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“I guess you’re a hit,” she said. She stabbed her finger on a button that was on the edge of her desk. “How many calls?” she asked, not turning around to face Cecily again but merely staring at me, studying my expression.
There was a brief pause. I saw Cecily drop the phone and get up out of her chair to lean closer to the window. “Fifty lines all waiting,” she said in disbelief. “Take line six.”
April licked her lips and gave me a flirtatious smile. “Hold on, honey,” she said across the desk. “The ride is just about to start.”
She tapped the keyboard and then inched herself a little closer to the microphone. She had the headphones slung around her neck. She set them quickly back over her ears.
“Hello, and welcome to WGHX-95.8, Boston talk-back radio. You’re on the air. Do you have a question for Jericho?”
There was the briefest moment of delay, and then a woman’s voice filled my headphones. She sounded like she was in her thirties.
“Hi,” the woman said. “Can I ask a question?”
“Sure,” April said. “Jericho is waiting to talk to you. What’s your name?”
“Gabrielle,” the woman said. She sounded polite and educated.
“And where are you calling from, Gabrielle?”
“Medford.”
April smiled and it lightened her voice. “Okay, Gabrielle from Medford, meet Jericho James from Australia. He’s all yours…” she said. “Ask your question.”
There was another brief pause. This one was longer and more meaningful so that it seemed more like hesitant reluctance. I took a breath and filled in the dead air.
“Hi, Gabrielle,” I said. “Thanks for your call. How can I help you tonight?”
April gave me a jaunty thumbs-up.
“Hello,” the woman sounded flustered, or maybe embarrassed. “Are you really into the BDSM lifestyle?”
“Yes,” I said.
I heard the woman sigh and there was a reedy nervous waver in her voice. “Okay,” she said. “Then maybe you can give me some advice. I really need someone’s help.”
I glanced across the desk. April was watching me, her expression now enigmatic. I shut her out of my thoughts and focused my attention on the voice of the woman caller.
“What seems to be the problem?” I asked.
The woman sighed again. “I read a lot of erotica novels about the BDSM lifestyle,” the woman named Gabrielle declared. “For me it is an escape. I’ve been married to the same guy for twelve years, and things in the bedroom have become routine… do you know what I mean?”
I nodded my head for no reason, and then realized I had to talk. No one could see me. “Yes,” I said. “I know what you mean.”
“Well, lately my interest has become more… more intense,” the woman’s voice lifted a little. “And a week ago I went to my husband and tried to talk to him about my fascination and my curiosity. I thought that after a dozen years together, BDSM might have been a way for us to spice things up in our bedroom – and the fantasy of being sexually submissive to a man has become something that appeals to me strongly.”
“And how did your husband react?”
“Not well,” Gabrielle’s tone became crestfallen and haunted. A rising bitterness came through her voice. “He told me it was ridiculous, and he wanted to know where the idea had come from.” There was a short pause and then the woman’s voice leveled out into a bleak monotone. “In the end, we got into a fight. My husband said there was no reason to change what we were doing sexually, and that he wasn’t interested.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Rejected,” Gabrielle said. “That’s why I called the station. I wanted to know what you suggest I do to make my husband as interested in BDSM as I am.”
I took a breath. The woman wasn’t going to like what I had to say.
“Gabrielle, you probably can’t do anything,” I explained bluntly. “The fact is that most men in a settled long-term relationship are wary of change in the bedroom because it threatens them.”
“Threatens them?”
“Yes,” I said. “Most guys are pretty fragile about sex. Their self-esteem is built on their own perception of their prowess. So going to your husband and suggesting trying BDSM is something that many men in the same situation as your husband would take as a criticism of their current efforts. Does that make sense?”
‘No,” Gabrielle said, and I could hear the confusion in her voice. “I understand what you are saying – but the idea makes no sense to me.”
“Nor to millions of other women around the world,” I smiled in the eerie gloom of the radio studio. “Women don’t understand men, and we men certainly don’t understand you women. But the point here is that your husband is probably not rejecting the idea of trying something new in the bedroom – he’s refusing to budge because he has probably taken your suggestion as a criticism of his ability to please you. In instances like this, the man often withdraws completely – at least in terms of sex – because he feels like you are unsatisfied, and he doesn’t know what to do about it because he probably has limited sexual experience.”
On the other end of the line, Gabrielle was making impatient sounds as if she wanted to cut across me. “We haven’t had sex since the argument,” she said in confirmation.
“And you probably won?
??t for some time,” I guessed. “Until your husband figures out he needs to change in order to please you. Until then, he’s going to be withdrawn and remote.”
“Really?”
“Probably,” I said. “That’s how most guys would deal with this kind of criticism.”
“But I wasn’t –”
“I know,” I cut in smoothly, and Gabrielle’s protest dropped away. “You went to your husband with the best intentions and with a desire to improve things in your relationship. I’m not suggesting anything otherwise. I’m simply saying that he probably didn’t take your intentions the way you wanted him to. His immediate reaction would be to take offense instead.”
Gabrielle sighed into the phone and I could hear the soft sounds of her breathing on the line. “What do I do?” she asked forlornly.
“Don’t give up,” I offered a glimmer of hope, “but don’t push the issue either. If your husband is a genuine guy who honestly cares about you and your relationship he will want to reach out to you eventually. In this situation, the best thing you can do is to leave a few of your BDSM books lying around the house. Eventually your husband will pick one up, or he will go online to learn more about the lifestyle.”
“Do you think?” Gabrielle sounded suddenly hopeful.
“Yes,” I said. “I do – if he’s genuinely interested in pleasing you and sustaining the marriage. Sooner or later he will begin to do his own research and his own investigating about what is involved in the lifestyle.” I paused for a moment and tried to put emphasis into my voice. “The most important thing you can do is be responsive,” I said as a warning. “When he does show signs of wanting to talk about the issue, don’t bombard him. Don’t pressure him. Let him come to you, and then let him set the agenda of the discussion. He will need to go at his own pace, and he will need to believe it’s under his control. In fairness, you have had a lot more time to think about and process this idea because you’ve been reading erotica novels and thinking about how you might enjoy the BDSM lifestyle, but remember it is all new and very foreign to your husband. You’re taking him a long way out of his comfort zone, so you will need to be patient.”
