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“I apologize then. That’s so much better,” Hannah snorted. There was no point in telling her to put a sock in it. She was on a roll.
This time Jenna pretended she didn’t hear her. “He’s wonderful. We’ve gone out twice and I think I really like him. He’s a fitness trainer and posts all these amazing healthy recipes on Instagram. He has over three thousand followers! He totally understands the importance of watching what you eat.”
“That sounds great, Jen,” I said sincerely, but I was still concerned. Jenna’s issues with food were deep. The last thing she needed was to get hooked up with someone that shared her bordering on unhealthy obsession. “As long as he treats you well.”
“She’s been on two dates. He won’t reveal he’s a serial killer quite yet,” Hannah intoned with faux solemnity.
“And you wonder why I didn’t mention him sooner,” Jenna cried, losing her patience.
Hannah, realizing she may have overstepped the mark, backed off. She gave Jenna a side hug. “I’m sorry. I’m being an asshole. I’m happy for you, J. Even if he’s a Christian health nut.”
Jenna smiled, already having forgiven our outspoken friend.
“Tell me about—” I started to say but Hannah cut me off.
“Your turn now. Jenna’s played a show and tell, now you. What’s going on with you? Why haven’t you come out to Sweet Lila’s in almost two weeks? And why haven’t you been picking up when I’ve tried Face Timing you from the gym? Bobby Bicep was there in all his glory and I couldn’t share him,” she pouted.
“I’ve been busy,” I excused, knowing there was no way she’d accept that. I should have prepared a better cover story. I should have thought of an ironclad alibi.
Fuck it.
I took a bite of my burger, taking my time chewing and swallowing.
“I’m turning grey over here. Which means, there’s a juicy story you’re not telling us.” Hannah pointed at me accusingly before ordering another round of beers.
Jenna cocked her head to the side, considering me. “You’re right, Han, there is something different about her.”
“She’s glowing right?” Hannah exclaimed. “And there’s only one thing that makes a woman glow like that. A thick, meaty schlong,” Hannah stated with all the authority of a woman very familiar with thick, meaty schlongs.
“Hannah, do you have to be so crude?” Jenna asked in disgust.
I wiped my mouth and put my friends out of their misery. Was I really going to do this?
“Okay, fine. I have a thick, meaty schlong glow. So, sue me!”
Jenna and Hannah’s eyes widened before my mouthier friend whooped loudly. “I knew it! I’ve seen that I’m-getting-shagged-and-loving-it look on your face before.”
“Garrett Russell,” the three of us said in unison, referring to my one-night stand with the studly bartender down the street from our junior year apartment. It had been the most glorious night of my life. The sex had been off the charts. I had been sure that no man on this earth could compete with the sex skills of Garrett Russell.
And then I slept with Jeremy Wyatt. And let me tell you, he blew Garrett Russell out of the water.
“Is this guy as good as Garrett?” Hannah whispered in awe.
I leaned forward. “Better.”
“No!” Hannah gasped, holding her hand to her chest in feigned shock.
“Just thinking about him makes my toes curl,” I found myself admitting.
Hannah raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got it bad.”
“For his schlong,” I tried joking but she wasn’t having it.
“Uh-uh. This is more than the power of a righteous dick. Feelings are involved. And that’s not a bad thing as long as he treats you well,” Hannah said.
I didn’t say anything. What could I say? I could argue that feelings weren’t involved, but would I be lying? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to think too much about it.
“Who is it?” Jenna asked.
“No one you know,” I answered quickly.
“Liar. Who is it?” Hannah demanded.
“I told you—”
“Don’t feed us a load of bullshit. We’ve known you for the better part of six years. We know when you’re being a lying hoe bag. So why won’t you tell us who you’re knocking boots with? Are you embarrassed? It’s not that weird guy with the neck growth that works at Lila’s is it?” Hannah looked horrified at the possibility.
“No, it’s not the guy with the neck growth,” I said tiredly. This wasn’t going to end any other way but with my confession.
“It’s Jeremy Wyatt,” I said right before shoving fries in my mouth.
Jenna’s mouth dropped open and for the first time in the history of our acquaintance, Hannah was speechless.
“Wait a goddamn minute, Jeremy the jackass? Your brother’s law partner, Jeremy? Your new boss, Jeremy?” Hannah wasn’t making me feel very good about telling her.
“Yeah, that Jeremy.” I ducked my head to hide my shame. To steel myself against the inevitable onslaught of condemnation that was sure to come.
