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“You sure it’s all right?”
I shrugged, not sure at all that it was all right, but just as sure that I wouldn’t let any kind of tension between me and Chris, influence Lila’s desire to help. It felt good to know I’d made enough of an impact that this little girl cared so much. And to be honest, it was just the kind of help I needed at the moment.
“I can handle it if you can.”
“So can I.”
“Then come inside so I can sit down.”
At those words, Chris perked right up and stepped inside, kicking off his dirty work boots before making his way to the living room, giving me a few uninterrupted moments to not ogle his fine backside.
“How are you, uh, feeling?”
“In pain and barely moving, but on the mend.” This conversation was painful, so I turned to Lila with a smile I didn’t really feel. “What should we do first, kiddo?”
Lila tapped her chin, deep in thought. Lights first, right Daddy?”
“Sounds like a plan.” Chris clapped his hands together and looked between me and Lila. “I’ll be the muscle and you can be the brains.”
Lila giggled. “You have brains too, Daddy. Big brains.”
His chest puffed out a little. “Why, thank you little girl. I like to think so too.” He winked, which produced another laugh from Lila and I felt my belly sink. He really was a good guy. A decent man, and when he was ready to settle down again, if that ever happened, she would be a lucky woman.
But she wouldn’t be me.
It was a pesky thought and one I couldn’t seem to shake as the tree began to look less sad and more like the holiday spirit had entered my home. I kept a smile plastered on my face for Lila’s sake and enjoyed the domestic scene we presented, laughing and cracking jokes while holiday music played in the background.
“It looks wonderful guys. Thank you so much!”
“We’re not done,” Chris declared, shocking me, since I assumed he would be happy to get away as soon as possible.
“You’re not?” I folded my arms and stared at him.
“We’re not,” Lila asked.
“Nope. Tara still has pumpkins she needs to cut, and since she’s got muscle at her disposal right now, it’s the perfect time.” Dang it, he was right. Halloween had come and gone and I hadn’t done anything with those pumpkins.
“They’re probably bad by now, so don’t worry about it. Besides it’s my leg that hurts not my arms.”
Chris sighed and shook his head. “But you need your legs to provide leverage to cut through those giant pumpkins you bought. This way all you have to do is sit and cut them. Lila will even rinse the seeds again, won’t you kiddo?”
She bobbed her head enthusiastically, a smile so wide it closed her eyes almost completely. “Can I have some too?”
“Of course you can. It’s sous chef’s tip,” I told her, knowing when I was beat. And it would be nice to deal with the pumpkins, maybe a baking and study session would help me feel normal again. Lila smiled up at me and the feeling of warmth that suffused me told me that I was in trouble.
I needed to pull back for my own sanity. My own heart.
Hell, my own peace of mind.
Nothing had changed with me and Chris, and more importantly, nothing had changed about my job. Which meant he probably wanted me to keep as much emotional distance between me and Lila as possible. It was something Lila and I both needed, and since I was the adult, I pulled back. “I guess we’re headed to the kitchen.”
It made me feel dirty, keeping any small piece of my heart away from Lila who was so eager for female attention. So filled with love and compassion to give, but it was best for everyone. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
“The seeds are all clean, Officer Tara!”
I flashed a half-hearted smile and limped over to the sink to inspect Lila’s work. She’d done so much better, leaving just a few small pieces of pumpkin that were especially hard to peel off.
“Excellent work. Now we get to season them.”
Lila seasoned the pumpkin seeds like she did everything else, with enough enthusiasm to power a mid-size city. “There. How’s that?”
“Perfect.” She looked up at me like I really was some kind of hero, and my heart broke just a little bit more when I had to stop myself from wrapping my arms around her and squeezing tight. Lila was such a wonderful little girl, so eager to soak up new things. “Totally perfect. Now we bake them.”
“Now we bake them,” she repeated and put her hands on her hips, mirroring my stance and my expression.
The pumpkin seeds were easy enough, but having Lila at my side, mashing pumpkin with a fork and sprinkling cinnamon and ginger, mixing bowls littering the countertop. Greasing baking dishes. Showing Lila how to use the holiday cookie cutters, well, it was fun. The perfect thing to get back into the swing of things after time in the hospital and being stuck in the house.
