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This time, they just hurt.
There's a little cough to my side, and I glance over to see Sleipnir padding out from his favorite spot, his scaly skin gleaming like an opal. He's a little muddy himself, but his eyes are as beautiful and knowing as ever as he comes and puts his head on my knee, looking up at me soulfully.
It's like he knows how much I'm hurting.
"Hi baby," I whisper, stroking his muzzle. "Did you realize I'm sad?"
He rubs his face against my thigh, doing that little half-cough he makes when he wants my attention.
I scratch behind his ears, sighing. "It's not your fault. You're amazing, the best companion and pet a girl could ask for. It's me. I'm just…stupid." I fight back tears, because there's no sense crying over anything. I knew what I was getting into when I fell for Jerrok. I knew he was a loner and had no plans of changing.
I knew that and fell in love with him anyhow. So it's my fault.57JERROKMy blood feels like ice.
I answer Bethiah methodically, even though I'm not paying attention to her. I walk and talk, but inside, I'm dead. Sophie's casual words to my cousin ring in my head over and over again.
We're just fooling around, I promise. It means nothing. I'm leaving with the va Sithai anyhow.
After last night, I thought things were different. After last night, I thought…maybe…that I'd ask her if she wanted to stay for a little while. Just to be with me. And I'd hoped that her answer might be…a good one. After what we'd shared last night, it seemed possible.
Clearly I'm three kinds of a keffing fool. Of course she's going to leave. Of course what we have means nothing to her. She won't stay because after years of being trapped, Sophie wants to be free. I understand it, and the last thing she needs is a surly junker who's gotten far too possessive of her. So I won't ask her to stay. When the va Sithai return, I'll send her off with a smile even if it tears me up inside.
Because Sophie deserves to be happy, and I want her to do what makes her happy.
The Pleasure Spot fires up, and the ship, now much uglier and slightly weather-beaten, steers toward the hangar bay doors. I raise a hand to wave goodbye to my cousin, and then head inside the air lock. It seals behind me and I watch as Bethiah's ship takes off. The numbness doesn't go away. The cold lingers in my belly.
Sophie's not mine to keep.
It goes against everything I am as a mesakkah. As a people, we're more than slightly covetous, and we get attached quickly. It seems that holds true, even if I don't spend much time with others of my kind…because I want to grab Sophie and shut down all communications to my asteroid station. I want to take my shuttle and spirit her away, just so no one can find her. But…then I'm just as bad as her last master.
There's no winning this.
I close my eyes, fighting against the wave of angry pain. I knew this was the case. I knew Sophie was always going to leave. Just because I've developed feelings for her doesn't change a thing. I need to keffing get over it. I take several steadying breaths and try to relax. Sophie's still here. She's mine for now.
I need to enjoy the time we have together. Show her how perfect and wonderful she is. Love her with every bone in my body and maybe, maybe she'll come back sometimes and visit. After all, the va Sithai swing by once every year or so to unload a wreck.
It's better than nothing.
With that thought in mind, I go to find Sophie.
She's not in my quarters, or in her old ones, so I head toward the terrarium. I hear her low voice, talking to the carinoux in the syrupy tone she takes on whenever she's coddling the animal, and it brings a reluctant smile to my face. She loves that thing a ridiculous amount, and I think of the funds the dark-matter drive will bring in. Hopefully it'll be enough to ensure that she can keep it at her side, always. If nothing else, maybe I can work out some sort of payment plan with the va Sithai, send them credits on the regular. I'll figure it out.
A stick lands at my feet, and in the next moment, the carinoux bounds across the tile floor toward me, all legs and teeth. A flash of alarm races through me, but it only grabs the stick in its mouth, gives me a playful look, and then bounds off again. Sophie's laughter fills the terrarium. "Sleipnir! You're supposed to bring it back to me, silly."
I watch as the carinoux disappears into the thick of vines, amused. "I think he's gone with it," I call out.
