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I thought the guilt would go away once we were actually sleeping together, because it was rare when I’d ask for a reprieve from sex, but if anything, my self-reproach was worse. He’d stop, abruptly, like it pained him. It was all or nothing. He’d take a few deep breaths, click on a game, or channel surf, or we’d go get something to eat. And I would feel like the world’s worst girlfriend.
Lucas had continued the make-out for another hour. Before it was over, he’d slid his hand between my legs, over my jeans. “This okay?” he asked, and at my breathless affirmative answer he stroked his fingers there while kissing me deeply, and somehow made me come through a layer of denim. I was shocked, and a little embarrassed, but one glance at his face told me he savored my body’s response, and his ability to trigger it. He would not let me return the favor.
“Leave me something to anticipate,” he’d whispered.
Now he was leaving me at the front of my building, wide awake from the cold drive, though he’d placed my hands under his jacket during the ride, so they wouldn’t be frozen. He put the helmets and his gloves aside and pulled me closer, his hands under my jacket, over my sweater. “Did you like the charcoal?”
I nodded. “Yes. Thank you for showing me your drawings… and the defense move.”
Resting his forehead to mine, he closed his eyes. “Mmm-hmm.” He kissed the tip of my nose, and then moved his lips to mine.
It almost hurt to kiss him—almost. I sighed into his mouth.
“You’d better get inside before…” He kissed me again, more hungrily, and I curled my hands between us against his hard chest.
“Before…?”
He inhaled and exhaled through his nose, his mouth a tight line, his hands gripping my waist. “Just. Before.”
I kissed the edge of his jaw and pulled away. “Goodnight, Lucas.”
He remained leaning against the Harley and watched me. “Goodnight, Jacqueline.”
I walked up the steps to my building, and not until I got to the door did I look up and see Kennedy standing there on the top step, his narrowed, curious eyes flicking between Lucas and me. “Jackie.” He stared down at me as I stepped up next to him. “I came by, thought we could talk. But Erin said you were out, and she wasn’t sure if you’d be back at all?” I’d left Erin a scribbled note telling her where I was. She must have enjoyed rubbing my night out in Kennedy’s face. He looked back toward the curb, but I didn’t turn to see if Lucas was there or gone.
“Why didn’t you text first? Or call?”
He shrugged, combing his hair back from his forehead with one hand, the other stuffed into the front pocket of his jeans. “I was in the building.”
I angled my head. “You were in the building, and thought you’d just stop by and I’d be in my room?” I had planned to just be in my room, but that was beside the point.
“No, of course I didn’t assume you’d be there,” he backpedaled. “I hoped you’d be there.” He looked toward the curb again. “Is… that guy waiting for you, or something?”
I turned then and saw Lucas, arms crossed over his chest, still leaning against his motorcycle. I couldn’t make out his facial features from this distance, even with the flood lights surrounding the dorm. But his body language spoke volumes. I lifted a hand and waved, to let him know I wasn’t being threatened. “No. He was just dropping me off.”
After a smirk of disdain in Lucas’s direction, Kennedy turned his sharp green eyes to me. “He doesn’t look as though he understands the concept of ‘dropping off,’ if you ask me.”
“Well, I didn’t ask you. What do you want, Kennedy?”
Some guy going inside called out, “K-Moore!” and Kennedy acknowledged him with a lifted chin before answering me. “I told you, I want to talk.”
I crossed my arms, starting to feel the chill in the air I hadn’t felt pressed to Lucas. “About what? Haven’t you said everything that needs to be said? Do you want to devalue me some more? Because I have to tell you, I’m not real super amenable to that.”
He sighed as though tolerating some sort of distraught outburst, a familiar consequence of me being inflexible—his word—that I’d seen many times in the past three years. I’d forgotten about that until seeing it again. “There’s no need to be inflexible,” he said then, as though reading my mind.
“Really? I think there are plenty of reasons for my inflexibility. Or stubbornness. Or obstinacy. Or pigheadedness—”
“I get it, Jackie.”
My hands made fists at my hips. “It’s. Jacqueline.”
He stepped closer, his eyes flaring. For a split second, I thought he was angry—but that wasn’t anger in his eyes. It was desire. “I get it, Jacqueline. I hurt you. And I deserve everything you’re saying, and everything you feel.” He raised his hand to my face and I stepped back, out of his reach, my thoughts chaotic. Dropping his hand, he added, “I miss you.”
Chapter 13
Snapping my mouth closed, I spun to swipe my card and enter the dorm, and Kennedy followed me through the door. I turned to tell him I didn’t want to talk and saw Lucas grabbing the door just before it snapped shut. Stepping next to me, he glared at my ex and the air was charged between them the moment Kennedy turned and noticed him.
“You okay, Jacqueline?” Lucas asked, his eyes never wavering from my ex.
“Lucas—” I started to reiterate verbally that Kennedy was no physical threat to me when he huffed an arrogant laugh, peering at Lucas.
“Wait—aren’t you the maintenance guy? The one who repaired the A/C at the house?” He glanced at me, and back to Lucas. “What would administration think about you sniffing around the students?”
The look on Lucas’s face was murderous, but he held his ground without reaction, ignoring Kennedy’s question as though it hadn’t been asked. He turned his eyes to me, waiting for my answer.
“I’m fine. I promise.” I held my breath, hoping he’d believe me. People near the door were already nudging each other and whispering.
“Are you hooking up with this guy, too?” Kennedy interjected.
“Too?” I asked, but I knew what he meant before he confirmed it.
“In addition to Buck.”
The edges of my vision closed in. “What?”
Kennedy took my arm just above the elbow, as though he meant to escort me away, and Lucas’s hand shot out, grabbing his wrist and removing his hand from me easily.
