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Prologue
I think that this all started when my dad married his mom. I was five years old when they got married, and he was seven. I remember having to wear a god-awful sunflower yellow dress that his mom had picked out for me. The material had been made out of something corrosive, that I’m sure of. I can still remember the way that my nails dug against my skin as I desperately tried to quell the itching that seemed unending in its punishment. I hated it and I hated her—that’s something that hasn’t changed. I doubt it ever will.
I hated him too, at first. I hated him from the moment that my dad had introduced him as Paul. There was something about his dimpled smile and messy blonde hair that infuriated me. I felt like he was walking into my family without permission and making himself at home. I was only five, but I had this feeling in my stomach that told me with certainty that he wasn’t leaving, and it had been right. The marriage had lasted far longer than anybody had expected, to my dismay, and by the time I turned seven, I realized that if I wanted to make sure that I remained the apple of my dad’s eye, then I would need to earn the recognition.
If you asked my dad about the year that I turned seven, he would tell you a different story. He’d tell you about the little girl who suddenly started to take life seriously. He’d tell you about my newfound efforts in school and how I suddenly raced to the top percentile of my class. I never told him why it had happened, and he never asked. I think he was just pleased that I was doing well, but the truth was that my only aim was to outshine Paul. I dedicated all my efforts to making sure that I was better than him at everything, and for a long time I succeeded with very little resistance from him.
I guess I got too comfortable with my lead position. I think that I fell into a false sense of security, and when I did, I left the situation to be altered without my permission. It was when I turned eighteen that everything changed. It had been my graduation day. It was meant to be my day and it was all taken away from me. I’d worked hard for years to ensure that I graduated at the top of my class. I’d missed countless parties and trips out to the beach. I’d dedicated my every waking moment to ensure that when the day came, my dad was proud, but I guess Paul had other ideas.
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Chapter One
It was from the moment that I woke up that I felt it. It was like the core of my very being had been awoken for the first time and it was burning me alive from the inside, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It felt great. It felt like I should have always been feeling that way. It felt like I was finally on the edge of the cliff and that my dreams were just one small leap away.
I got up and dressed quickly. The sun hadn’t even started to rise up into the sky. I’m not normally a morning kind of person, but that morning I was. That morning, nothing could have stopped me from waking up and bouncing right out of bed, because it was going to be my day. It was my graduation. It was my time to be called to the front of the class. It was my time, period.
My dad wasn’t up when I went downstairs, but I hadn’t been expecting him to be. I could still hear the gentle but annoying snores of my stepmom floating through their bedroom door, and I knew it would be some time before I saw either of them downstairs. Paul was up, to my surprise, though. I found him sitting at the kitchen table, huddled over his tablet computer, as though he was in the middle of a life-or-death act of some kind.
That was nothing new, though. He’d been acting strange for weeks. I’d never seen him driven by a purpose before, but he seemed focused on finishing whatever he had started. I didn’t question him because I didn’t care. I couldn’t see how anything that he was doing on his computer would affect me. When I walked into the kitchen, he lifted his head in surprise. I don’t think he realized that the night had ended some time ago. I could tell from the way that his fringe flicked up and his shirt was creased that he hadn’t been to bed yet.
“Is it morning already?” he asked me with a look of confusion on his face that made me smirk. I couldn’t help it. There was just something so gormless about the confusion in his eyes that amused me far more than it should have.
“I take it you haven’t been to bed?” I asked him, although I had no real need to.
“No, I got a little distracted last night with my app,” he answered as he turned his attention back to the brightly lit screen.
“I don’t know why you bother,” I said with a disapproving look because to me all it seemed was that he was wasting his time.
“Well, that’s why you’re not doing it,” he replied with frown and a distracted voice.
>
“You’re right. I don’t tend to allow my time to be wasted,” I said as I filled the kettle with water and put it on to boil.
“Of course you don’t,” Paul said dryly. “You have to be perfect at everything, don’t you?”
“What’s wrong with aiming for perfection?” I asked him.
