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Having to look Ava in the face and talk about what was happening felt too overwhelming still. I needed some time to make my way to that point, which was why I moved as slowly as I could to walk through the airport and get my luggage.
I figured if I took as much time as possible, I wouldn’t really be in Astoria yet. As long as I was still in the airport and hadn’t gotten my luggage or gone out to catch a cab, I was still in that in-between space. I was still transitioning.
Unfortunately, telling myself that didn’t do a lot of good for my anxiety. Nervousness continued to flood me as I walked up to the carousel and waited for my luggage to come around. I didn’t bring a lot. More than I could stuff into my little carry-on, but not so much that I would be prepared for a long stay. This was a quick visit. Lay out the facts, deal with the reaction, and move on. That simple.
Except it wasn’t that simple at all. I had no idea how Tom would react. To any of it. Not to seeing me in Astoria. Not to me just showing up without telling him I was coming. And definitely not to the news I was bringing with me. This news was definitely too big to fit in my carry-on.
Going through all the different scenarios of how Tom could react to me telling him I was carrying his baby was enough to make my stomach turn and sweat break out in cold beads on the back of my neck. It could go so many different ways. And probably so many more than I could even come up with.
I couldn’t bear the thought that he was going to react badly. It had taken me a while to come to terms with it, but Emily was right. I loved him. I knew it deep down inside me. I loved him with everything in me, fully and completely. But I still had no idea how Tom really felt about me.
I did everything I could to push him away. Hearing this news was going to come as a major surprise to him. Coming right on the heels of me showing up here, Tom was in for a day of getting hit upside the head with shock. Probably not what went through his mind when he’d woken up that day.
As soon as I thought that, I wondered if it really would be a surprise for him that I was here. After all, I wasn’t in the meeting that was held virtually that morning. It would make sense if he questioned where I was. Even if he had, no one at the office knew where I was going. I didn’t even tell Landon I was going back to Astoria.
I didn’t even tell Landon I wasn’t going to be in the meeting that morning.
Suffice it to say, I didn’t do fantastically preparing for this trip. It was all I could do to gather up enough clothes and toiletries to get me through a couple days and get to the airport.
I know Tom would absolutely have noticed that I wasn’t there. If he mentioned it, Ava might have slipped and said something about it. As I grabbed my bags and headed for the exit, I realized the chances of that were pretty small.
Not only was she one of two people in the world other than me who knew I was pregnant and the one who made sure I came to Astoria to tell Tom, so I doubted she would out me, but I hadn’t heard from Tom. One way or the other, I figured I would hear from him if he found out I was there. Either he would be very unhappy to know I was coming and call to dissuade me from showing up, or he would be happy and come to the airport to pick me up.
I didn’t see him anywhere around and I didn’t have any texts or resistant voicemails from him. Most likely, he had no idea I was coming. This was probably for the better. Knowing I was in town would give him a chance to prepare himself, but it might prepare him for the wrong thing.
I walked out of the airport and was relieved to be able to immediately get in a cab. I already had a reservation at the same hotel where Tom and I stayed, so I gave the driver the address. I could only hope the hotel wouldn’t just stick me right back into the same room. That is, if Tom was staying with one of his brothers or his mother and wasn’t still in the room.
It hadn’t occurred to me until I was making that reservation that the only reason we were sharing the room to begin with was that there was only one room available when we got to the hotel. At some point during the months we were there together, a vacancy had to have opened up. we just had no interest in being in separate rooms.
