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She reached for his hand. “Are you all right?”
He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I—I’m fine, I think, I just . . . Give me a moment.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Welcome to my world.”
“I feel like I’m living in a dream.” He examined the back of his hand, turned it over in the fading sunlight as if he didn’t trust the evidence of his own body. “I suppose—I saw the physical proof of your gods. I knew this power existed. But everything I know about the world—”
“The world you knew doesn’t exist,” she said softly.
“No shit.” Kitay’s hands clenched the dirt and grass like he was afraid the ground might disappear under his fingertips.
“Try it,” said the Sorqan Sira.
Rin didn’t have to ask what she meant.
She stood upon shaky legs and turned to face away from Kitay. She opened her palms. She felt the fire inside her chest, a warm presence waiting to pour out the moment she called it.
She summoned it forward. A warm flame appeared in her hands—a tame, quiet little thing.
She tensed, waiting for the pull, the urge to draw out more, more. But she felt nothing. The Phoenix was still there. She knew it was screaming for her. But it couldn’t get through. A wall had been built in her mind, a psychic structure that repelled and muted the god to just a faint whisper.
Fuck you, said the Phoenix, but even now it sounded amused. Fuck you, little Speerly.
She shouted with delight. She hadn’t just recovered, she had tamed a god. The anchor bond had set her free.
She watched, trembling, as fire accumulated on her palms. She called it higher. Made it leap through the air in arcs like fish jumping from the ocean. She could command it as completely as Altan had been able to. No. She was better than Altan had ever been, because she was sober, she was stable, and she was free.
The fear of madness was gone, but not the impossible power. The power remained, a deep well from which she could draw when she chose.
And now she could choose.
She saw Kitay watching her. His eyes were wide, his expression equal parts fear and awe.
“Are you all right?” she asked him. “Can you feel it?”
He didn’t answer. He touched a hand to his temple, his gaze fixed so hard on the flames that she could see them reflected bright in his eyes, and he laughed.
That night the Ketreyids fed them a bone broth—scorching hot, musky, tangy, and salty all at once. Rin guzzled it as fast as she could. It scalded the back of her throat, but she didn’t care. She’d been subsisting on dried fish and rice gruel for so long that she’d forgotten how good proper food could taste.
Qara passed her a mug. “Drink more water. You’re getting dehydrated.”
“Thanks.” Rin was still sweating despite the cold onset of night. Little droplets beaded all over her skin, soaking straight through her clothing.
Across the fire, Kitay and Chaghan were engaged in an animated discussion which, as far as Rin could tell, involved the metaphysical nature of the cosmos. Chaghan drew diagrams in the dirt with a stick while Kitay watched, nodding enthusiastically.
Rin turned to Qara. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Qara said.
Rin shot Kitay a glance. He wasn’t paying her any attention. He’d seized the stick from Chaghan and was scrawling a very complicated mathematical equation below the diagrams.
Rin lowered her voice. “How long have you and your brother been anchored?”
“For our entire lives,” Qara said. “We were ten days old when we performed the ritual. I can’t remember life without him.”
“And the bond has always . . . it’s always been equal? One of you doesn’t diminish the other?”
Qara raised an eyebrow. “Do you think I’ve been diminished?”
“I don’t know. You always seem so . . .” Rin trailed off. She didn’t know how to phrase it. Qara had always been a mystery to her. She was the moon to her brother’s sun. Chaghan was such an overbearing personality. He loved the spotlight, loved to lecture everyone around him in the most condescending way possible. But Qara had always preferred the shadows and the silent company of her birds. Rin had never heard her express an opinion that wasn’t her brother’s.
“You think Chaghan dominates me,” Qara said.
Rin blushed. “No, I just—”
“You’re worried you’ll overpower Kitay,” Qara said. “You think your rage will become too much for him and that he’ll become only a shade of you. You think that’s what has happened to us.”
“I’m scared,” Rin said. “I almost killed him. And if that—that imbalance, or whatever, is a risk, I want to know. I don’t want to strip him of his ability to challenge me.”
Qara nodded slowly. She sat silently for a long while, frowning.
“My brother doesn’t dominate me,” she said at last. “At least, not in a way I could ever possibly know. But I’ve never challenged him.”
“Then how—”
“Our wills have been united since we were children. We desire the same things. When he speaks, he voices both our thoughts. We are two halves of the same person. If I seem withdrawn to you, it is because Chaghan’s presence in the mortal world frees me to dwell among the spirit world. I prefer animal souls to mortals, to whom I’ve never had much to say. That doesn’t mean I’m diminished.”
“But Kitay’s not like you,” Rin said. “Our wills aren’t aligned. If anything, we disagree more often than not. And I don’t want to . . . erase him.”
Qara’s expression softened. “Do you love him?”
“Yes,” Rin said immediately. “More than anyone else in the world.”
“Then you don’t need to worry,” Qara said. “If you love him, then you can trust yourself to protect him.”
Rin hoped that was true.
“Hey,” Kitay said. “What’s so interesting over there?”
“Nothing,” Rin said. “Just gossip. Have you cracked the nature of the cosmos?”
“Not yet.” Kitay tossed his stick onto the dirt. “But give me a year or two. I’m getting close.”
Qara stood up. “Come. We should get some sleep.”
Sometime during the day the Ketreyids had built several more yurts, clustered together in a circle. The yurt designated for Rin and her companions was at the very center. The message was clear. They were still under Ketreyid watch until the Sorqan Sira chose to release them.
The yurt felt far too cramped for four people. Rin curled up on her side, knees drawn up to her chest, although all she wanted to do was sprawl out, let all of her limbs loose. She felt suffocated. She wanted open air—open sands, wide water. She took a deep breath, trying to stave off the same panic that had crept up on her during the sweat.
“What’s the matter?” Qara asked.
“I think I’d rather sleep outside.”
“You’ll freeze outside. Don’t be stupid.”
Rin propped herself up on her side. “You look comfortable.”
Qara smiled. “Yurts remind me of home.”
“How long has it been since you’ve been back?” Rin asked.