“There’s nothing wrong with aiming for perfection, but dedicating your whole life to it? Sounds like a total waste of time to me. I mean, I’d rather be having fun, but I guess if everyone was the same, the world would be a boring place, huh?”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but fun won’t pay the bills,” I reminded him as the kettle clicked and I started to pour the boiling water into my mug.
“Are you making me one?” he asked when I put the kettle back on its stand.
“Does it look like I’m making you one?” I asked him as I walked away from the kettle with my steaming cup of coffee.
“You’re such a bitch sometimes,” Paul said as he stood up, the chair scraping behind him.
“Love you too,” I replied quickly with the smirk returning to my face.
“Whatever. Isn’t it your graduation day today, Isabella? Don’t you have more important things to do than hang around here and annoy me? You know, like sorting your hair out or something?” Paul said in an irritated voice.
Even though I’d finished my hair and makeup before I had come downstairs, I couldn’t help but look into the mirror that hung on the back wall of the kitchen. My hair and makeup still looked as though they’d been freshly done, and I narrowed my eyes at Paul. “We both know I look great,” I said bitterly as I turned to leave the room and him behind.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Paul called after me when I slammed the door behind me and made the whole house shake under the brutal force of my annoyance.
**********
Chapter Two
My father and I pulled up at my school with a good half an hour to spare. I’d insisted that he brought me alone. I didn’t want my stepmother at my graduation. She had no reason to be there. She wasn’t my real mom and she never would be. I wasn’t prepared to answer questions about her to my friends and teachers.
The day hadn’t brightened up since I’d woken up before dawn. It had only gotten lighter. The sun was hidden behind dark brown clouds that seemed to hang low in the sky, and I could smell the heaviness in the air that meant that rain would be falling soon. I stepped out of the car slowly and shivered at the icy breeze that was carrying through the air. I’d picked out a light pink vest top and dark blue skinny jeans because it was summer, and I had been so sure that the day would be as sunny as my disposition, but I’d been wrong. Well, at least I thought I had been.
I walked into the empty school and acted as tour guide to my dad, who had never been there. The graduation was being held on the football field that was behind the main school building, but I didn’t head straight there. Instead, I took my father down the corridors where my favorite classes had been. I pointed out paintings and writings that were decorating the walls that had been mine, and I showed him for the first and last time what my life had been like growing up.
When we finally reached the field at the back of the school, there was already a small gathering of people. I’d seen many of the parents before at school fundraisers and parents’ evenings, but I made no attempt to talk to them and no effort to introduce my dad. I know that it sounds selfish, but I wanted him all to myself. It had become so rare for me to see him without my stepmom that I wanted to enjoy it all I could, before we had to return back to the house.
The seats had already been laid out for the parents to sit down on and I made sure my dad got one at the front. I wanted him to see everything. I wanted him to be in the front row when I gave my speech and accepted my diploma. I made sure that he was happy and then I excused myself, so that I could go ready myself for the speech.
I’d been writing it for months. I’d started writing it before I even got told that I would be giving it, because I was that certain. I mean, I’d known for months that I’d been in the top one percent of my class, so it was only a matter of time before they asked me. I was happy with my speech, too. I was sure that I’d managed to say everything that should be said, without it falling into the same boring drone of responsibilities that seemed to happen every year.
The backstage was already busy with the hustle and bustle of preparations. I could see students that I had grown up with and teachers who had seen me grow up, as they rushed around to make sure that the graduation started at the right time. It wasn’t until I’d found a quiet corner to stand in, though, that anybody noticed that I’d arrived.
“Isabella, I was hoping to catch you before the graduation,” Ms. Appleby, my counselor, said with a warm smile.
Ms. Appleby had always been my favorite of the school staff. She was in her late fifties, but she had more energy than most of the students and she always found reason to smile. She was the kind of person who made life look easy, even though she’d probably had the hardest life out of all of us. “Hey, what’s up?” I asked her with a friendly smile.
“I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I know that sounds silly, but I am, and I wanted you to know.”
