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My brother stopped in front of the school, pulling off to the curb and putting the car in Park.
I hadn’t slept a wink last night, and while there was a cloud fogging my brain, so nothing was really clear yet, I didn’t feel tired.
More like my head was floating six feet above my body, detached and delayed.
“You look really pretty today,” Martin said.
I tried to smile. “Thanks.”
My skirt and shirt were ironed, my hair was combed and fixed with a headband, my tie tightened, and for once, I wore the expensive navy blue blazer he bought me last year that still fit.
“I hope I find you at home when I get off work.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry about everything,” I said in a low voice.
I felt his eyes on me, but he remained silent for a while.
Then, his soft voice filled the car. “We have to get along, Emmy. I’m all you have.” Then he ruffled my hair, laughing. “I mean, I’m nice, right? I buy you stuff and let you have freedom. I got you into this school because I want you to have the best. I try, right?”
I nodded again.
“I’ll make some of that homemade caramel corn you like tonight, too,” I said.
He groaned, smiling. “Sounds like a plan.”
I climbed out of the car, taking my bag with me and waving goodbye before heading through the parking lot.
It wasn’t often we patched things up with so little effort, but after I got home last night, I didn’t even try to sleep. I showered again, washing my hair and scrubbing and shaving like a new me would be some kind of armor.
I cleaned my room, fixed up the kitchen again, and made cinnamon rolls, letting them bake as I sat at the table and completed all my homework, even the study guide for The Grapes of Wrath that wasn’t due for another week.
I packed up my school bag, dressed, and even put on some mascara before Martin arrived home to find life perfect again.
I wasn’t getting out of this situation. And I couldn’t kill him.
I had to survive, and just like last night when I told Damon that there was a tear in the membrane, I realized as the hours passed that it wasn’t going away.
Something had disconnected, and every memory of his hand across my face or his fist in my stomach over the years was like a dream happening to someone else.
I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t here now.
I didn’t have the energy to care about anything.
The morning classes came and went, and I wasn’t even sure if Will was in my first period, because the lecture seemed to end before I realized it had started.
I stared at my desk, the wrestling room playing in my head and something swelling in my heart but ripping it to shreds at the same time.
I was glad he had his friends. They loved him, and Will deserved to never be alone.
But I also hated the idea of anyone else but me making him happy.
Making Will happy was an amazing feeling.
I wished I could be the girl I was at the Cove every day, but it was gone. The weight had crushed that spark, and I couldn’t muster the energy to even try anymore.
“God, I’m not ready for basketball season to start,” Elle said, setting her lunch tray down next to me in line. “There are like two weeks where it overlaps with football, and we’ll be swamped.”
