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I would do anything for Christine and our friendship, but sitting in my bed, my doubts weigh heavy on me. If I sat here and put some real thought to it, has it really ever been a two-way street for us? Or has it always been Christine asking and me always saying yes. Has our friendship ever been real to begin with?
I swipe at the fallen tear, realizing my answer. It’s always been about her. Our wingman status was never about us sticking together, thick and thin. It’s been about me tagging along to parties I was never truly invited to while she ditched me the second we walked in for her current crush. Helping her get out of trouble with our parents when she drank too much, taking the blame because we knew my punishment would be way less than hers. The homework. The essays I wrote. I can go on. All the giving I did and taking she took. But what did she give in return?
A small sob escapes my lips. She gave me the only friend I’ve ever truly had. And maybe deep down I knew what she was doing the whole time. And I accepted it because I needed her in my own way. She may not have returned the favors, but she stayed my friend. She gave me that someone who listened when I needed to vent about our family struggles. My parents always fighting. The fears they would split. I’d never go to college. Would I ever truly kiss a boy?
I laugh at that knowing the answer now.
But that brings me to the most confusing part of all. Damien. What am I doing with him? Why am I sticking around? Because he makes you feel. But is the risk worth the reward? He will hurt me in the end. If he hasn’t already. This won’t end like those fairy tale endings do. We won’t ride off into the sunset together while he confesses his deep and ever dying love for me. I’ll be just another toy as he claims I am to him. Then, walk away Jensen. See, that’s the thing. I can’t. I’m the foolish girl in this story who loses in the end.
I go to bed, snuggled under my covers, alone and even more confused. I feel like I have so many decisions to make. Do I fight for my friendship with Christine? Do I stand up to Sylvia and tell her I’m not going to be her little punching bag anymore? Do I stand up to Damien and show him I’m not some little girl, who doesn’t know what she wants. And that I may just want him?
Three days later….
I STEP OUTSIDE MY DORM and pop open my umbrella. The rain started three days ago and hasn’t let up since. I sigh at another day wasted knowing I won’t be able to capture the shots of the arboretum in the park for my photography class. I look at the time and realize I only have twenty minutes to make it across campus to the communications building in time to sign out a rental camera. The good thing about the art program is the option to rent their equipment. The bad thing is I’m not the only poor student depending on the school to get my work done. I’ve thought about taking the expensive dress hanging in my closet and pawning it for money to buy my own camera. I’m sure I could find a nice refurbished one to get the job done.
I get moving, fighting my umbrella. The wind in Chicago is fierce. If I make it to class without it flipping inside out under a billion times, it will be considered a success. The campus is quiet, students smarter than I, staying in their dorm rooms, instead of venturing out in the monsoon. But the weather out here is less gloomy than being in my room.
Christine is still barely talking to me, and by barely, I mean not at all. After Damien dropped me off without a goodbye, I tried calling her to confess everything. That didn’t go as planned since she didn’t answer my calls or texts. I just wanted to lay all my cards on the table and be honest about what had been happening. I’m sick of hiding behind this blackmail and abiding by a contract that’s far from who I really am, with a man who’s becoming a headache. He dropped me off without a word and that was that. Three days, and nothing but silence. But I’m fine with it. I’m done playing games. He may see me as weak. But I know who I really am. And that’s why I’m done hiding behind the contract, the lies, and the blackmail.
Now, I just need Christine to speak to me.