“Aw, Ms. Appleby, thank you. I think I’m going to miss you the most when I leave this place, you know?”
“That’s always a lovely thing to hear, Isabella. I hope you keep in touch when you leave. I’d love for you to keep me updated. You’ve been the best student I’ve ever had, and I know that you have big things in store for your future.”
“Of course. I hope you didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily,” I joked as the principal took to the stage and started to open the ceremony.
I stood next to Ms. Appleby as we listened to what the principal had to say, and then he called my name and she gave me a reassuring smile, before I took to the stage with butterflies in my belly.
“Hello,” I said to the crowd of eyes that were all focused on me. “I’m Isabella and it is my privilege to give the leavers’ speech today. When I first started at this school, I had only one goal. That goal was to ensure that when my graduation day came, I’d be prepared enough to walk out of the school door with the ability to face this world on my own two feet.
“Now, I would like to say that I’ve achieved that goal, but if I’m honest, I don’t think I have. I don’t believe that any of us have gained the ability to do that yet, because although today is our last day at this school and soon we will be moving on to the next stages of our lives, we are still learning, and we are all still growing.
“So, what have we all achieved, if not the ability to walk out of those doors as adults? We’ve achieved friendships that will last a lifetime. We’ve learned, we’ve taught, and we’ve got it wrong. We’ve achieved more than we ever thought we could, and today we graduate with every lesson our school has ever taught us, instilled into the very core of our beings.
“We may not be ready to face the big, wide world on our own yet, but if we are honest with ourselves, are we ever truly ready? So, when you received your diplomas today and you leave for college tomorrow, don’t fret about not being ready, because none of us are; instead, be proud that you have made it this far and that you still have the energy to step forward.”
The crowd burst into applause and I stood without moving until they stopped. I could feel my cheeks starting to blush pink as the principal came back onto the stage and shook my hand. He thanked me, and I nodded my head, and then I walked down the steps into the crowd and took my seat next to my father.
“Did you like my speech?” I asked him when I was in earshot.
“Yes, yes, it was great,” my dad replied, sounding distracted.
“You listened, right?” I asked him with accusation in my tone.
“Sure, I listened, sweetie.”
“Then what was it about?” I challenged him.
“Okay, you caught me,” my dad said with a soft smi
le and apologetic eyes. “I got distracted.”
I could feel the pink blush in my cheeks turning to red as I realized that he’d missed the whole thing. I’d wanted him to come to my graduation so that he could see how well I’d done, but he was missing it all. I looked down at his hands and saw that the screen of his cell phone was on.
“Did you ignore my speech for your phone?” I asked him with a hurt voice that hid none of the devastation that was smashing against my insides.
“It isn’t like that, sweetie. It’s Paul—he had some big news to share and I couldn’t ignore it,” he tried to explain.
I could feel my head starting to shake as I listened to his excuses. He’d ignored my speech for Paul? He’d ignored my once-in-a-lifetime speech so that he could get some news off of my good-for-nothing stepbrother?
“Well, what’s this news, then?” I asked him in a short way that made him frown at me.
“Oh, Isabella, don’t wrinkle your nose at me like that. You can’t be the center of attention all the time, you know?”
“I don’t want to be the center of attention all the time, but I thought that since this was my graduation that maybe, just maybe, my dad might actually care,” I said as I stood up.
“Sit back down, Isabella,” my father said quietly as he scanned the crowd to make sure that nobody was paying attention to our little spat.
“I will not sit down. You and Paul have ruined everything. I wish you had stayed at home,” I said bitterly and then I walked to the end of the chairs and turned back towards the school building.
I could feel my heart battering my ribcage as I walked quickly back into the building and away from the icy wind and damp air that was weighing down on my shoulders. I felt like crying or screaming or smashing my hands against something that would break and leave me feeling satisfied, but I found that I could do none of those things. The anger and rage that was building up inside of me was finding no easy way of release and, instead, I stood shaking as it bounced around my body and forced my bones to quake under its force.
