I have to remember that this wasn’t my fault, I can’t be blamed for any of it. “I didn’t know…”
“No, of course not.” Dante smiles, more to himself than anyone else. “I know that lovely, sweet, Millie Jones wouldn’t do anything like that to hurt me. You never want to harm anyone. That’s just you.”
“Is that how you see me?” That’s a real surprise to me. I don’t quite know how to take it. “Sweet?”
“Of course. That’s what attracted me to you in the first place. You were always the complete opposite of me in the best possible way. You made me want to be better. You made me… well, I wanted to change…”
“But you didn’t.” I need to be brave. There isn’t any way that he can hurt me now. Not with all of these police officers around looking. “You didn’t change, did you? Not once we moved in together.”
His face falls and I can tell that I’ve hit him where it hurts, metaphorically of course. I can’t help being a little bit scared because that’s a natural reaction when it comes to Dante, but it’s also maybe a tiny bit empowering. To finally be able to tell Dante a little bit of what he did to me. It’s weirdly up lifting.
“No, I didn’t. I don’t think I ever did really, I could just hide it from you a lot better when we didn’t live together.” He smiles thinly but I can see the strain in his eyes. “Moving in together was a mistake in hind sight, but I wanted to be with you, I wanted to be that better man for you. I just couldn’t make it happen.”
Tears fill my eyes as I think about how different life could have been if he’d either managed to make himself better for me, or if I had known the truth from the start so I could have made some informed decisions.
“Sorry, I don’t want to upset you, Millie, I just want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. My addiction was too powerful, I was far too deep in to it, there wasn’t any escape from it. I couldn’t do anything. I mean, my first few days locked up when I couldn’t get anything… I can’t tell you how bad that was…”
Does he want me to feel sorry for him? And why do I a little bit? God, feelings are confusing. Why isn’t there a scrap of rationality when it comes to emotions? It doesn’t make any sense at all. I would love nothing more than to be able to turn all of this off, but I can’t. I mean, I did love him once.
“Drugs, Dante?” I say with my arms folding across my chest. “How did I not know about drugs?”
“Drug addicts are liars, and very good ones at that. We get good because we have to lie and nothing else matters but the drugs. It’s a sad fact, but it’s the truth. I would have sacrificed anything…”
“You did,” I bite back angrily. “You did sacrifice everything. Including me, and that family you killed. Plus, everyone in their lives as well. It affected everyone, what you did. All for fucking drugs.”
I didn’t want to get this angry. Actually, I feared getting upset and crying more than anything, but I honestly can’t stop myself from letting all of this get the better of me. I need him to know how much he affected everyone with his idiotic quest for drugs. I definitely don’t have any sympathy for him anymore. He’s an asshole. A selfish prick who put himself first one too many times. No one deserved to die for him. Certainly not strangers.
“I know.” His head hands low once more. “And believe me, I have spent the last few years beating myself up about it. I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what happened, nor do I expect anyone else to. If that’s what you think I have brought you here for, then you’re wrong and I’m sorry for giving that impression. It was never that. I’m not saying sorry to you to clear my conscious or anything like that. I just…”
“I see.” I do think that I might know what he’s talking about, but it won’t ever make me forgive him. Perhaps him knowing what he did to me will help get me closure though. There’s a chance that this could be the start of me moving on from him, finally letting go of what happened in the past. “Right well… erm, yes, I…”
“So, Lance Wilson, huh?” he interjects before this conversation can get any deeper. “That’s quite a step up from me. A big Hollywood movie star. That’s great… if he makes you happy. He does make you happy?”
